Home Featured Please Stop Having Children By My Future Husband

Please Stop Having Children By My Future Husband

112

father-smiling-with-child-e1336446457633

This is a public service announcement on the behalf of my future married self and my sister friends in the struggle.

Have you ever dated a guy with a child and thought to yourself: I wish he didn’t come with a microwave family. Am I wrong? I’ll help you with that answer, no you are not!

I know I can’t be alone in this thought. At least two of my close friends are in relationships with men that have children. The circumstances surrounding the children and their mothers could have potentially ruined each relationship at one point or another, for one reason or another.

What about the surprise baby scenario, ever encountered that one? In my case, it went a little something like this. We met at a mutual friend’s dinner party. He was cute, but I didn’t give it much thought. Then unexpectedly I’m having dinner with the girls at a popular midtown Manhattan restaurant and randomly, guess who walks up to my table. Eventually, after combining our dinner parties for an evening full of laughter, he and I exchanged information. I had to admit that the guy was charming.  Post first date, I was absolutely interested. He had a great personality and his stats on paper matched up as well. Gainfully employed, degree in accounting, own apartment, and no kids.

We went out on three dates and everything was going better than I could have expected. Then I got a call. He asked me to meet him because he had something that he needed to talk to me about. At this fairly early juncture in our relationship I was a bit confused as to what we could possibly need to discuss so urgently. I went along with his request. We met for a drink. Before the waitress could return with our order of white wine sangrias, he dropped Hiroshima on me. He revealed that for the past few weeks he had failed to mention that he was a new father…to a ten-month-old baby boy. Technically he had not lied to me. Well it was a lie by omission. Nothing in our interaction led me to believe that he had any children up until that point. Conveniently he omitted that he was a father.

See Also:  The Saved Zone

I didn’t know what to expect from the conversation, but this baby revelation was nowhere near having been on my radar. I was shocked and a bit crushed since things had been going so well. I knew that the situation could potentially get complicated from that point on if I decided to continue dating him. He said that the relationship with the child’s mother was done, but is it ever really done?

He seemed embarrassed and unsure of my reaction. His introduction to the situation included something along the lines of: I like you and I like when we hang out together, so I have to tell you about my situation, but I wish it were not the case. A part of me felt sorry for him. But I also felt sorry for me. I watched any hope of a future with him swirl down the drain. Not because he was a bad guy, but because of decisions and actions that were made before my time. Decisions that were now impacting our current reality. Being the understanding person that I am, I tried to continue dating him for a few more weeks. However, once the baby was a known factor, things just began to get too complicated. The complications were largely due to his situation with the baby’s mother. I shared with him my theory on women having kids with men outside of marriage. Women don’t typically have a child with a man that they don’t love. Sometimes I feel like men are either clueless or they play clueless, because the willingness of a woman to have your child should speak volumes. In the instance that I shared, I was only able to receive one side of the story, but I had heard it so many times before. His relationship with the child’s mother was on the verge of ending. The breakup had been discussed and they agreed to split. Then she turns up pregnant.

See Also:  The Residual Self Image and How “Ironically Ratchet” Became the New Thing

How many of us have heard the story of a similar cliché situation? How many of us know someone dealing with the notorious baby momma drama? We can easily say that it takes two to participate in the creating of a baby, but let’s be honest, in 2014 we all know how not to get pregnant. I know married women, and women in long-term relationships, that are now subject to the trials and tribulations of a woman’s antics who is still trying to hold on to a relationship that is dead and buried. If children had not been added to the equation would those two people even know each other still? Or would they be unattached people having moved on to new relationships, leaving them as distant strangers who once shared a past?

It would be years before the guy in the above story was in the clear to truly make a viable effort at a meaningful relationship with another woman. Hence, we were not able to make a fair assessment of where our relationship could have led. Because of another woman’s selfishness, we will never know what type of great love she may have prevented. I knew this from experience. In years prior a similar scenario happened to me more times than I care to acknowledge. I would meet what seemed to be a great guy, but he had a child and baggage. I tried to stay and deal at least twice, but in both cases it did not work out in the end. Largely because the men had obligations, obligations that I did not have nor could I always understand. I respected myself enough not to let their obligations and baggage get in the way of my happiness. We were not two single people coming together to date and see where things may go. He was a father, and if I chose to commit to him on a deeper level like marriage, then all of the experiences that we would have gone through together as first time parents would have been stolen.

See Also:  Do Men Ever Step Up Without A Woman's Expectations?

Do mistakes happen? Yes. Do accidents happen? Yes. Can contraception malfunction? Absolutely. But let us remember that women control more than we think. Everything from the beginning to the ending result of sex is a choice that we make for our bodies. There is no grand prize for trying to keep someone that does not want to be kept via a baby. As a future girlfriend, fiancé, or significant other, the woman that I do not want to deal with…the one that thought it was a brilliant idea to conceive a child with a man that was likely not interested in committing himself to her at the time that the child was conceived, let alone starting a family. But she didn’t care. Too often we see the “Keep a man” baby scenario played out and we should all know by now that it really does not work! It simply adds unnecessary stress and heartache along with complicating the futures of all parties involved.

Please understand that in everything that I said, I’m not attempting to let men off the hook for the role that they play. However, I can’t control him, but I can control me. We all need to be more accountable for our actions, which will in turn create a better foundation for our community.

xoxo

Ahyiana Angel

About the Author: Ahyiana Angel is a Cali girl who turned the Manhattan streets into her playground. This sassy storyteller—a former sports entertainment publicist at the National Basketball Association (NBA)—is anticipating the release of her first novel, Preseason Love Oct.21, about dating in New York, coveted careers, complicated relationships, and ultimate deception. Angel is the creator of the salacious and popular blog Life According to Her. It’s contrived like reality TV, fictionalized for fun (also to protect the innocent), and sensationalized for your entertainment.

Website

Blog

Facebook

Twitter @Ahyiana_Angel

Instagram @Ahyiana_Angel

Comment(112)

  1. Amazing…….. Let a Guy write this about a a Woman who finds out she is pregnant by a Guy she broke up and ALL HE!! Would break loose……. Wait, it has been done and ALL HE!! did break loose. Every. Single. Time.

    So now folks are dismissed for being Mothers and Fathers in this new dating world (which is perfectly Allowed and the Discretion of an Individual). Not to Mention, I suppose since a Woman invoked the “Keep a Man” line it’s OK, but a Guy would be hung over the lava coals for that

    1. I don’t think the reaction would be quite as bad a you have projected. In fact I doubt there is much reaction at all if a guy would have written about the same subject because — No One would care.
      But as a guy faced with a similar story, she isn’t lying. Being the father of a young child via a woman that you don’t want to share a relationship much less love is a dating anchor.

    2. Respectfully disagree. I think that for a lot of people, dating a person with a child is a deal breaker, regardless of circumstance. Man or woman, we all should be able to understand the feeling of wanting to date somebody with a clean slate, so to speak; somebody that we can START a family with, if it comes to that. Children? That’s a hurdle from jump. It’s baggage with a whole series of complications that will never be dropped off. God bless the individuals who are willing to deal, sometimes even assuming a parenting role for said child and successfully assimilating themselves into an already established family, broken or not. However, I’m led to believe that the vast majority will see this as an unfortunate unrecoverable. I’m sorry to the OP, that’s a really tough break.

      1. I would have to agree with the whole “dating a person with a child being a deal breaker” for most. It all depends on how the adults handle the whole situation, though, because what should really be the important factor, for the parents, is the well-being of that child. And the single person can either choose to stay with the individual with the child or not. Like Ahyiana stated, not verbatim, you can’t let things get in the way of your own happiness.

      2. As a male approaching 40 (with no kids), I have to accept that I’m above the nation’s average age for starting a family. And as a result, I can’t be so narrow in my consideration for a good partner.

        The article does make me wonder, “what’s the age where this is an unrealistic deal breaker?” 35? 32? …really hard to say. However, I do think that it’s ironic that despite being more educated (and having more overall access to knowledge and experiences) than our parents’ generation, we are overwhelming positioned with similar choices to them – ie making a marriage/longer term relationship work on the 2nd go around instead of going “through [them] together as first time parents”.

      3. I used to think a child and/ or previous marriage were deal breakers until I wised up and realized a man with experience is better for a relationship than one who looks good on paper. As I got older and my needs matured I realized the notion of “firsts” was overrated and meeting a man with previous experience was an opportunity to hear how they handled real couple situations, hear what they learned that would help improve a future relationship, and see how they cared for their child. These were critical in determining relationship maturity, marriage potential, and whether they would be a good father. Once I opened my mind, and my options, I realized I was denying myself the possibly of meeting an extraordinary man, like my husband.

    3. Coming from a woman the “Keep a man” line is stupid. No one can keep what is not theirs. We don’t own our partner in relationships. This type of sentiment is from the overbearing controlling type of woman. She may be super sweet and subtly controlling but it is no less a relevant trait.

  2. “I tried to stay and deal at least twice, but in both cases it did not
    work out in the end. Largely because the men had obligations,
    obligations that I did not have nor could I always understand. I
    respected myself enough not to let their obligations and baggage get in
    the way of my happiness. ”

    I respect that sentiment. Being in a relationship with a man or woman with kids is not easy for many reasons and if it’s not for you then to bow out gracefully is the adult thing to do.

    But..”Because of another woman’s selfishness, we will never know what type of great love she may have prevented.” Really? If it was to be such a great love wouldn’t it have endured the drama of dating a man with kids?

    Folks come to relationships with all kinds of obligations and baggage. Kids, physical or mental ailments, elderly parents, exes, etc. If you can’t handle the fact that folks have lives, often complicated ones, then your dating prospects are going to be quite limited. Which may be ok with you. But don’t blame whatever the obligation is (in this case his child’s mother) because you aren’t in a place yet to deal with his situation. That’s on you.

    1. an elderly parent, and exes are so different from a kid c’mon. Let’s not confuse them. Elderly parents do not come with another person that may still be trying to run that man’s life because he left and is starting a relationship, exes can be blocked and never spoken to again. Once you date a man with a kid you come second period and you have to be ok with that. You might not get the undivided attention you need, your dates are planned around when he has his kid if you are not yet introduced, or have to be kid friendly if u guys are introduced to the kid, or he has to have a babysitter, your vacations, have to be around the school vacations, everything changes when u date a person with a child and yes for those of us who don’t have kids, life is sweeter with a man in the same situation being that u can just see each other everyday, wake up late on the weekends, be spontaneous etc. let’s not act like it’s the same as dating a person with “exes and aging parents lol”. I have done it, and frankly if i can i will avoid it.

      1. they are different situations with often similar outcomes. elderly parents may have to live with the adult child and often require a level of attention that requires you to plan your entire life around them which can hamper your dating life and annoy the other party.

        you may block an ex but that doesn’t mean that they have blocked you. or that they don’t have some influence on your life now, wanted or not.

        My point isn’t that dating a person with kids isn’t hard. It can be, especially if the relationship becomes serious. And if you chose not to date a man/woman with kids., more power to you for realizing what you can and cannot handle.

        My point is you can’t, as the author is doing, blame that persons co-parent for your inability to deal with it. Folks are out here living life, by the time they come across your timeline the life they’ve lived /are living may not work for you. Cool, keep pushing. But dont point the finger. That’s BS.

      2. I get it! But I’ve had men to turn me down because I sometimes care for my elderly parents in favor of women with two kids dealing with an ex! It is simply ridiculous!

    2. I really like the idea that you presented here about people ‘not being able to handle relationships due to the fact that their (potential partners) have lives’. I don’t have children, have never been in a serious relationship (just started one now), and am in good shape but all of my friends would tell me that my strict upbringing and the fact that I take care of my aging parents from time to time would make it impossible for me to have a relationship. I have had men to turn me down because of my strict upbringing (I don’t drink or smoke) while chasing after women that had multiple partners, etc. just because they said that me trying to look after my parents made me not a grown — woman!
      I’m thinking, ‘when did being religious and looking after my parents make me less of a woman than a woman with 30 partners?’
      If a man can’t accept the fact that all people have a limited amount of baggage or a woman can’t accept that fact when dealing with a man, how will society go on?
      Now, I will not date a man with children unless he has a good reason for doing so, but turning down people that like to go to church in favor of people with much worse problems or rating devotion to parents as worse than alcoholism is ridiculous!

  3. Haven’t read the article yet but I will…just needed to stop in and say the title is hilarious and accurate!!!!!!!! LOL bwahahahahahahahahahaha

  4. **deep breath**

    Let me preface this by saying I do not have a child, nor am I with child. THAT SAID….

    You are perfectly entitled to your opinion, as I am perfectly entitled to believe it is chock full of $h!t. I would have as much of a problem with this article if a man wrote it, but at least I could attribute it to ignorance and privilege. I have no idea what caused these thoughts in your head. “Love” neither increases or decreases fertility and that woman may have bore her child because she is against terminating a pregnancy. It is high time we retired the ol’ “keep a n!gga baby” theorem, 80% reading this right now were raised by a single parent so you KNOW that’s not what makes someone stay. You KNOW that’s not why a woman would get pregnant and choose to keep her child. ” Because of another woman’s selfishness, we will never know what type of great love she may have prevented”???? What in the cockamamie crap?? I love your posts and I thought this was going to be some sort of satire. Is it? I can’t.

    1. WOW I cant believe 46 people thumbed this up. I guess 80% of people reading this really do come from single parent households. I do NOT. I don’t have children either. I completely agree with the article. You absolutely have to be in love with a man to have his child. Lets not sit here and pretend women haven’t had children in an attempt to solidify their positions in failing relationships because they do. Live long enough and some will be bold enough to tell you so.

  5. Thanks, Ahyiana! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article. I, too, feel that same sentiment when it comes to dating and finding out he has kids. Honestly, that’s the next question I ask after his age. It’s such a huge thing that I pray I never have to be okay with. It seems like having kids now are the “in” thing but that completely disrupts the fun dating process. From the getting to know you stage to even possible marriage, I want us both to be able to put each other “first” and progress from we to us sans any expedited step. While of course, there can be work-arounds to a man with kids, but why should I have to work around that? I probably would feel differently if I had a kid, but I don’t, so I don’t even care to understand their side of the spectrum by dating someone with a permanent plus one.

    1. Well damn. No wonder dating can be so complicated or difficult for women/men who have children and aren’t in a relationship with the father or mother of their child(ren). I understand women and men who for them this is a deal breaker. Tis life.

      1. Why the well damn? I only think it becomes difficult when they try to make fetch happen as I like to call it. Date women who are interested in dating a man with kids, instead of trying to date someone without them. Having kids provides a different spectrum of thinking, one of selflessness and I’m not there so I’m not bothering at this point in my life, so sue me, I guess? I’ve thought about it in the future if I decide I don’t want a kid and he has one so that’s a bonus but ehh….. the idea is still so repulsive. But like you said, “Tis life.”

    2. Well anyone can relate to a choice of not dating a parent. However, you’re not exactly blaming women and their child/baggage, for your inability to maintain a viable relationship. In addition you have enough sense to ask if he’s a father.

      1. I don’t factor another woman into any of my decisions, and I’m sure you can’t deduce such a conclusion through any of the typed statements above, as all of them use he with no mention of a she – unless it’s in reference to myself, nor do I mention any lack/inability of relationship maintaining, so… I’m not sure what you’re alluding to in your comment.

        1. …….

          Did you actually read the post, “Please stop having children by my future husband”?

          ……I’m at a loss

        2. Absolutely, and I commented on what I identified with. That makes two of us because I don’t get the point of your comment here.

        3. You said, “Thanks, Ahyiana! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article. I, too, feel that same sentiment when it comes to dating and finding out he has kids.”

          You & Ahyiana’s sentiments weren’t completely the same. Conversing isn’t solely your points….your inability to follow is where I was at a loss.

          Now you say, “I commented on what I identified with”…. yet you don’t know what I’m alluding (overstanding) to and you don’t get the point of my comment…. In the end all I stated were your differences….have a good day

        4. Lol @ obvious…4 responses later, BAZINGA!, you get it. Then you choose to use sarcasm, again.

          I wasn’t putting you down. I didn’t even disagree with you. I don’t understand the hostility nor will I lose any sleep trying to. May you truly, truly be blessed…

      1. Kids aren’t a fad clearly. But the fact that most people have one or more these days in their 20s is a sign of it being normal thing and that it is happening quite often as opposed to it happening later in life. I always feel some type of way that someone asks me if I have children and that I have to ask someone the same question. Assuming someone is a parent in their 20s and being shocked that s/he is not shouldn’t be the norm.

        1. Looking at history, most people had/have kids in their 20s. Most people were married in their early 20s. The “fad” would be the sudden push NOT to have kids until later. The planned pregnancy is the new thing. We were just raised (assuming you’re mid-20s like myself) at a time where families are becoming smaller. You have more time to focus on self rather than the family as a whole.

        2. That is very true. I think the very removal of the marriage factor with kids is the thing that bothers me most. Yes, mid-20s that’s exactly how I was raised. It seems like it’s so much more glorified to be a baby mother as opposed to being a wife first. Not saying that people who find themselves in that situation desired that, but the planned pregnancy is just something I cannot fathom wanting to do primarily by myself or as a single.

    3. I pray you never have to accept it either,so so insane how a guy can have one or multiple kids and a woman somewhere wont even think

  6. What gets me is no one is talking about the poor decision that was made by this man and woman to have unprotected sex that would create the child in the first place. That would be strike one when dealing with a man that has a child of wedlock and then his poor decision to deal with a woman that would have sex with him with no protection. Poor decision making prior to the relationship goes to his state of mind and indicates that there will probably be more going forward. In addition, someone with children from prior relationships come with third parties that usually interfere with the current relationship. Unless the adults involved are strong enough individuals to handle the situation maturely and keep the third parties out of the current relationship or keep them from negatively affecting it, the relationship will not last anyway.

    1. Sooo many assumptions (of course all negative and judgmental) being made with this statement! I guess that speaks to your poor ability to reason and strong desire to jump to conclusions easily…

  7. I can definitely sympathize with you cause I’ve been there too and it is especially hard when you really like the guy. That being said, if it really is over between him and his child’s mother, it may be a little bit more complicated to make it work but it can if both sides really want it. I guess it depends on what stage of your life you are in. Something that could have been a deal breaker in your twenties may not be in your thirties.

  8. This article is just so offensive to me. And yes I am a single mother. I also know other single mothers and not a single one of us has a child because we were trying to “keep a man”. That whole idea is just so insulting I nearly lost my mind. You don’t want to date men with kids fine. I also don’t want to date men with kids and I’m a mom so I completely understand the sentiment but this ignorant and derogatory article was highly unnecessary. Good luck in your search for your future husband. Something tells me there’s a little more keeping him away than the stupid woman who tried to trap him with a break up baby.

    1. “I also don’t want to date men with kids and I’m a mom so I completely understand…”

      Huh? Seems to me those are the men you should be hooking up with because y’all are pretty much in the same exact boat (i.e., people that single childless people don’t usually want).

      It seems a bit hypocritical to expect some single childless man to desire you (and by default you’re ready made family) but you don’t want a man who shares the same circumstances as you. I’m just saying…

      1. I’m not sure how exactly that is hypocritical. So if I prefer to date men who aren’t creative despite being a creative myself would that be hypocritical?
        I have a preference. I’m not running around forcing men to date me nor do I complain when a guy tells me he can’t really be with me coz I have a child. Everyone has their preference and is entitle to such. I have met childless men who have absolutely no problem with the fact that I have a child and also dated men with children who’ve told me that if we got serious, my child would have to go live with my parents.
        That I am in a certain “situation” does not mean I must only date others in the same situation. I, for personal reasons, prefer to date men who do not already have kids. Same way I prefer to date men over 6 ft tall and men who work in certain fields. Does the fact that I’m only 5’6 man that hypocritical?

        1. As long as you don’t take umbrage with men who ‘prefer’ to date women without kids, then I think everything is copacetic.

        2. I most certainly do not. It’s not easy dating someone with kids and if a man doesn’t want to do it then that’s his prerogative.

        3. What “langwichartz” said, though I still find it hypocritical that a woman with a child would refuse to date a man with a child…..yet she somehow or the other feels a childless man should be all welcoming of HER child. Where they do that at?

        4. I don’t feel anyone should be anything as I have CLEARLY stated. If a man is welcoming of my child great. If he isn’t, oh wells. I would never object to a man not wanting to date me because of my child. It happens and that’s his choice.
          Go on and think what you will. 🙂

        5. For clarity’s sake, I will pose a question. Are you open to dating a man with kids or is that a hard deal breaker for you?

        6. It’s not a deal breaker at all. I will date a man with kids if I’m into him. I would simply prefer jim not to have kids. But honestly in the grand scheme of things, there are quite a few things more important to me than his parental status. What I’m saying is if you give me two guys who are identical in every way (looks, personality, occupation, etc) except one has no kids, and ask me to choose, I would choose the one without a kid.

        7. But you do in fact feel he should be welcoming of your child though you didn’t state it.

          You/your child are a JOINT venture. A single/childless man cannot accept you but not your child.

          I highly doubt you would welcome a childless man into your life who does not accept your child.

          So it is not a “oh well” for him…it is more like take US (mother and child) asis…but you can’t have me without my child.

        8. I’m confused. Are you reading what I’m writing? IF you’re planning to date me then OFCOURSE you have to accept me and my child. If you can’t, I understand and bear you no ill will. But if you can, good for me.
          You have to take US as we come because that’s how we come. But if you can’t, I’m not mad at you. I’m not scatting single men off the streets and telling them they must accept my child as theirs. A man makes a choice whether or not to do so.

        9. I have also said this. I do not “Refuse” to date a man with a child. I would PREFER not to. As mentioned earlier I have dated both childless men and parents

      2. Giiiiiiiiiiiiirl…. I know a 27 years old with 3 kids talking about she doesnt date men with kids,i almost betch what her,smmfh as if… Let me exit now before it gets sillier.

  9. This article was extremely selfish. What world do you live in where you make judgements about the situation of all people male or female who have had children out of wedlock. If you are having sex with men and you’re not a virgin…DING DONG…You could be judging yourself..unless you chose to go the clinic (which is a choice you have). If you cannot find a man. Say that. But don’t waste a whole post on judging women or men who have children out of wedlock….Like who are you? But then again…you are single for a reason..you got issues…fix those..you might find a man.

    1. I think the author is expressing frustration that is REAL for a lot of single childless black people.

      We are a small population of people. If you have a large segment of that small population having children out of wedlock (sometimes by 1, 2, 3…different people) it is going to diminish the pool of desirable mates considerably for those who are single, childless, and desire to have children IN wedlock by ONE person (within their race).

      Her attitude is a product of a broken community where her pool of potential single childless men is SMALLER than it would have been 50 plus years ago when the out of wedlock rate wasn’t the epidemic it is today.

      It is not politically correct to say, “Black men/women with children/ready made families are undesirable to people who don’t share this baggage” but it doesn’t make it nonetheless true for a lot of people.

      I happen to believe this crisis will play a large part in the browning of America as more of these single, childless, (usually working professionals) seek what they can’t find in their race outside their race.

      Rather than call the author of this piece “selfish” (which is laughable coming from anyone with children who expects someone without children to just accept the situation asis and be happy) try to put yourself in her shoes and empathize. Quite honestly, if some here didn’t have children it is very likely they would feel the same way as she does right now.

      1. Okay I understand that it is egregious to solely blame the female for out of wedlock children, but how is it that the man just “got himself” in that position?

        1. Poor choice of words on my part…I emphasized the man here because of the nature of the situation and author’s beef with his situation.

          It certainly takes two to tangle…and therefore two to blame. However, because this author is a woman who doesn’t want to deal with a man with an out of wedlock child I feel her issue should be with those men who are irresponsible with their sexual habits…and not solely the women who bring these men’s children into the world.

          It makes no sense to vent your frustration at another woman because you cannot find a man who doesn’t have children. Men are just as capable of protecting themselves from unwanted children as women (and vice versa).

        2. I agree that blaming women is out of bounds and more of the author’s personal angst. I will point out however that a common misconception in this discussion is the degree that each gender has on birth control. Men can only protect themselves prior to conception, Women have the advantage (whether they use it or not) to protect themselves both before and after conception. The idea that unprotected sex is not a mutual decision and activity is a farce. The way I was taught was that yes we should “strap” up, but it was always my understanding that a woman was taught to say NO if men did not want to. It creates the idea that somehow if 2 people mutually agree to have unprotected sex, then all potential outcomes (including pregnancy) are a punishment. That sounds like dogma to me, and I cannot subscribe to subjective ideological dogma. Not exercising your options does not give you the moral high ground.

        3. “Men can only protect themselves prior to conception…”

          And this is where this particular author’s beef should be in my opinion.

          Venting and ranting about women having children by men who made the choice to lay with them though they had no intention of marrying the women, didn’t love the women, and didn’t plan/want children by the women is fruitless. That man should have been more “selfish” with his seed prior to conception.

          That “prior to” is just as powerful as the “before and after” the women control.

          If men (specifically black men) thought of their sperm the way so many cringe at the thought of marriage this would be a non-issue. Simply opting out of meaningless, casual, sexual relations with unwanted people can reduce the unwanted/unplanned/out of wedlock rate in the black community.

        4. I agree and that’s a responsibility that both men AND women share. Casual sex is a mutual choice and activity.

        5. Yes. Black men push women into s-x pretending that they love them and might marry them but run from marriage like the plague and then the woman gets blamed for bearing the child. I have stopped dating Black men for the most part. I am currently seeking non-Black men and not solely for this reason. For the most part, my beliefs as a whole do not align with the Black community beliefs. I don’t believe in pretending to be religious in Church while sleeping around six days of the week, I don’t believe in using slang just to prove that I’m Black, I don’t believe in auditioning for a date with a Black man by trying to prove that I’m ‘better’ that his six other dates that he has on call, I don’t believe in having s-x BEFORE a relationship starts just to prove that I’m worthy of the relationship, I don’t believe in expressing myself through hip-hop music just to prove my race, I will not give up classical music or pursuing a Ph.D. just to prove how Black I am, and I will not downplay my accomplishments for a Black man just to prove how Black I am…

          Because I could not do these things, my ONLY option was to date outside of the race. Black people can call me a sell out if they want or deny that their community is dysfunctional… that’s THEIR call.

  10. I hope this is a rant written primarily to elicit a large controversial response pool… Otherwise, why would any “baby daddy”, that you want to exclude from your dating pool be included? You’re going to need to make up your mind about this.

    The guy who you spoke of may have omitted the fact that he was a father, but your not asking was equally purposely evasive as his omission. It seems you have things in common with the “baby mudder”. 1) you are in control of yourself, use caution and make better choices, and 2)You both accept nonsense from some dude who isn’t at a place in life where he desires to settle down. Keeping your heads stuck in the sand is stoopid. PAY ATTENTION AND LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES!

    When I speak to a guy his family status is a question I ask fast. I also ask about his relationship with his
    kid(s). Every Mother is not longing for her kids Father… In addition, just because abortions are legal, does not mean every woman believes in them.

    Although you were quick to end with your disclaimer, you know good and well you’re doing exactly what you claim you’re not. Men are going to absolutely love running circles around you, so you will probably need to start blaming the appropriate person responsible for your not finding an adequate man. I just don’t understand why you’re checking for men who you claim you don’t want to date.

  11. Being a single woman, I get it to a certain extent. Where I stop (getting it) is blaming other women as if it is their faults for having a baby with the man you like BEFORE you ever met him! I don’t particularly think that folks should be getting accolades for just having babies outside of marriage, but if it happens its not necessarily a character flaw. Like the man for the man/father he is (if he is trying to be a good one:) You can have your preferences, but just know that the older you get, the more likely the most available suitors in your age range will have been attached be it marriage and/or children at some point already. Sorry

    1. Yes… this should be titled “Men, Stop Having S-x with Women that YOU KNOW you will NOT Marry Lest You Prevent Yourself from EVER Experiencing Marriage”.

  12. “I respected myself enough not to let their obligations and baggage get
    in the way of my happiness. We were not two single people coming
    together to date and see where things may go. He was a father, and if I
    chose to commit to him on a deeper level like marriage, then all of the
    experiences that we would have gone through together as first time
    parents would have been stolen.”

    Respect has nothing to do with it. You simply didn’t want to endure the challenge of being in such a situation. Those who do, probably have as much respect for themselves as you do. They are willing to take a risk, and you are not. Such is life, better to leave it at that. You attract hostility, when you make it an issue of self-respect.

  13. Many of the sentiments I’m reading sound so selfish and self-absorbed that I wouldn’t want to be included in your date pool even if I fit the bill. I understand some have this fantasy of how their life will go but come on. You can plan a pretty picnic but you can’t prevent the weather.

    I don’t have any children, but I would never limit myself from someone I get positive vibes from. To end the chance of being happy with someone because you can’t be first ALL the time sounds… stupid. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion though.

    I thought love was about sacrifice… meeting people where they’re at… I mean if you wanna date the rest of your life cool but many of us do buy into the idea that there is one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And that guy (or girl) could be everything you ever asked for but you too blind to see that. Maybe you’re the one not ready for that next level.

    1. You make some valid points, but I think you’re missing that everyone’s definition of love is different. I’m not of the belief that love is about sacrifice. I think it’s about two people coming together who have done everything they’ve wanted to do for themselves and decide that they’re ready to become a “we” with another person and build a life together. That can be defined as sacrifice, but to me, it (the word) sounds like you’re depriving yourself of something valuable and I wouldn’t want anyone to do that. I also believe in not trying to make fetch happen, if it’s not there, it’s just not and you have to be honest with yourself enough to throw in the towel or not engage.

      I, too, believe that there is one person I want to and will spend the rest of my like with, and that when it’s supposed to happen it will, even if that means I’m forced to open myself up to something completely new.

      1. I get that folks wont love the way I do… and that’s a beautiful thing cause i only need one person to love me in that way. When two people that have done everything they want and then decide to get together, i can only think of it as a business transaction. Like the “power couple” bs. I believe in meeting people where they’re at and building from there. I just hope, for your sake, that when you do find that one that they have their ish together ornelse you’re gonna walk right past them… and that’s really sad; to compromise on the joys of building a foundation because you want that person tonbe where younare when you’re ready for a relationship. But i respect your opinion and do desire the best for you.

        1. I can see how it can be looked as that, but I think it’s important for one person to be happy where they are in order for the relationship to work power coupling aside.

          Thank you for your well wishes! I absolutely wish you the same!

        2. I respect your opinion very much and I agree about ‘meeting people where they are’. For me, it is about the irresponsible decision that resulted in the child. I wouldn’t want a man with children because he might try to pressure me into premarital s-x just as he may have done the other women. However, if the man had a good reason, such as he was married but had to divorce due to a difference in religion or the wife died, I would not have a problem with that. Things happen in life, but I just want to know that the man handled the problems in the most respectable manner possible instead of just running around making children everywhere.

        3. How could you have gotten married without knowing what kind of God your spouse prays to? That doesn’t make much sense to me. I see the overall point you’re making, but I’m more partial to the human aspect of evolving in a relationship. I have no children, but I very well could have from my previous relationship with a woman with whom I was in love with and participated in consensual chex regularly. Personally I think we would’ve done great as co-parents. But that’s my personal life. I understand there are guys that will hump any and everything but I’d just imagine those men aren’t what you’re interested in. Maybe I’m wrong though.

        4. Hello, Brad!
          LOL at the religious aspect! I didn’t mean that! 😀 I was referring to a spouse converting to another religion after the marriage and then the partner had to leave, etc. I would not marry a man that was not Christian since I am a Christian.
          Oh yes! You are right. I am totally not interested in men that would be with any woman at any time. In fact, I am a v-rgin and that complicates the dating procedure because many men require ‘you know what’ before they will invest into the relationship. I just cannot have ‘chex’ with someone that I know I will not be with for a long time. Sadly, a lot of the men that have been interested in me wanted the ‘chex’ before they would even consider taking me out to dinner!
          It’s a shame… the world in which we live.

    2. I agree the sentiments are selfish. These young women probably live in a dream world about most things they do. The reality is their insecurities cause them to blame others for their own inadequacies. They probably have an I’m better than “her” disposition which is more than likely what keeps men from taking them seriously.

      Maturity is so awesome, as the realities of life are accepted and heads are out of the clouds.

      1. I think you are reaching for straws.

        There is nothing “selfish” about NOT wanting to raise a ready made family or build a life with someone with a ready made family. In reality it is selfish to expect these single childless people to accept a situation that is not conducive to their way of thinking, upbringing, etc simply because the flock of unwed single black mothers and unwed single black fathers find themselves offended for being ostracized by these people.

        Frankly, if the black community had been as “selfish” as this young woman 40 years ago we wouldn’t find ourselves in this situation today with rampant out of wedlock children, the decline of black marriage, and damn near non-existent black nuclear families.

        A lot of people out here cannot love or grow to love someone else’s kids. It does not matter that those are their spouse’s biological children. They are NOT their biological children and they never will be. They have no emotional connection to the children and for some that emotional connection may never develop. And if it does it is possible that it will never be as strong as the emotional connection they share with their own biological children.

        It is quite possible that if they have a biological child with said spouse that child will be placed in a “favorite” position. Rather than place themselves in this awkward and complicated situation people like the author have decided to simply opt out of relations with people who come to the table with ready made families. I personally think they should be applauded for doing so….rather than condemned for “selfishly” not wanting to accept a family that is not their own.

        We won’t even get into the reality that out of wedlock kids are a financial liability that will impact any childless man or woman who enters into a relationship with someone with kids (example, if this author married the man in question every month she would have to look forward to income leaving her household to support his out of wedlock child).

        We also won’t talk about the reality that she not only has to deal with the out of wedlock child but also the kid’s mother who comes with the territory as well.

        For the sake of saving face here, I really do think some people in the comment section need re-evaluate their use of the word “selfish” because those of us looking at the situation without taking it as a personal affront can see it makes perfect sense why she doesn’t want to get involved with someone with out of wedlock children.

        I bet those of you who have out of wedlock kids never sat back and consciously thought how your decision to bring a child into this world outside of marriage would impact your greater community/race. To me, this spells SELFISH.

        1. LezIntellect, you’re response isn’t based on what I’ve actually stated. Everyone has a choice to date whom he or she wishes to. I never said that was a problem. The problem is blaming women for having a baby by a “future husband” that shouldn’t even be considered in her dating pool. If you don’t want to deal with anyone else’s kid then exclude him and stop blaming his kids mother. You just have to follow it all in order to get a more clear understanding.

          As for this topic being a black issue, you couldn’t be more wrong. What would you know about the thoughts of a parent ignoring the repercussions of having a child? Do you consider your community prior to making personal decisions? That’s unheard of. The reality is you can disagree without feeling the need to put anyone else down for their choices. If there was a true intent to consider community first no one would put anyone down just to make themselves feel better.

          Selfish – 1. too much concerned with one’s own welfare or interests and having little or no concern for others; self-centered. 2. Showing or prompted by self-interest.

          Many people don’t understand vocabulary, or either want to disassociate with certain words because he or she thinks it sounds negative. However, when it comes to personal choices, I feel there are instances when we should be selfish; such as this topic.

        2. “The problem is blaming women for having a baby by a “future husband” that shouldn’t even be considered in her dating pool. If you don’t want to deal with anyone else’s kid then exclude him and stop blaming his kids mother. You just have to follow it all in order to get a more clear understanding.”

          I agree she shouldn’t be blaming women for having a baby by a “future husband.”

          I assume this author’s dating pool consist solely of black men. Exactly, how big do you think that pool of childless black men is…and why exactly is she expected to curb her frustration when faced with this real issue in her community? Perhaps if more people got angry about it we, as a race, would be prompted to make some changes….if not for ourselves then at least for the next generation.

          Her anger is misdirected….however it is REAL and felt by a lot of black people in the real world (myself included). She has a right to feel the way that she feels considering the bleak situation of out of wedlock children and the decline of black marriage in the black community.

          “As for this topic being a black issue, you
          couldn’t be more wrong. “

          I never said it was a “black” issue. However, it is an issue that we, the black community, must face. This author is black. The man she described is black. 72% of black babies born out of wedlock are black. It makes no sense to talk about non-blacks when addressing issues facing black women like this author and the black community.

          I’m not concerned about non-blacks facing this issue…I’m concerned about my community/race. I’m sure when the white, Asian, Hispanic out of wedlock birthrate hits 72% they will find themselves concerned as well.

          “What would you know about the thoughts of a
          parent ignoring the repercussions of having a child? Do you consider your community prior to making personal decisions? That’s unheard of.”

          You have to be in some type of serious denial to deny that there is a problem with black men and black women having too many unplanned/unwanted children by people they have no intention of marrying or building a life with long term.

          People who are conscious of the repercussions of having a child in the above situation wouldn’t willfully bring children into this world under the above conditions.

          As a matter of fact I DO consider the greater consequences of life changing decisions. I do not have any children. I’m not even sure I want any children. I have made a conscious decision NOT to bring children into this world who I cannot support in every way possible. Why? Because I don’t want to be like some of the folks on this thread.

          I have a six figure income. I have a master’s degree. I am self-employed. On paper I seem like a great person to have a child. But there are a few issues: I’m single (not married). I’m not emotionally ready for children. At 29, I’m too “selfish” with my time and energy to devote my life to a child.

          I know that any child I bring into this world at this very moment will have a challenging life given MY station in life. I know that this will impact my greater community…because my failure as a parent…will eventually become a greater community problem as that child ages and begins to express the rage of being born under such circumstances.

          I don’t know how I (and others) can weigh the pros/cons of having children but others cannot. It makes no sense.

          Personal decisions like “children” don’t just impact you personally….they impact your community. If you fail to be a parent who do you think is expected to care for that child? The taxpayers, your community (which includes your extended family etc), society. If you fail to properly rear the child SOCIETY will then need to step in an possibly correct your poor parenting by way of the criminal justice system.

          “The reality is you can disagree without feeling the need to put anyone else down for their choices. If there was a true intent to consider community first no one would put anyone down just to make themselves feel better.”

          Does putting someone down equal not dating them? The author needs to stop lashing out at women having babies, but I don’t agree that she is wrong for feeling the way that she does about this issue. She has every right to speak on it.

          “Selfish – 1. too much concerned with one’s own
          welfare or interests and having little or no concern for others; self-centered. 2. Showing or prompted by self-interest.”

          The word “selfish” is clearly subjective here because I see nothing wrong or selfish about this author’s stance.

        3. I wouldn’t dare assume that I know anymore about you than what you express, but you’re very argumentative/passionate, even when there’s nothing to argue about. I guess you feel you’re teaching me something…

          Life doesn’t necessarily play out the way we fantasize. If it did I wouldn’t find myself as a single mother. Your theory about marriage and being each others first at parenting doesn’t mean it will last. I am a testament of that! Keep on being selfish and doing you, (it’s actually ok) but you shouldn’t claim your selfishness has anything to do with honoring your “community”.

          You assume a single parent is incapable of supporting their children on their own, which is false; I receive support at the discretion of my ex’s mood. While many single parents face challenges and this situation is not ideal, the rate of divorce isn’t exactly making marriage look great.

          Although, I am not in need of guidance or direction, I am not above receiving it. I actually give back to my community and not just claim community is important. I speak to and guide women who are single parents. I also speak to teenagers prior to them becoming parents. However, I do not think I am better than them simply because of circumstances. Contrary to what you believe most contemplate pro’s and con’s of parenthood. Many selfishly want a child despite the results.

          Before you pass more judgment, I am not nor have I ever been on welfare. I paid my own way through college semester by semester based upon what I could afford. I don’t have a masters nor a six figure income to gloat about, but I’m doing just fine. I have peace of mind and feel great about where my life is. I am in most cases selfless and non-judgmental.

          I too agree the writer is free to feel as she does, (never said she wasn’t) but so am I. Didn’t you state her attention was misdirected as well?

        4. I didn’t state that her attention is misdirected….I stated that her anger is misdirected….Fact of the matter is someone needs to hold black single mother’s feet to the fire, but it should not be this author in this situation.

          The divorce rate is a non-issue for people who aren’t even getting married! It amazes me that marriage is scorned and condemned but out of wedlock children/single parent homes are not. So it’s better to have a child out of wedlock than get married and try to make it work?!

          Most of the black kids today are NOT being born in marriage.

          It is better to have kids with ONE person in the “safety” of a marriage than out of wedlock. It is better for the kids. It is better for society. It is better for the black community. It is better for people like the author and me who WANT a spouse who doesn’t already come to the table with a ready-made family.

          Life hasn’t been a fairytale for me either. I was born out of wedlock to a teenage mother and a father with limited opportunities in a small rural racist southern town. Fortunately for me, my parents did have the foresight to at least TRY to build a nuclear family. They did marry…and eventually divorce, but at that point I was approaching adulthood.

          I grew up poor. Yet I managed NOT to be become a statistic. I managed to attend college and graduate school. I have battled depression, thoughts of suicide, and everything else. Yet I’m on the fast track to becoming a self-made millionaire.

          Our choices…the choices we make as parents and for our children make a difference.

          I’m glad to hear you give back to your community. I don’t personally know you to judge you. My statements are not an attack against you personally. I hate the current state of affairs in the black community and I’m not afraid to speak on it. I apologize if I offended you.

        5. This is a BLACK issue. In other communities, although out of wedlock children are born, this is considered an outrage. Thus, because it is uncomfortable for Asian or White people to have a child out of wedlock, it is not done quite as often. However, in the Black community, having children out of wedlock is the norm and it will not stop until we stop denying that it is a Black problem. If I have a nickel for every time that a Black person asked me if I had kids without asking if I am married…

          In White and Asian communities in America, the men will not consider having a baby by a woman unless they consider her to be marriage material. IN the Black communities, the Black men will strip their clothes in a minute at the prospect of s-x while running from marriage as if it is Ebola or something. When someone mentions this, the first thing that they say is “the White men do it too’. First of all, White men are not comfortable with having so many partners outside of marriage because they do not want to end up with a child because they will be ostracized in their communities. Next, why don’t these Black men just stop having so much s-x instead of trying to deflect by talking about what they want to assume that other races are doing? These days, if a single Black woman who does not have s-x much wants to get married, she HAS to consider men outside of her race.

          So, YES – Out of wedlock s-x and children are largely a BLACK problem. We need to stop being politically correct and admit that.

        6. Exactly how many women/men of different races do you associate with, and how long have you known them? How do you view the folks that get married a month before delivery or any time after conception just for the sake of saying the child was born in marriage? Do you believe that black men are the only men having lots of sex? I work in Social Service, and know that this is a societal issue. I will never understand why some black people claim any issue that affects him/her or someone they know as a black issue. They really don’t care about resolving an issue, but only of selfish gains. If you really want to make a difference do the work offline, where the real world and real issues exist.

          Politically correct is not what I’m trying to be. Why is it that folks want everyone to share their opinion? I’m entitled to my opinion and really don’t owe anyone an explanation about it.

        7. Hello!
          I frequently associate with people outside of the Black community because I am a artist that studies the classics (not many Black people doing that) and I have done so for more than 20 years. Because of this, I have seen all angles of this and it really is a Black issue more than anything else. When I am in the Black community, I try to talk to others about the issue and what they can do (to the women, stop having s-x out of wedlock and to the men, stop persuading women to have s-x out of wedlock) but they do not listen because it is ingrained in the culture to do so. These days, they pretty much think it is normal to have children out of wedlock. Are other races doing this in America? Yes, but it is not accepted or an ingrained part of the culture. I’ve asked some White men what would happen if they had a child out of wedlock and they did say that they would pretty much have to marry the woman before the child is born or they would be disowned from the family.

          How many Black people would be disowned from their families if they had a child out of wedlock? Unless the family is heavily religious, not many… because it is an ingrained part of the Black culture.

        8. This is weeks old, but I have to agree that men with children are a huge liability. My ex husbands baby mama took him for several child support increases not because they were needed, but because we were together and prospering financially. Like a dummy, she even admitted in court that since we were acquiring properties that we could obviously afford to pay her more. This woman at the time made 70k a year and their daughter was with us 80% of the time. I never did bond with their child because regretfully I allowed my feelings for her mother and lack of control from my husband effect our relationship. We eventually divorced last year but the financial tug of war was more than I was prepared for. Theres a lot of selfishness that comes with the type of women who are not willing to wait for marriage before having children. There just is. Folks don’t want to say it but it is. I will no longer sacrifice my peace of mind for any reasons. My next husband cannot have children. He can’t. Its a total deal breaker.

  14. Yes, this particular guy lied by omission. However, how do you go 3 dates and never ask him outright if he had kids? It’s not like the baby was 6 weeks old or he’d just found out the kid was his. That just seems like a basic “get to know you” question that you ask someone.

    I get where the author is coming from but the fact of the matter is life seldom goes how you planned. Nobody plans to be a single parent. I think both genders are capable of thinking a bad situation could improve w/ the pitter-patter of little feet around. Might not be as common and it may not be viewed a man trapping his girl. But it does happen. It’s unfair to put that off on solely the woman. Some of us have it planned in our mind that the person we’re supposed to be w/ comes w/ a clean slate and no baggage. Is it possible? Yeah. Is it likely? Probably less than a 50%, especially if you’re attracted to a specific type of man.

    “I tried to stay and deal at least twice, but in both cases it did not work out in the end. Largely because the men had obligations, obligations that I did not have nor could I always understand.”

    The only thing I agree w/ is that people w/ children need to have that side relationship under control before they start dating again. It’s not fair to bring a new person into a situation that’s full of instability and unknowns.

    1. Thank you! There are so few women who plan to be single parents. I had my baby with my fiancé. It was a conscious choice to have the child as a family unit. The wedding hadn’t happened yet because despite having my dress ordered and whatnot, neither of us were particularly “marriage minded” people and didn’t care either way. At least I’m not. After being together for years he turned out to be abusive to I pick amy stuff and bounced. I’m sorry if the next chick he’s going to be with resents me for being stupid enough to have his baby. Perhaps she should ask why a woman with a child leaves a man and make her decisions based on that

  15. How dare you! As a single mother to a beautiful 4yr. I find your article beyond disrespectful. As a woman who was in a relationship with a man, thought we were in love and, though contraceptives were used, had a child with him. The fact that you are so selfish that you cannot give a man with a child the time of day bc of course there has to be drama with the child’s mother, is not the problem of the mother, the child or the father. Unfortunately, you may never find your soul mate bc someone made a decision prior and you can’t look passed your nose and “perfect” self to see that he’s really a stand up guy. Also as a mother who is co-parenting with the father of her child and in a relationship with a man who is a divorcee with a child, I can assure you that I don’t provide drama on my daughter’s father’s life nor do I receive drama. Also, I’ve never dealt with “baby mama drama” in prior relationships. It’s enough being a single mother or even a woman, than to come and read the bs. Makes me sick.

    1. “I can assure you that I don’t provide drama on my daughter’s father’s life nor do I receive drama. Also, I’ve never dealt with “baby mama drama” in prior relationships”
      That means that she’s not writing about you. You’re the exception and not the rule. “Rules”, such as yourself, would make for boring blogposts and great girlfriends…I guess.
      Seems like you’re getting salty for all women when you just should enjoy the fact that you are not one of the ratchet.

  16. Girl you better preach,women nowadays aremore confortable being babymamas then wives,twilight fuqin zone. I wish you the best.

  17. Lol why did this need mentioning? Surely you can’t believe that most BMs were conniving “thots” hell-bent on trapping a “good one”? And i’m not saying they don’t exist but…it’s such a non issue, and to turn it into a “THIS is what’s wrong with our community” sermon? And you have single, childless (figures) readers giving standing ovations in the comments section lol. This destructive criticism….THAT is what’s wrong with our “community” (using that term very loosely) Sorry to burst that after school scare tactic-constructed bubble you apparently live in, but most children born out of wedlock WERE NOT planned OR “plotted”. No one is saying that you don’t have the right to be frustrated with the state of the average Black family, but citing “petty baby mommas” as the genesis of the issue causes you to lose credibility. SEXUAL IRRESPONSIBILITY is the culprit, and BOTH GENDERS are to blame. Your “anger” comes from the frustration of having to accept that there are some great guys out there that can’t/won’t make you priority numero uno from jump. Oh woe is you *rolls eyes*…DEAL WITH IT, instead of spewing garbage suggesting that “baby mommas” everywhere are conspiring against the love lives of eligible Black bachelorettes. Btw I’m a married man, to a woman that just recently bore OUR first child. This article is absolutely ridiculous.

    1. My last comment got moderated, so I’ll clean the language up:
      ARTICLE TRANSLATION: “IDGAF about HOW you became a SINGLE MOM! Don’t go chasin’ MY potential Man, just stick to the rivers and the DEADBEATS you’re used to!”
      SMH…

  18. I think that this is some bullshit. LOL… Not all of it, but most of it. Some women decide to have babies bc they want the baby, not the man. Yes, women can do things without men. Secondly, if you really cared about this dude, you could have asked to have a three way conversation via his babymama, you, & him. Nowadays, people are so quick to write you off because you are “too much.” Good luck on finding love because you damn sure need to learn a thing a two about it being unconditional.

  19. Good article Ahyiana! As I have gotten older, the determining factors of me dating a man has changed. At 35+ you will encounter men/women with (a) child/children, that’s a divorcee, etc. You have to determine what’s a deal-breaker for you. And if you are within this age range, what do you do, date younger? Then you may be dealing with maturity issues. In the grand scheme of things, it’s all about what you want for yourself and in a partner, and what you’re willing to deal with. Someone that’s “good on paper” and has everything you want on your checklist actually may not be really good for you at all. Consider your limits, your standards, your preferences….but also consider that you may be missing out on a blessing.

  20. To some degree, I agree with this article. As a woman in her thirties who has never been in a serious relationship, I understand the need to start with a clean slate. Furthermore, I have been told by male friends that I can’t expect a man to not have children at my age – which is ludicrous. A single man should not have kids – children are for marriage. If he does have children, there should be a very good reason behind it. For instance, he was married but the wife died and he was left with the children, the wife converted to atheism and he ran off with the children, etc. – something very serious along those lines.
    Nonetheless, I simply don’t buy the whole ‘women trying to trap a man with a baby’ idea… I’m sure that there are some women that try to do that, but just as a woman must use contraception, so should the man. Can the man really blame the woman for trapping him if he did not use a c-ndom? He knew there was a chance that she could become pregnant if he didn’t. Moreover, in the event that she did purposely brake the c-ndoms or something to trap him, she probably felt that she had a reason (although I do not condone at all)… Too many men use women for all of the s-x that they can have knowing full and well that they will not stay in the relationship long… if she did anything, she may have been trying to pay him back for using her for s-x when he knew that he would not marry her if she were the last woman on earth.
    Again, wrong is wrong… but both the man and the woman are likely the blame for the baby. I wouldn’t want to be involved with either one of them. This is the reason that I do not date men with children except in extreme circumstances and I do not date men that have just ended a relationship. The writer was dead on when she said that ‘women typically do not have children with men that they do not love’… I think most men know this, but they try to pretend that they don’t.

  21. bwahahahah! this is probably the funniest post I have read on here—children are never the problem, its the adults. And to be honest, the world doesn’t revolve around you and your white picket fence dreams that are all myths. So, if a man comes to you with a previous child don’t think of it as ‘messy’. It’s life. Get over it.

LEAVE YOUR COMMENT

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Shares
Share This