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Can You Let A Man Down Easy?

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We’ve all been there.

We have all had to tell someone that we weren’t interested. Whether it be we weren’t interested in being in a relationship or being more than platonic friends. It’s a compromising position. To the majority of us who don’t want to intentionally hurt someone, we spend time trying to find the right words. It’s my thinking that women in particular have an issue with this.

For whatever reason I think that ladies try to save face as much as possible. When a guy  shows interest in her and she isn’t interested she begins to show “signs.” Women are always showing signs. Many guys don’t realize this til after the fact. When it’s all said and done  a woman might say “I tried to hint to you,” or “I tried to give you the signs.” and I know many guys who would react “why didn’t you just say so?” Which is a pretty valid question.

What I will say is that there are a lot of guys who make it hard for this to be possible. Quite frankly a lot of women think men can’t handle the truth. They feel this way because too many guys flap their gums after being turned down. You can’t win every time, that’s just the game. The most insecure figure that this is their license to come up with a predictable meme that shits on a woman that turned him down.  Of course as I was reminded this past weekend, there are males and there are men. And a man “gets it.” In every facet men “get it.” That  means that a man gets it if you’re not interested.

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Men want a few things from a woman he’s interested in.

Namely, a guy wants his time not to be wasted, and he wants clarity. With that you’re probably thinking if he “gets it” then he should get my signs. I think you have a point, but above all else you want a guy to always respect you. Trust me when I tell you that a man would respect your honesty. We’d love you forever knowing we didn’t waste time and money. We’ll always see you in a positive light because you didn’t pull our finger.

A man can take that honesty.

There’s no need for the smoke and mirrors with us. Save the “distance” and the signs for the insecure homeboy. This subject reminds me of undergrad. I was talking to a girl for a short time, I might’ve been about 19. I’m single and sewing my royal oats of course and there was one girl I was curious about. We went out, we had a night or two of a little fooling around, but nothing crazy. But before things go to a place where she thought she wouldn’t have control, she called me to come to her  face to face one day. She simply told me that we want two different things. She wasn’t willing to compromise that and she suggested we just stop where we are. Til this day I appreciate that. It’s always how I wanted something like that to be handled. I was always given the advice that break ups and serious conversations are best held in person. There’s something about it that’s really respectable.

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So to answer this post’s question, there is a way to let a man down easy.

The easiest way is to be honest, because a man can handle that. Be honest and respectful and you won’t be seen as some bitch. We know you don’t want to be seen as a bitch . I assure you if you handle things as a woman a man will no doubt see it and appreciate it. So going forward, keep it funky it’ll save you all headache in the long run.

Have any of you had trouble shutting someone down? What has been your experiences with break ups or telling someone you weren’t interested?

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS 

Comment(22)

  1. All I say is “Well, I’m gonna go now.” Or “Yes I have a man.” No further explanation or proof of my words is necessary. It is not my problem to make a strange man I have 0 interest in feel fluffy about my rejection. I don’t feel some deeply conscious way about it. You are a STRANGER. I don’t know you, or owe you, period.

    There’s never attitude though, but “No” does not mean please try harder, drool, and be desperate. If a woman likes you, she will stay put when you come closer, lean in to hear you talk, hang around and exchange in convo. If I am keeping my distance and looking around, I am just not that into you.

    1. Sadly, I told one guy that I was ‘already taken’ and he would just say ‘but are you MARRIED’ as if he didn’t even take a relationship seriously unless a woman is married. Finally, I said ‘not yet, but I’M TAKEN!’ He said ‘well, I’m going to see if I can CHANGE THAT!!!’ Nonetheless, this guy works a minimum wage job and doesn’t have a degree but thinks that he can win over a psychiatrist and take his woman???

  2. Good one. Speaking to someone face-to-face and being honest always sounds good, but in the moment sometimes you are just not feeling that the situation warrants you giving it that much energy. Like after two dates! Forget it. I don’t owe someone a sit down to explain that I’m not interested. It would be nice but I don’t think it is required. There are also things called social cues, pick up on them…women and men. If someone is not calling you back or making time for you…guess what….they are not checkin for you. It’s a tough blow to the ego sometimes but we have all been there.

    1. I hear you, you put a name to the stuff I was mentioning in there lol. Social cues got it you’re right. My explanation was just that some people don’t pick up on them and since they don’t there’s no problem with just being straight up.

  3. I’m an introvert so more often than not, my Spidey senses will tell me this isn’t going well and I’ll bow out before I overstay my welcome. Men in general usually will take the blow to the ego now than realized they wasted time and money later but then others…. Just aren’t wired right. They’re insecure and tend to go after women they think they’re settling for and when they’re still curved, it goes zero to 100 real quick.

    1. I’m glad to see a young man with his head on straight! Yes, that is one thing that I can’t stand – when a man decides that he has to have me because he thinks that he can’t get anything better… I don’t want to be anyone’s last choice. I think that is the reason that things work so well right now with me and my S/O. He is very educated and I am educated. He looks nice, and I’ve been told that I ‘look nice’ (it’s not right for me to say that about myself)… Generally, we see each other as two people that have other options, but we both choose to try to make things work out with each other.

      It’s nice to know that the person that you’re with has other options but CHOOSES you. There is no better feeling in the world.

  4. For me, I can usually tell if someone isn’t interested and take my leave. I’ve never really had a problem telling someone I’m not interested. It only becomes a pain when the person keeps persisting after I tell and show them that I am not interested.

  5. From my personal experience, yes I try to let a man down easy (I loved how the post stressed the difference between a man and a male!), but usually it is not a problem if it’s a man. I completely agree that honesty is necessary, but sometimes honesty is not appreciated with people lacking maturity.

  6. Although I have and will continue to be honest with men I am not interested in, I have yet to find one I have said no to who hasn’t kept on trying till it was PAINFULLY clear that it wasn’t going to happen, i.e I am in a serious relationship, or haven’t returned calls/see them in a long time. and Even, then it’s like they have a marker on their calendar to holla at you every 6 months or so to see if a) your current relationship has soured, b) you are desperate enough to give them a shot this time around, or a combination of both. I find that a lot of dudes are basically vultures, they do not care that they weren’t your first choice as long as they can get it in. I call them vultures because they are sending mass textes to find what I call the “wounded animals”, you know that girl that’s sitting at home on a Friday night lonely as hell. I get it, he’s a man and he has needs so on a random day he throws ish on the wall to see what sticks. That doesn’t mean he’s looking for a relationship with you at this point, he’s just bored and looking for something to do. Or there are instances where they “romanticize me” as this “wife material”, mainly because they never had you and they always think if they had you they’d settle down, when the issue is really them and where they are in life. So yes be honest, but don’t think that will make them stop trying. good luck!

    1. Exactly!!! I have guys that seem to want me more now that I’m in a relationship. I feel that they are awaiting the ending of the relationship. Personally, I think that is pathetic because, don’t they realize that by acting in this manner, they would be LAST on the list if the relationship did end?

      Furthermore, I am not trying to brag, but I am a Ph.D. student with a job that The Lord gave me and I am dating a religious psychiatrist that has several degrees but the men that keep coming after me trying to see if the relationship has ended have no degrees and the ones that have degrees are players with poor moral characters and are not religious. Do they really think that they would have a chance if the relationship ended? Some of these men are living in a fantasy world.

      1. it’s often that way. the guy who’s educated will wait till he’s old and ashy to “give up” and wife someone up. The other dude who hasnt really prepared himself much will continue to shoot for women like you, denigrading women with less not understanding that’s who really would be happy to have him. such is life. People always overplaying their hand.

  7. Please. That might still get you stalked and punched. Men don’t get a hint, honestly, a billboard, or a blimp. Quite scary. They’ll try and try and try to point where u don’t want him even looking your direction. What don’t yall men get?

    1. Please, don’t feel bad. Many of us, men and women, are guilty of the disappearing act. It may not be right but it is what it is and not what it should be. I am guilty of the disappearing act as well.

    2. The disappearing act works the best if the man is at your job, but you end up getting another job or he is in your town but you don’t tell him that you have plans to move. Typically, I end up seeing these guys on Facebook with other women within about a week, so I guess they were not too interested in me or too hurt either. This partly show that it is a power game when men come on so strongly because if it were true love, they could not have another woman in one week’s time – they would need to recover.

  8. Honesty does not equate to letting a man down easy. I’m honest and men whine how I could still not be so honest. I’m soft spoken, short, and considerate; non intimidating. I have an ability to deliver bad news and criticism in a non-combative and diplomatic way. Rejection seems to trigger a persistent button. I’m sure men persist because it has worked for them in the past. I ask men to please understand women are not all the same; what works for one, won’t work for all. Although, I am initially respectful, if it persists I become less nice.

    It’s ok for things not to work out, and I don’t think that’s said enough. Removing that woman simply makes room for the right person to enter your life.

    1. Oh I agree, my whole idea is that a mature man will know the difference between when it’s right to be persistent and when it isn’t. It very fine for things to not work out. A wise person can do the right thing with honesty.

  9. It’s been my experience that it is cultural. Black men and ‘Middle Eastern’ men tend to get angry when a woman turns them down, regardless of how nicely she does it. It has something to do with how those cultures think that a man is always in charge. They believe that the man starts the relationship and the man ends the relationship. I am also soft-spoken and I do not have the stereotypical ‘Black woman’ tone to my voice and I do not use slang much either. Yet, I am still treated horribly whenever I turn a man down directly without giving ‘signs’.

    Honestly, the times when I gave ‘signs’ are the times in which I was treated the best. For instance, a man was interested in me and at first, I told him that I was not interested but he pretty much took my hand and placed a paper in it with his phone number and ran off. I never called. Six months later, the same man approached me and begged saying that he was not like other men, blah, blah, blah, so I agreed to take his number and he said that he would call me. The next day, he called and ultimately wanted to know what he could to do me physically on a first date, when I said that we could not kiss, he immediately became angry and said “THEN WHAT CAN WE DO??!!!” I instantly told him that I thought that we should just be friends and he begged for more. Finally, he said, “I’m going to let you go and think about it and if you want me, call me in a week.” I didn’t call, and now he rolls his eyes whenever he sees me, etc.

    I had another man to approach me and I never turned him down but just never returned his interest through acting uninterested and giving signs. This man still regards me as a friend and does not roll his eyes or anything else.

    Men claim that they want you to be honest, but they only want this when it is in their favor. Nevertheless, these men are not honest – they will flirt and string on women that they don’t want on purpose. How can these men claim that they want honesty when they are not even honest themselves?

    1. You didn’t get my distinction between males and men I’m guessing because you’re describing males in all of these scenarios.

  10. One of the greatest piece of dating advice that my dad ever gave me was to NEVER allow a man to think you like him when you really don’t. I hold true to that and respect it. I like to be an outright homey. I don’t flirt or do cutesy things with or around a guy who I I know is interested. I allow my actions followed by my words to show you from the jump that you need to pump your brakes! It ain’t that kind of party. I think females should be respectfully honest to these men right off the bat. Ladies, he’s grown. He’ll get over it.

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