The title of this posts probably made an “uh oh” go off in your head. Pregnancy can be a touchy subject.
It can be touchy especially in where this post will go today. It can be easily thought to be judgmental by some but I promise you nothing of the sorts. I have a story and I have some questions and with that I’m looking forward to some great discussion SBM.
I walked into Popeye’s this past Sunday ( I love it there) and I saw one of the cashiers there that I see from time to time. She looks to be younger than me and on this day she’s looking extra aggravated and stressed. Come to think of it, she always looks pretty unhappy. I knew she was expecting, but it had been a while since I saw her. So when I finally did she really had started showing even more. I thought to myself, I really don’t think she envisioned things happening this way for her. Of course that’s me putting words in her mouth. But I’m not really sure what woman would script their life that way. The last thing I think she would want would be having to be on her feet all day with a growing body inside of her. That would aggravate anyone.
I began to think to myself that as much as we look for people to make their own responsible decisions, maybe it isn’t their fault. I’m from East Flatbush Brooklyn, NY. I’ve seen more than my fair share of unexpected pregnancies. As I’ve gotten older I’ve thought more that what other women and men have seen around them has influenced them more than we admit. There’s a cycle that has yet to be broken where people who don’t seem to have complete control over their own life begin to give life to another. This creates sometimes an unhealthy situation for the mother and the child.
What further inspired me to write on this subject today is that I work in social services.
I work with impoverished people daily. I learn of their life in the most intimate of ways; more ways than I care to get into. And it is in this field where this sick pattern continues to run rampant. People having three,four, and five children and not being employed is an issue. The title of this post was inspired by this. I would love to be happy about every pregnancy I see. But when you know a child is coming into a less than flattering situation it’s sad. There’s really no other way to describe it.
But the question remains what causes all of this?
Is proper sexual education still lacking? Do some of these people just not believe in abortion (which I can respect of course)? Or are people just selfish? Are they selfish enough to just raw dog on a nightly basis blatantly ignoring obvious implications? If it’s the latter we certainly can’t cry for them. You have to do better if you know better. For the people who love to go in raw there’s preventative measures you can take too. With that, you’d say well then why does this consistently happen? I have no clue you all. All I do know is that there are so many innocent children brought into horrible situations at home and that can be avoided in a big way.
We’re human and things don’t always go as planned.
So please don’t take this as a generalization. Pregnancy should be celebrated. If you get pregnant and your child is coming into a home where it’s sure to be taken care of properly then that’s fine. I’m just continuously alarmed by the amount of pregnancies that occur where the first emotion is fear instead of joy. If there’s any goal of “how it should be” I would say that’s it.
What do you all think? Is there a way to stop this cycle? Why does this continue to happen? Am I the only one that gets bothered by this? Let me know.
These are my words and I make no apologies.
DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS
Nope, just like all of this stuff isn’t a “blessing”. I understand folks want to feel better and believe that God has some greater plan and greater intent but when you are constantly being sent bad hands you have to get frustrated with that talk. You have to do what is in your control and too many people don’t want to do that and want to wait for some random event to come by and smack them in the mouth.
Exactly. They’re called calculated risks for a reason, granted we luck into plenty of things in our lives, but that’s no excuse to avert responsibility and preporation
I got pregnant at 19. I didn’t know of the available (and possibly free) resources I could be using for birth control besides condoms. I wasn’t using them consistently. I was young, naive, and didn’t think “that” would happen to me. When you’re in the heat of the moment, acting on impulse, you tend to make poor choices. I’ve lived & learned. Now that I have a child and don’t intend on having anymore, I take birth control religiously whether I’m sexually active or not.
Very interesting topic. It is an epidemic of some sort I would say. But I do believe that no matter if you wait to have children (the husband, house, career etc) or if you are on your own, there is still going to be an element of fear. Raising a child is a very big responsibility and I think everyone gets scared to a certain extent at some point before the arrival of the baby. Just because a couple is well established does not necessarily mean they are ready. Having your life together does help, money always will help, but it is not everything. Babies do need love and affection too.
That title comes off as click bait and derails the post. Because yes, accidental or well prepared the creation of life is to be lauded.
As for the post itself, I do think that its a problem when seemingly the stable never feel they’re ready for a child and the unstable never feel they aren’t, part of it is ego. “My pull out game strong”, “I can trust him”, “I can take care of this child”. We know so much about the consequences of raw sex and we ignore it
cuz it feels awesomebecause we think it can’t happen to us, like we’re exceptions, when we’re anything but.
I think many do know the consequences but again we all know what the heat of the moment is like and things happen. Children are a big responsibility for anyone but I do think there are levels of fear . So it’s a difference between an established person worrying if they’ll be a good parent and someone else simply worrying about how they’re going to feed this child for example. Some folks can ill afford to have time in the heat of the moment mess ups. Some others might be a little better off
Kah I just had this conversation with my friend who is expecting. A joy right?! Yay! Of course everyone thought “oh they had an accident…they slipped up…”, especially people in the church. Unbeknownst to all of us (circle of friends that is), she had planned her pregnancy. Yes, she & her boyfriend of a few months wanted a child. HOWEVER there were a lot of things that neither of them considered. I.e. we haven’t found our own place, we both live in separate homes under our parents roof, I just purchased a car, haven’t paid off my loans, my boyfriend’s Visa will have to be renewed…the list goes on & on. So what used to be a conversation of “I’m so happy…can’t wait to pick up clothes for my baby…are you ready to plan the baby shower…I love my man….I’m financially secure”….has now turned into ” We didn’t think this through…I’ve been feeling depressed…This pregnancy is still a secret…I should have known better”. Being in the soc. svc. field myself I run into this epidemic- the Baby Making Project. Educating our children, our clients, our families, is important. I love children, & celebrate new birth…but the reality is that sometimes pregnancy is NOT planned, we do things in the heat of the moment, we get caught up, & then we struggle. At one of my former jobs where I worked with you in an alternative to detention program, we implemented a program called “Baby Think It Over” into our curriculum. Not only was it about sex education, but it also spoke about the journey of pregnancy, birth, & caring for a child…Of course my clients aged 13 through 16 had to take home these babies that cried, burped, etc. They all had seen their friends & parents get pregnant, have baby daddy’s/mama’s, & saw their struggle. With this program we hoped that something would click in them to not make the same decisions…to wait…use protection…stop using the “pull out method”…& to reflect on the goals they had set for.THEMSELVES not for them & their boos. Hey it worked.
I always wanted to do a class like that lol
This was a great post. I knew a girl student body president, bright future end of high school got pregnant. Her mom said she suspected her daughter did it cause she didn’t want to leave home. It worked out in the end she married the father they had another child, divorced and now she’s remarried with a third child but I know starting out that had to be hard. She knew better. I think so many times it isn’t the heat of the moment its people thinking it won’t happen to them.
I think people celebrate it , once it’s here. Once a woman is pregnant and decide to keep it, you have to get on board, after all it’s a life and it is to be respected as a blessing. I think babies being a blessing is not because they come from a 2 parent home/ or a stable home prepared to take care of them, they are a blessing DESPITE the lack of a stable situation : because we know a healthy baby is not guaranteed just because you have done everything right in life in preparing for one. I think that’s what we need to realize. I m a woman in my 30s still waiting to get married before I have children, I have that luxury. I think when some teenagers or women in bad situations get pregnant they feel like it’s the best thing they can accomplish and no matter how crazy it may look to you, she may feel like that’s the best she can do. For me I am thinking if I dont get married and have children, i have and will accomplish so much anyway, but for some people that’s all they have , their kids and a minimum wage job. Perspectives allows you to understand and accept. EVERYONE you meet is doing the best they can with what they have ( meaning they are making the best decision they can with their upbringing, family situation, education, financial situation etc). I had to learn the hard way to stop judging and start understanding more. I come from a family where all my siblings got married then had babies, I can’t expect a woman who grew up without a father where none of the women in her family waited for marriage to have babies to make the same choices i am making.
Absolutely advising said in the beginning, i don’t wanna be judgemental, I’m just looking for understanding. You raised some good points. I come from a mindset that these things can be prevented, you’re saying maybe this is how some want it to be. I feel you there, didn’t think of that.
This “Perspectives allows you to understand and accept. EVERYONE you meet is doing the best they can with what they have ( meaning they are making the best decision they can with their upbringing, family situation, education, financial situation etc). I had to learn the hard way to stop judging and start understanding more.”
I agree. I’m waiting too but I get this “life thing” differently than some (most in my opinion). 🙂
“of course you know I feel like the bearer of bad news
Don’t want to be it but it’s needed so what have you…”
Andre 3000 ‘Aquemini’
I have a logical, yet controversial take on this topic. While I think kids like animals are the greatest, I feel like we tend to be too irresponsible with their existence at times. I understand that most of us are programmed by societal conditioning and religion (I GET IT) but we have jumped the shark with the constant and blatant irresponsibility bringing kids into this hard world.
I’m hearing a lot about responsible sexual behavior and not being judgmental, but what I don’t hear are the “practical” application of this topic. Before I begin with the hard truth, I must preface to say this is not about blaming either gender this is about reality and the world we live in, not as we would like it to be. Generally speaking, women fight tooth and nail for their ‘right to choose’, yet many when faced, don’t exercise the protection provided to them by law. Abortion and Adoption have to be discussed not as heinous acts, but as responsible alternatives to the ‘babies having babies’ epidemic.
Bringing a kid into the world that you aren’t capable or willing to care for, to me is the epitome of irresponsibility. Kids should never be a ‘punishment’ for irresponsible sexual behavior. That’s what VD is for. Having kids should be held with the same reverence as marriage used to be. For all my uber-religious folk out there riddle me this. If you were sinning by fornicating in the first place, (never mind if one or both parties is married) why compound the sin by birthing a kid conceived of sin? I know it’s not a popular idea, but the idea that if you get pregnant then you must have baby, is asinine. It doesn’t give you the moral high ground as a man or woman just to say I had a baby, especially when the child was conceived of ill conditions and is coming into a world of ill conditions.
I say reverse Roe v Wade (except for rape and incest), alter child support laws that will hold BOTH parties equally responsible for irresponsible births, and create a parenting licensing system kind of like having to get a drivers license to become a parent, and that will help curb many of these bad behaviors and decisions. Go back to using terms like ‘bastard” and putting the ‘shame’ back into making these decisions also will help curb the trend. We accept this as normal, and this is the biggest problem. Being nice and overly understanding won’t get the pendulum to swing back in the right direction. Only a practical and logical outlook on this epidemic will suffice. Anything less would be uncivilized. I’m not bashing teen parents, or adults who have kids out of wedlock, heck I’m one of them, but I also know that I didn’t have kids the honorable way and it bothers me, as it SHOULD bother anyone with any sense of practical values, not religious tradition, but sensible values. We have to stop subscribing to the notion that ‘things just happen’ it’s happening too much nowadays! fin
I’m about to read the rest of this man but shout outs to you with the Aquemini reference!!
Thanks bro, I really try!
Lawd, you ’bout to start sumthin! LOL
We can’t oversimplify these options.
I don’t think you’re taking into consideration the emotional and psychological issues that come along with abortions for LOTS of women. I’m 33. My mother aborted the child after me…about 30 years ago. She’s still not over it. And it’s not because of some religious stigma. She chose to abort because she got pregnant early in the relationship…and then they ended up being together for 20+ yrs. …never got over that.
I have a cousin who was adopted into my family. He’s in his 40’s now…and STILL in the grips of addiction because, no matter how loved he was by his adopted family, he still felt discarded, unknown, and lost.
Neither abortion or adoption guarantees a better life or options for those involved. It’s all a gamble…some circumstances are more of a gamble than others, yes. But, a gamble nonetheless…
I agree that it is a gamble, and I also know from personal experience the emotional quirks that come with abortion, not so much as with adoption. However I will not subscribe to the notion that choice is a non-starter in these endeavors. Kids CAN’T be a punishment for recreational sex. We are the only beings on the planet who copulate for purposes other than procreation, so it is implied by biology and reason that we can choose how we populate this planet. People make it out to be an unspoken rule that if you’re pregnant, you MUST go thru to term or adoption is not an option. Now I say this under the premise of kids being birthed irresponsibly. Men and Women not making rational, sensible, and most of all MUTUAL decisions when considering life. I’m not against having kids I just believe they should be born in the best possible circumstances, and today that’s generally not happening because people are blinded too much by the ambiguity of what’s moral versus what is practical, and sometimes that means making the hard choice as a matter of prudence not pride. You still love me @cyn? lol
…but of course, LOLOL.
Everyone always has a choice. And all the options should be weighed and considered to see what’s most appropriate (emotionally, long-term, etc.). I def agree with that. But, I’m sure I know some people that appreciate that their parent struggled to raise them over giving them up or aborting them. *shrugs*
…kinda hard to call the solution on this one, honestly. It’s not that clean cut to me.
I feel ya, In the end, I just believe that being a parent is something you have to WANT to do. Having physical custody does not imply that premise in my opinion. I also believe that men and women who feel they aren’t ready to be parents shouldn’t be vilified for making what I feel are responsible (yet tough) decisions.
Didn’t finish your full comment yet. That abortion reference may have come off wrong. I’m not ignorant of what psychological issues might follow. I was just simply giving a couple examples of services that are there for those who see it as a viable option. It was only for those who are for it. I know many who have had them. I don’t take them lightly and I know that can take a toll. I was simply giving options. I neglected to also mention safe haven laws especially in NY. But I’m back to reading your stuff now lol.
Pops that reply was for Langwich’s first comment, lol. I knew where you were coming from…
….and I’m harsh…. LOL!
Lol…touché pussycat! You got me on that one!
“If you were sinning by fornicating in the first place, (never mind if one or both parties is married) why compound the sin by birthing a kid conceived of sin?”
I say this ask the time. Additionally if you are receiving government benefits you should be on a no kids for “x amount of years” contract. There is no stigma for having kids you are in no position to raise. People don’t consider what it takes to raise a child anymore. They’re selfish and then they want others to feel sorry for them because of the decisions they made.
I don’t know that I co-sign with every point but u said it brilliantly. It pains me to see folks squabble with exes over child support, pettiness when all of this could have been prevented if they bothered to wear a condom. I don’t even think its about being married or unmarried I think its about understanding the full responsibility of rearing a child. Its one thing for an adult to make a conscious choice to adopt a child or have a child with the support system and finanical means to do so, its one thing to have a child with two committed, stable adults invested in raising it but many people are just running to and fro having kids they aren’t mentally, emotionally or financially able to care for
“I began to think to myself that as much as we look for
people to make their own responsible decisions, maybe it isn’t their fault.”
It is their fault.
Everything that has happened to me in my life is my own fault. I cannot stress this enough as a premise. Any accidents or illnesses due to my sexual behavior in my youth that I have escaped is purely luck of the draw.
I have deserved to have had a child accidentally. I have deserved to have a VD. I have deserved to get caught with married women and beaten senseless. None of those things happened….whew! That mindset keeps me from being judgmental on topics like this.
Results are not judgmental either. I love results. I live by
results. Results tell a detailed truth for your exact situation. Have a couple
million dollars? 3 kids out of wedlock? …NBD. Got a couple hundred dollars? 3 kids out of wedlock…SMH.
Shame would help. Other than meerkats (bring back “Meerkat
Manor”), we humans are the only one that I can think of that have the ability
to shame one’s sexual behavior. It’s a trip. I get more shame for not having a
child at 36 than I would if I had 2 baby mommas.
“Are Pregnancies Always To Be Celebrated?” in reference to this article..
Biologically – yes
Socially – Nope
I respect it. And I feel you everything ultimately does fall on us, I just don’t know their mental state to say that with all of my confidence that’s all.
“I get more shame for not having a
child at 36 than I would if I had 2 baby mommas.”
And therein lies the problem!!! I like to make that analogy akin to how we as a people tend to celebrate someone getting out of jail more than we would someone getting out of school.
I love that you wrote this article. I discuss this topic with my best friend all the time and this is the first time I’ve ever seen something like this written. No, not all pregnancies should be celebrated. I have so many opinions about this issue, but I wanna keep my post short.
Honestly, I can’t speak for every unplanned pregnancy but all of the ones that have happened to people I know were people who knew better they just didn’t think it would happen to them. They knew about condoms and birth control, morning after pill but the only means of birth control they used was “hoping and praying they weren’t pregnant.” People know better. I feel sorry for the children because a woman or man with one, two kids already knows their financial situation, already knows the demands of parenthood, already knows about condoms and other ways of unplanned pregnancy prevention they just keep using that “hope factor.” This isn’t something u fix with more education or tossing condoms in the streets people are being straight up irresponsible. We have more forms of birth control than we have ever had and people still pop up pregnant its ridiculous. I’ve known people with one child playing russian roulette with sex after that. They have done it with men that were known cheaters and I just shake my head because it isn’t about judging them its about knowing that when the ish blows up in their face they will crying to me and I have no sympathy for it. Condoms break I get it, ish happens but folks are just reckless
I see more single momma baby showers these days than wedding showers in the Black community. It’s a crying shame and there’s nothing being done about it. He’s good enough to be the father of your child but not good enough to be your husband? We Black people are just bringing ourselves down. We’re logical, intelligent human beings but most of the time I don’t see the difference between some of us and dogs in heat.
The whole problem here is people that want to ‘you know what’ outside of marriage. It is wrong and there are reason that it is outlawed in the Bible. However, we do neglect the fact that there are some ‘fast’ young women out there but there are also some Black male sociopaths out there as well that practically take psychological control over the woman and make her do whatever he wants. She usually can’t see through the smoke until he’s gone.
For instance, I met an emotionally unavailable man, that, upon learning that I was a v______, all of a sudden, just HAD to have me. He would talk about marriage and would say things like “where do you want to live in the future? Do you want to live where I want to live? How many kids do you want?” Note that these questions are not directly about him marrying me, but they are directed to try to manipulate me into thinking that they are about such.
In the end, he invited me to his house, but later told me not to come back unless I was willing to have s_x. I am glad that I didn’t fall for this man, but I was in my thirties when this happened. A younger woman would have likely fallen for this.
Again, women play a role in this as well, but there are really some Black men that practice taking mental control of a woman’s mind in order to get s_x. Even psychologists say that once someone is in a relationship with a sociopath, that person is driving the car unless the victim gets help from a psychiatrist who tells her that she is being manipulated by a sociopath.
But how many 19 year old Black women are going to seek a psychiatrist?
I get your position, but it should be noted that the world isn’t Christian and the world doesn’t use that one book to govern their lives. So with that, there’s a multitude of beliefs all people have. With that there’s many people who see nothing wrong with premarital sex which is a huge reason as to why it happens across the board. So my concern was really educating all those who are active. It’s almost like choosing the lesser of two evils in your case. Whereas if you’re going to be active it behooves you to be responsible while at it you know? And it’s the latter that I think is a bigger glaring problem that more can associate with rather than just linking it to religion.
You have summed up my thoughts on this with these words: People who don’t seem to have complete control over their own life begin to give life to another. There is a serious lack of planning as well as education in our communities. Parents are not openly speaking to their children about sex and our children are not preoccupied enough with academic and extracurriculars to foster their dreams, making them possible and worth working towards. They are bored and miseducated with no thought of tomorrow. They are forever young until adult hood sets in, in the former of unexpected parenthood. And just as they were left answerless before, they will be even more in the clouds now.
That’s just it.
The birth of any baby should be celebrated, just as important as we should be celebrating the life of someone who has left us. There is no getting past life, once it is granted to you, and death will meet us all one day. Ushering in new life should always be celebrated no matter the circumstance or situation the parents are in.
I’ve been reading through the comments and there has been some great dialogue. What really grinds my gears are individuals who have children just to receive more money from the government. I’ve seen and heard it from the mouths of mothers from NYC neighborhoods. Parenting is the highest calling for us all. One of the main reasons why I use condoms and/or if the relationship is serious have conversations of using additional measures (i.e. birth-control). And even then, if a baby was to be conceived I would be ready to father a child. But it’s always up to the women.
Pregnancy is very important thing in everyone life, it is the time to celebrate. I remembered my pregnancy, it was fun filled moment for me. Now i have 2 children, they are my life, my everything. Enjoy the moment.