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Your Boyfriend Won’t Replace Your Father

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Father and Daughter Love

A woman’s father was designed to be the first man that she’d ever love, though for a multitude of reasons – including divorce, absenteeism, bad parenting, abuse of the relationship, and other factors beyond her control- that may not have been the case. Due to a father’s inability to play his role in his daughter’s life, women sometimes have been known to have “daddy issues.” A way to fill this void is to develop a paternal-type relationship with an older male, such as an uncle, family friend, or mentor but most women instead expect for their boyfriends, hubby, or beau to be not only their best friend, confidant, and lover but also their papi.

Difficulties faced by daughters with daddy issues

A great father knows the importance of esteeming his daughter and teach her a lot about life. He tells her that she’s beautiful, smart, special – and, above all else, irreplaceable to him. The Daddy-less Daughter or a girl facing daddy issues may be constantly in search of this reassurance evidenced by her frequently updated “in a relationship” statuses. She constantly needs a man to validate her. It’s as if her identity is so heavily defined by the man that she dates….she IS xyz’s girl. This is not surprising being that fundamentally, at the core of who she is, the piece of her that brought her into existence, is a piece of her that she has never known. So naturally, as she plays out her role as xyz’s girl she may be viewed extremely clingy. Now feeling like she’s closer to knowing who she is, after finding her identity in a man, she doesn’t want to lose this sense of security. She doesn’t want to lose the very thing that, she believes, gives her worth, happiness, and a purpose. Her tight grasp on her relationship is rooted in her not wanting to lose a man without any rhyme or reason – just like she lost her father.



Some daughters with daddy Issues put so much stock in their boyfriends that they believe that can do no wrong.  A Daddy-less Daughter may create idols of the men that she dates. It’s as if she believes that her boyfriend will be the answer to all the pain and neglect that she felt from her father.  Her boyfriend is expected to be her night and shining armor – the one who saves the day and rescues her from her turmoil. This places extremely high pressures upon the gentlemen. He will never live up to everything that her father is not, because he is human and he may exhibit some of the same character flaws as her father.  Her boyfriend’s presence won’t solve her problems because he wasn’t the cause of them in the first place.

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Other Daddy-less Daughters exhibit behaviors contrary to the ones described above. Some women practically carry around banners proudly displaying that they don’t “need a man.” And while this may be true these women are still truly overcompensating. Having to live a life where their fathers didn’t provide for them creates a need for them to be assured that everyone knows, especially their men, that they ‘don’t need a thing from anybody.’ They’ve managed to graduate from high school then college, land a great career, buy a house and look fine while doing all of that – without a single handout from anyone. It’s most certainly great to be accomplished but this subtle resentment towards men may be repulsive to a mate. It is understood that her achievements are a way to stick it to the man but that should be reserved for her daddy and not her beau.

Why they just want to be…..wanted!

On the other hand, there are some women who do feel like they need a man even if it is just for ‘that thing.’  Some women are relentless in their sexual pursuits because they always feel accepted and wanted when they entertain men in that way. The very man that was supposed to love them the most didn’t so Daddy-less Daughters seek out situations that supply a counterfeit feeling of love and strong admiration – even if it’s just for a little while. A father’s role is to traditionally teach his daughter how to interact with boys and to protect her purity by literally blocking no good guys from coming into her life.  A daughter with daddy issues doesn’t have this luxury and if she believes this old saying to be true, “A man will never love you as much as your father” then she may feel that she has no real shot at anything substantial with a man and their boyfriend won’t replace a father in their life.

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Daddy issues can cause some major damage to a budding relationship mostly because the man will be helping her unload the burden that she carries from not only her past boyfriends’ baggage but her father’s baggage as well, which is frankly baggage that he was never designed to handle. A man that’s pursuing a woman romantically can never and will never be able to stand in the gap of an absent father. A Daddy-less Daughter has no voids that her man, her degree, or any of her stuff can fill. The good news is that she doesn’t have any voids that God can’t fill!

 

Dominique Cobb

Author of:  “How to Not be that Guy: The Men’s Dating Playbook” and “I’m Single by Choice: And Other Dating Lies We Tell Ourselves”

Blogger @ CupidsConsultant.org

Comment(20)

  1. I really think we need to stop blaming the absence of fathers for the dysfunction in certain relationships and start looking to the absence of relationship examples as a whole. Lest we forget, “father figures” also teach their SONS how to treat women they love. So are “fatherless sons” taught to leave? Are they taught that their woman must be everything and meet every need, as their mother did? Are they taught to be lazy, as their mother never needed their assistance? Are they taught that in a relationship, their “presence” is enough, because that presence was the only thing they didn’t get from their fathers? That they don’t need to be an active participant and meet their woman’s needs? I’m certain if someone threw that in your face every day and told you it is why you will never be a “good enough” partner, you’d be annoyed, right?

    1. Great points sister. I believe that people learn and process things differently. As much as we are the same we are also different. I think people can learn from what they say as well as what they don’t see….and what they learn can be a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes its what is absent and at the same time, it is also what is present. Sounds like a riddle, I know, LOL, but that has been my observation.

      1. @J2dat. I’d have to agree
        with that. Personally, being raised by my mother for most of my life..having my parents divorce was a blessing. My father’s absence allowed me to identify issues that he had and reaffirmed that he did not love my mother in the way that she should have been loved. As a result, I was able to see traits like independence and strength portrayed in my mother – traits that I value and uphold personally.

    2. I LOVE this!!!! It’s even better coming from a Woman that “gets it” because Us Guys have been saying that For YEARS to the replies of “You’re Whining”, “Just defending Ain’t Sh!t N!ggas” and so on.

    3. I really think we need to stop blaming the absence of fathers for the dysfunction in certain relationships and start looking to the absence of relationship examples as a whole.” agreed. because from my experience, women that had both their mother & their father in their life did not make them better women…

      1. Agreed. That was not implied either. Women with two parent households have issues too – because all people have issues. However, a parent’s absence – mother or father – absolutely has an effect on people.

        1. Agreed. That was not implied either. Women with two parent households have issues too – because all people have issues.

          No argument from me here.

          However, a parent’s absence – mother or father – absolutely has an effect on people.

          Again, no argument from me. I just wanted to put it out there that women that come from 2-parent homes ain’t no different from women that come from single parent homes. That’s all

    4. Yeah. While I think there is some truth to this, the absent black father is a worn out item on the “black relationship discourse” cliche checklist…and not the full picture.

      1. Is it worn out? I hope
        that is. I hope that there’s a day where this is a non-issue. Please understand that this post is not to insinuate
        that ALL men in the black community aren’t taking care of their children –
        because we know that isn’t true. But what we do know to be true is that people
        are dealing with some emotional pain because of this…the purpose and only
        purpose of this post is to help people identify their behaviors and grow, heal,
        forgive, and love.

    5. Hi Maris. The answer to your questions about “fatherless sons”
      would be yes in most cases and I think that this is very evident in the black community. I thank you for sharing your opinion but this post is not about feeling like you aren’t a “good enough partner” because someone did not have a father. It is not the child’s fault that their father left. A father’s presence nor absence can validate them as a person and make them “good enough.” The purpose of this post is to help identify the issues that one can move forward. So one can act like the source of
      dysfunction is not due to this issue but that doesn’t serve them. Identify the issue, forgive,grow, and love a man for who he is as a mate – that was the message.

  2. In the same way Some-not All- Men have this Oedipus Fixation where they want Ladies to be their Mothers, by Clone or Filling the Lack of Love they received for whatever reason- I Think Women want/get from Less/Lack of Fathers (I’m not a Woman so IDK for Sure).

    My Ex-Fiancee’s Dad died when she was 6, and her Older Brother had to find his own way as one of two oldest of 6 kids (my Ex was 3rd and she has an Older Sister). I didn’t fully understand where she was coming from with how she Felt the Urge of Manly Security from her Male Friends and Boyfriends- she put her Insecurities Aside for My Own and it wasn’t until a Year AgoI found out about it….

    This post is Real and Valid

  3. I think this post is a bit less than as it’s been done repetitively. Some people need excuses to justify their actions, because assuming responsibility is too much. I’m the product of a strong family unit which I believe to be more important than anything. I had two parents with value and morals but having two parents isn’t equivalent to having your act together. I know plenty people who defy those odds.

    What bugs me most is people allowing media and government to define their situations/family. I’m a single parent by definition, however I wasn’t always a single parent. I had help and support from my ex, and as long as he was active I didn’t feel alone and didn’t like the term. I know plenty of women who had men within their lives, while claiming single parent status. Just because the guy wasn’t the parent of their kids didn’t mean he was incapable of co-parenting. Men and women alike have Daddy issues, but that alone can’t hold us down.

    1. Absolutely! It can’t hold us down. Also, if a child was in a co-parenting situation then they aren’t generally regarded as fatherless.

      This post is totally about accepting responsibility! It’s stating that your boyfriend is not responsible for xyz…sometimes women come to the table with issues that need to be addressed and it is their responsibility to own up to that and find the root cause and work through it.

  4. I think there is truth to this. I think it goes both ways. There are motherless and fatherless men and women who still have deep unresolved issues within themselves. These unresolved issues are manifesting not only in their relationships but in other areas of their lives. I think awareness is key. People have to become aware of the root of the problem. However, we all have the power of choice. Free will. You can allow the absence of your father/mother to be a motivator to be better or you can use it as an excuse for immature behavior.

    1. Desh!!! You wrote that beautifully. That was my sole goal in writing this post. Awareness should bring about change.

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