You may or may not have seen the above meme go viral.
It’s really nothing new. Every time I see “if marriage isn’t the goal of dating” my mind becomes conflicted. I’m conflicted because on paper, dating with the purpose of marriage is ideal. It’s exactly what many of us would like to do. At the same time, this meme isn’t realistic. I’ll spend the next couple hundred words telling you why.
We’re all cognizant of societal standards.
Whether they happen to be fair or not doesn’t really matter. They exist, and because of this we run into problems. Saying that marriage is the only goal you should have for dating someone could literally be ignorant. It’s ignorant of a few things. For instance, some people believe it or not do not want to get married. The reasons for which they feel this way are irrelevant. But if these folks don’t want to be married does that mean they have to be void of romance for the rest of their lives? I don’t think so.
It would also be remiss of me to not point out how some ladies view dating and sex and how that relates to relationships. There are many women who don’t feel comfortable having sex with someone without being in a relationship. For some ladies it’s a matter of wanting stability. Other ladies don’t like the stigma of being a fuck buddy. They’re more comfortable having a label with whomever they’re seeing. For the record, ain’t nothing wrong with being a fuck buddy, but the man you’re dealing with needs to still be respectable. There are many dysfunctional dating stories I heard about!
People seem to think twice when they see this meme.
They start thinking “oh man, what am I doing wrong?” Truth be told you’re probably doing nothing wrong. Do not be intimidated by this philosophy. We always have to put things in the proper perspective. There will be a time in all of our lives to date with the intention of marriage. That period will come at different times for all of us.
The whole purpose of this post is to explain that dating is about more than preparing for marriage.
Dating is basically like going to class and learning. Eventually you graduate and you enter the real world of marriage. That I’m pretty sure is a new learning experience in and of itself. But dating is there for you to learn how to do things the right way. Dating is there to explore curiosities. Dating is there to show you some things you don’t like. You have to learn how to deal with heartbreak. You have to learn how to work through problems. That’s what dating is primarily about; trial and error. Marriage is really for those who got dating right. It’s for those who are ready for the next challenge. So if you’re in a relationship right now and wedding bells aren’t visible…be cool. Marriage is simply for those who are ready for it, not for those who need some likes on the gram. What say you? Let’s chat.
These are my words and I make no apologies.
DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS
Well, the goal of dating is supposed to be marriage. I understand that there will be times when someone will realize that the person that he or she is dating is not compatible for marriage, but the dating is supposed to stop as soon as that is realized. Anything else opens the doors to game playing.
I have heard stories of men dragging women along under the pretense that they are dating for marriage when they are really just holding on to the woman for s-x until they can find someone better. Yes, there is something wrong with being a ‘you know what’ buddy.
In the end of the day, people will use people for s-x, men will mistreat women and play games, and people will date whomever they want. However, people, especially men, should at least be completely honest. Approach the woman and tell her “I like you only for s-x and we will never marry because I don’t do that. Can we go out?” If she agrees, then she accepts the consequences of that. Anything else is just being a player, and the time is up for that nonsense.
The only other alternative that I see for someone that needs ‘practice’ in dating would be to date with no s-xual contact. This would be strictly for social development, such as learning how to open doors, pay for dinner, dress for a date, etc. Nonetheless, both parties would have to agree that it is practice for when they find a spouse, thus, no kissing, s-x, etc. is to be expected. Anyone claiming that intimacy is part of such practice, is simply playing games. Otherwise, if you are in a relationship in which someone is pressing for intimacy but running from even the thought of marriage, you do have a problem and should probably end the relationship.
The meme is right, and I hope that it is making people have second thoughts and end relationships where someone is playing games. Kudos to the maker of this meme.
You have shared some very sound and valuable insights.
I agree that once two people know that they have no interest in marrying one another that they should end the dating, courtship or relationship.
In regards to ‘practice’, I truly believe that those are things that can be learned during the development of a friendship, with someone of the opposite sex. That is an excellent time to get to know someone, ‘practice’ for relationships and learn to develop a healthy and lasting connection with someone without the distraction of physical engagement.
Thank you so much for sharing your insights!
Thank you as well! You seem very wise!
Awww you’re far too kind. I give God all the credit for the things I’ve come to know. It wouldn’t be possible without the knowledge, understanding and wisdom that He’s provided me with.
Thank you again and God bless you!
“In the end of the day, people will use people for s-x, men will mistreat women and play games, and people will date whomever they want. However, people, especially men, should at least be completely honest. Approach the woman and tell her “I like you only for s-x and we will never marry because I don’t do that. Can we go out?” If she agrees, then she accepts the consequences of that. Anything else is just being a player, and the time is up for that nonsense.”
I’d just like to take a moment to thank you for your completely unbiased and balanced response.
I can’t help it that in the American culture, men start the relationship with women. Therefore, if the relationship starts in a dishonest manner, it is likely the man’s fault – unless a very bold woman indeed started the relationship.
Nine times out of ten, when a man approaches a woman to date her, he already has a role picked out for the game: “Am I going to pretend to be religious, a sports buff, trivia buff, musician, lawyer… What act will correspond to her beliefs so that I can have ‘you know what’?”
I have to disagree with you there…the man may start a relationship but he may not always be the one who brings dishonesty into it! Women can be just as bad sometimes!
Miss lady men arent the only ones who play games. Women do it too. Women use men for money and sex. But I do agree with you on men holding on to a woman for sex til someone better comes along. But think if a man honestly approach a woman an tell her he just interested in sex being completely honest 9 out 10 women he may get lucky just to get one.
Most women would say no to that agreement. Because what sensible woman wants to be a sex buddy? Women are not built like men are. He would have to approach several women till he found one agreeable to this.
Sexual privileges should go only to men who want to form romantic
relationships and get married, not to men who just want to play.
I can honestly say that there was a time that I didn’t think I had to be ready for marriage in order to enter into a relationship.
However, as I’ve learned more about God’s purpose and design for my life, relationships and marriage, as well as learned more about myself, I’ve come to realize that I should only enter into a relationship with the objective of getting married.
With that being said, I don’t believe that just because I’m prepared for marriage and that’s the primary objective, that I will ultimately marry that woman.
As we know, the one constant in life is change. There are things that can change about myself, her and life in general that could make the two of us marrying one another no longer the right decision. Once that is revealed, I do believe the relationship should come to an end.
There’s no doubt that everyone is entitled to make their own choices. The key is to ensure that the choices we are making are wise ones.
Life is too short and time is too valuable for us to waste, especially with the wrong person.
I don’t know…for me personally I think marriage is very serious and should only be entered into when both the man and the woman are ready.
If you are dating a man or woman and you feel that you are being strung along, get out of it! Marriage isn’t for everyone and I don’t really think it’s fair to blame a man for not marrying a woman after dating for years. The only reason why this situation persists is because both the man and woman let it.
Marriage is something that has to wait and is for those who have learned to be patient and compromising. I think another problem is a lot of women believe they should be married by a certain age or they WILL be judged by friends, family and even society. If it doesn’t happen they get bitter, discouraged, or just very eager to get married to the point where standards are lowered and they settle.
There is nothing wrong with having marriage as a goal in life, just know yourself first and respect yourself enough to know when your ready and who DESERVES to have you for the rest of your life!
Agree. Most level-headed thing I read all week. Part of why this meme can be polarizing is that men and women are given different messages about intimacy (that’s another post entirely). Having said that, long-term relationships and marriage are not morally superior or inferior to casual/f-buddy relationships. All that matters is that both people want the same thing. Dating is currently the only way we have to discover even if your’e on the same page in terms of wanting the same thing. If someone equates sex with love/commitment, then yes, they need this boundary.
All in all, I think most relationship memes for women are the equivalent of what billboard ads, music videos, and p#rn are for men. Entertaining, but not good sources of real-life advice. They tend to be extreme, all-or-nothing, risk avoidance strategies passing themselves off as common sense. Just enough truth in them to get nods, but they fall apart once you look at them closely.
Black women are taught in this country NEVER to expect marriage from black men.
Black women are typically not attracted to the men that would marry them
I’ve talked to Black men that indicated an interest even though I didn’t find them attractive, but it still came down to them suggesting that I sleep with them before they would even consider dinner.
This statement is not true. I was never taught this nor was all the black married people I know.
Sadly, I’ve been pretty much told this, not by my parents, but Black men. One actually said that if I ‘want to get married (I) should expect to have to sleep around first, otherwise, no man is going to marry a v—– these days’ 🙁
Well that Dude was a jerk looking for sex. If he can convince you to give up the goods to him then he’s made success. That’s what all men do.
You are so right about the roles that society assigns to men and women. I am truly sick of them! It is frustrating that I am expected to want to marry a man who is tall dark and handsome and want to settle down with him in a house and have 2 kids.
There have been times in my life that I have been asked out by men who were good looking, had a nice job and everything going for them, why wouldn’t I be interested right? Who cares if he’s a self-centeted jackass who only really cares about himself! It’s all about the image, about what society thinks I SHOULD like! Who cares if I actually prefer a man that may not be the best looking or tallest or richest but this man treats me like a QUEEN and respects and honors me as I do with him. Automatically I am judged because why would I refuse the man who looks good and has everything!
And what if I am a woman who would PREFER to pursue a career, prefer to live on my own, maybe even prefer to watch p*rn than be in a relationship with a man who may be stringing me along or may or may not want to marry me! What’s the problem with that? If I am happy and not hurting anyone there shouldn’t be a problem. But the sad reality is that if I am such a woman, either something is wrong with me (physically or mentally or both), I am a lesbian, or I am just a bitch who is obsessed with power and jealous cause I am lacking something between my legs.
Usually I would excuse myself for my aggressive tone but that would contradict the whole message I am trying to convey.
By the way, thanks for the topic Pops…it’s something that needs to be discussed!
Exactly! I’ve been asked out by the Black man that had a degree and a nice job and I was expected to accept, even if he didn’t want marriage or was mean and I was supposed to acknowledge that he had a degree on a constant basis while downplaying the fact that I have several degrees.
Furthermore, as a Black female classical musician with a regular day job, there are not a lot of Black men with interests that match mine, yet, I’m supposed to accept the Black hip-hop loving man’s date over the White classical musician’s proposal just because the first one is Black.
Why are there so many odd standards for Black women regarding dating?
“But the sad reality is that if I am such a woman, either something is wrong with me (physically or mentally or both), I am a lesbian, or I am just a bitch who is obsessed with power and jealous cause I am lacking something between my legs.
Usually I would excuse myself for my aggressive tone but that would contradict the whole message I am trying to convey.”
That’s the elephant in the room in these conversations. While the language in the meme is gender-neutral, these memes aren’t aimed at men in the same way. I am surprised that more women aren’t more angry about what you mentioned above.
Women should be upset and I think the mistake is that too often we keep quiet because it is not polite to raise hell and stand up for what we believe in! We may be seen as the typical angry black woman or just dismissed as being crazy. I myself was raised that way and have done it and still do today!
I’m tired of people seeing silence or having a polite demeanor as being weak or stupid (which is usually tied to being the fairer sex, naturally!!). Many times I am silent because I bite my tongue to avoid an argument and avoid cussing people. It is simpler but ulmitately does more harm than good as it allows the stereotype to continued unchallenged.
Exactly! Most of these memes imply that if a woman is married or in a dead end relationship, it is her fault – nevermind the fact that men start relationships and men propose. Some even suggest that the woman should put pressure on the man about marriage, but most men will lie and then leave rather than talking seriously about marriage. Also, although not everyone is ready for marriage, there is a point in life in which it is assumed that you are looking for marriage. For instance, if a 35 year old man asks a woman out, she is going to assume that he is looking for something long-term unless he states otherwise.
There are already memes that slander Men as it is. But feel free to have millions more smh
THank YOU! I was waiting for someone to write something that didn’t sound like it was out of the 1950s. I wanted to point out that there are many people who are in long term committed relationships that aren’t married Oprah and Stedman, Tina Turner and Erwin (though they got married after being together over 25 yrs), Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. I don’t think marriage should be the only means to measure whether two people are seriously committed. I also find it appalling how negatively men are cast in alot of these comments like men just running around saying anything to get in your pants and women are these virginal creatures that must keep them at bay. You can have screw a man, date him and still marry him it happens all the time.
I wish that I could ‘like’ this 1,000 times!!! 🙂
Amazing. Black men want black women to march, protest and boycott in the name of Mike Brown but expect us to STILL be satisfied and content with ONLY long-term “dating”, domestic abuse, no real relationships, keeping our legs spread on DMARS, no building wealth together and DEFINITELY DO NOT EXPECT MARRIAGE FROM THESE BLACK MEN.
Didn’t take long for SBM to start churning out this trifling bullshit on relationships and why black women should NEVER expect marriages.
I guess it’s back to the regularly scheduled program.
One question that I have: What’s wrong with wanting a title?
Even though I believe in waiting for marriage, generally, friends only hug while girlfriend/boyfriend have s-x. Therefore, when a man says “we’re just hanging out” but will never say if we are friends or in a relationship, I usually take that to mean that we are probably just “friends” but he is trying to confuse me into thinking otherwise by doing relationship activities. Men love to play the gray area as long as possible. Nonetheless, the gray area allows men, especially Black men, to still seek other women and if a woman were to question it, he can say “we were just friends” even though they’ve dated, had s-x, and everything else. Basically, a man avoiding a title is looking for a justified method to cheat or play the field. He also doesn’t want the woman to behave in line with the title: “if I’m a friend, then no touching”, etc.
” Black men want black women to march, protest and boycott in the name of Mike Brown but expect us to STILL be satisfied and content with ONLY long-term “dating”, domestic abuse, no real relationships, keeping our legs spread on DEMAND in case our sex game isn’t on point and we “lose” our man, no building wealth together and DEFINITELY DO NOT EXPECT MARRIAGE FROM THESE BLACK MEN.”
I didn’t get that black men don’t want or aren’t capable of marriage from this article. I got that everybody who wants marriage ain’t ready for it…and that intentional dating (towards marriage), while important for those who are ready, is not the one-size-fits-all solution for all single folk. But that’s just me.
I think she said that because a Black man wrote this and he is supposedly echoing the sentiments of the average Black man. Typically, it’s been my experience that Black men withhold titles more than in other cultures, where titles automatically occur on a natural basis.
You are EXACTLY correct!!!
I’m not so much talking about withholding titles. I’m really just saying that this meme paints with a broad brush. There are happy couples out there who don’t want to be married, there are women out there who won’t sleep with someone unless it’s their boyfriend/girlfriend. Nothing is wrong with any of these. I just wanted it to be noted that marriage isn’t the end goal for everyone, it’s the end goal for those who’d like to pursue marriage in their lives with a said person you know?
I agree with Furious; there is no “subliminal okie doke” is this post. This guy isn’t trying to brainwash women into staying in toxic relationships with emotionally unavailable men; he’s saying that if you still don’t hear wedding bells by date #14, you’re not wasting your time. It’s a learning experience, and yes, sometimes it requires you to be more than just friends. Of course, those men and woman that actually want to take it slow shouldn’t be confused with the “I don’t know what we are” folks
Thanks so much for clarifying, thanks SO MUCH!
This issue is divisive because women who are willing to have no strings attached sex are in position of power, while men who pursue no strings attached sex are in a position of weakness. (When I say position of power I just referring to that particular market and not the dating market as a whole)
Therefore, women who decide that they are ready for a relationship are truly ready because they are walking away from that position of power to a more level playing field to find that life partner. Whereas, men may be motivated to enter a relationship with no intention of finding that life partner just for the opportunity to be intimate with a woman of higher quality than the girls that are offering casual sex.
Incentives are the main determinant of human behavior, so men will continue to be in relationships that are leading to nowhere until women stop giving incentives to do so. There’s only two ways to do that. Either more women will have to entertain casual sex with multiple men to even out that market, or women can stop make the relationship before marriage less appealing by determining that sex will not occur until marriage. Outside of those two actions, I don’t see any other way to eliminate this issue.
If you want marriage, then don’t accept less than, only to later complain about it. If you allowed yourself to be in a dead end relationship that was your choice. Women love to whine about some guy stringing them along, blah, blah, blah… As a woman I knew when I was being strung along 90% of the time, because the words and actions did not add up. I know plenty women who whine about not seeing proof or excusing their own behavior as trusting while fully knowing in their gut the relationship wasn’t right…Ladies you stayed and accepted it, so you have no one to blame but you. Before, you attack me this was a lesson I too had to learn. Women tend to stay far past the expiration date only ruining themselves.
As for me, I don’t want a relationship! Been there and done that. Meanwhile, I would love a “-” buddy…..have one in mind. I don’t care about the judgment or bashing. I am direct, to the point and always honest. If you’re not mature enough to handle it then don’t partake, after all that was DamnPops message.
Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Never a problem…. some people can’t see past their own tired jacked up experiences. Misery loves company…. People, life is bigger than wallowing in it.
Unless a woman is 30+ and wants kids, marriage should not be the goal of dating; present happiness and compatibility should be. Aside from having crazy stories to tell and having a more realistic list of essential qualities in a mate, even though we only marry one person (or more), the six people we dated before him/her teach us a lot about ourselves, especially if the relationship was a struggle. We learn what we can put up with, what we can’t, why money matters, how spiteful/selfish we can be, and maybe we even discover our potential to murder someone (not serious). Staying past the point when one thinks the person he/she is dating is not compatible for marriage (trying to make it work before one calls it quits) can be difficult but eye-opening at the same time. Dating should end when all happiness has died and there is no way of getting it back. So yes, if you want to get married and you date someone you know is not compatible for marriage, you are basically setting yourself up for heartbreak, but growth follows all heartbreak and sometimes those experiences leave us with something even greater than the pain. Have fun and live!
Thank. You. So. Much. You. Wise. Soul
“We learn what we can put up with, what we can’t, why money matters, how spiteful/selfish we can be, and maybe we even discover our potential to murder someone (not serious).”
Nah you’re serious! LOL ****giggles**** all TRUTH though 🙂
Yea, I was serious lol. I actually read some old texts from my ex a couple weeks ago, thinking I shouldn’t be reading them because I’ll get sad but actually I was cdfu. I. WAS. RIDICULOUS. At one point he said “f– you” and I’m like (Jamaican patwa) “Yea man, f– you too. That’s all you want enuh”. And later he gets mad at me and I’m like ” so you want me to come visit you tonight? *kissy face* kissy face* Haha, who said people shouldn’t text in relationships 🙂 Pure comedy
I agree! I always say, accept each encounter as an experience. Within each experience there is a lesson to be learned in order to help you determine what qualities you best relate to. Whether good or bad there is a lesson to weed out good and bad potential mates. Stay away from all of the negativity. You’ll have good people who hurt your feelings because they didn’t like you to the same degree. However, that within itself doesn’t make him/her bad and it is absolutely a dumb a$$ reason to be mad at them.
I can’t speak on the plight of the Black Woman and dealing with men with no desire to meet their goals of getting married. But I will say that marriage is definitely not my goal with every woman I take out. Some people you just have fun with. You share a season. You leave. You get over it. My generation is tired of being told by “more mature” people that marriage is the way when we see that many of y’all have been married and divorced 3,4,5 times. No disrespect cause we all live and learn, but it’s so hypocritical to preach a lifestyle you can’t uphold. So we’ve said hey, let’s have fun. I don’t have to court you to take you to a movie we BOTH want to see. Mutual friendships, fwb, etc. are def getting more play as we’ve worked out the kinks. Can feelings evolve? Sure. Just like every great SUSTAINABLE relationship, the foundation has to be based in friendship and compatibility. I can’t find out if you’re my other whole after 5 shallow dates. So instead of adding the pressure of courtship, we decided let’s date first to see if I even LIKE you. Can I LIKE you first before I decide I want to MARRY you?
For those that agree, that idea is fine. However, men should be honest and if you decide that a woman has been demoted from potential mate to ‘for fun’, then tell her so that she can decide if that meets her standard.
There is a lot of talk about how men ‘don’t string women along’, but they do. I’ve met several and my friends have dealt with several. One example is a male friend of mine. We were friends first and we’d already talked about that I only date for marriage. He pretended that he only dated for marriage as well. He asked me out several times and finally I agreed. To make a long story short, he wasn’t looking for marriage; he was trying to manipulate me into being a ‘for fun’ girl. He did everything that a man in a relationship would do short of making out (I wouldn’t let him). Every time that I tried to bow out, he would dangle the marriage carrot: “where do you want to live when married”, “I want a woman like you”… Notice the evasiveness of the statements and how they are aimed to sound like marriage is being considered when it is really not. When I would not go along with the physical parts, he stopped talking to me. One day, he told me that he just spent the night with a woman who was already in a relationship and said she “was all over him”. When I asked why he would get with a woman who was already in a relationship, he replied: “I like for women to just want fun, not to think about marriage all of the time”.
He’s entitled to that thought, but that means that he entire basis for dealing with me was dishonest. The moral is, don’t lie or purposely mislead a woman; be clear and upfront in words and actions about your intentions as a man.
I mean communication is key, and if you’re any measure of a man you won’t have a problem being honest with her, especially if you care for that person. Now the whole “stringing along” thing, I can’t really agree with. You have dominion over your thoughts, your body. You understand the consequences of your actions. You wanna leave? Leave. Very simple. Men and women play games to get what they want. Immature women want marriage so they tease with physical contact. Immature men want sex so they tease with empty promises of commitment. It goes both ways. But neither are right and you have to question yourself if those are the men and women you are attracting.
I avoid physical contact and I make it clear that I only date for marriage at the start. For some reason, men still approach me and try to convince me that they want marriage when they don’t. Honestly, I have stopped participating in their games and I go ahead and get away as soon as the man even hints about not wanting marriage, even if he tries to ‘take it back’.
One of my co-workers, a very beautiful Black woman with a warm personality and graduate degrees has three children by a Black man with no degree. She’s trying to make it work by staying with him in a ‘no title’ relationship. They have been together for 15 years and whenever she wants to leave, all of a sudden, he wants to marry her… When she stays, he calls off the engagement. In a way, she’s kind of stuck for the children, but he constantly plays the game with her. I’m just tired of seeing good women get caught up in the marriage game.
I just wonder… 15 years and he can’t even acknowledge her as a ‘girlfriend’?
That is a real shame, very sad!!
Well that’s pretty much a common law marriage, but she had 3 kids with him… I mean she had THREE kids with him lol. She has her own choice to make. You make it seem like this dude is trash. She’s been with him for 15 years… Obviously he’s doing something right.
Question: what does a degree have to do with love or anything of the sort? I’ve noticed you mention your degrees in many of your comments. Hey congrats on those diplomas. As a black man I’m proud of you. But I could care less if you have a PhD… Doesn’t add to your initial attractiveness in the least bit. Matter of fact if that’s what comes up in our first conversation I’m sure that it would be our last conversation. I want to know about you and who you are; if your degrees are the highlight of your personality then… yeah we don’t have much to talk about.
LOL… I get the point. As far as degrees, I typically do not bring mine up on the first meeting unless I’m asked, but at the same time, I’ve heard that Black men are not interested in Black women unless they have degrees and I have been pushed to the side by men for not having enough of them after they asked. 🙁
As far as my preference, I tend to be more compatible with men that are generally well-read because I don’t study a lot of pop culture; it’s nice to have a man that can discuss psychological theories with me or teach me something about Shakespeare that I don’t know instead of just always talking about television shows.
By the way, I know this guy and he is nice, which actually adds to the reason that I don’t understand… LOL
“Dominion over thoughts”?… Under normal circumstances, you do have control of your thoughts. However, when someone is deliberately manipulating you, it’s been scientifically proven that you no longer have control. We have discussed similar circumstances in graduate psychology courses. It’s very possible for someone to use all of your weaknesses against you so that you no longer have control.
I had a man that found out that I was abused by someone to constantly use it against me to try to make me do things that I didn’t want to do: “I guess you deserved all of that abuse; if you don’t do this, I’m telling everyone you’re nothing but a weak, dumb girl… etc.”
That’s NOT a Man- that’s a Male that has No Inegrit or Decency, Respect or Common Sense.
Please don’t lump him with MEN, or even Boys, because Even Boys KNOW BETTER
That’s NOT a Man- that’s a Male that has No Inegrit or Decency, Respect or Common Sense.
Please don’t lump him with MEN, or eve Boys, because Even Boys KNOW BETTER
LOL… I guess you’re right and I must focus on not letting those types of experiences affect my overall view.
Please don’t. Not all men are like that and what that man said to you is unacceptable. But you said “constantly” which leads me to think he did it more than once. Why would he think it was okay to disrespect you like that? And why did your male friend brag to you about a new chick he slept with? Are you unconsciously giving off signs of vulnerability?
Don’t forget naivety. She enjoys the so called subliminal black man dig. She obviously has a love/hate ideal for black men. I think she wants some black d bad, and is mad that black men don’t take her seriously enough to marry her. Stop blaming others when it’s probably you.
I have no idea what ‘dig’ is. Nevertheless, most Black men don’t take anyone seriously enough for marriage, hence, the article. As far as the s-x comment, I believe in waiting so how can I want, from any race, what I’ve never had?
Completely ridiculous and rude!
Ms. The premise or function of this article wasn’t ti show that black men don’t take anyone serious enough to want to marry them. My goal was to show that people date for a variety of reasons. And that marriage isn’t always the goal. There are older couples who are happy not being married believe it or not. There are people who are divorced newly getting back into the dating scene and don’t want to think that far ahead. There’s many examples. I just wanted to highlight that it’s okay to date someone without marriage being the end all be all. The meme painted with too broad of a brush for me. And I knew it highlighted many people’s sentiments. I just wanted to add more perspective.
Lol @ soft spoken.
I am soft spoken, but you cannot hear my voice when I write…. It is rude & ridiculous to find every opportunity to belittle black men….hence, taking a dig. Your experience is yours, no one can take that from you. However when you have a handful of experiences and state it is across the board the same for all, that is the very essence of ridiculous. Someone with a PHD, should be able to understand her own actions. I knew you would read it, and in all honesty I meant no disrespect. I do feel you want some serious black D (black man…same thing) and the ones you want don’t want you back, which is the cause of your need to insult them.
Yeah. I don’t know MultiNatChick’s situation in detail, but getting played once, that’s the price of admission. Twice, it’s a bad break. Three times or more, it’s a pattern you have a part in. Just sayin.
I wholeheartedly agree. It’s time to seriously self reflect.
After this, you will be talking to the wind. I should have known that you can never have a pleasant conversation while exposing a deep issue in the Black community with those that want to keep coddling men and not allowing them to rise to a higher standard and belittling Black women that try to hold themselves and others to a higher standard.
The best way to achieve success is to just quietly succeed. I have much more useful things to do than to write to certain people that cannot see through smoke and mirrors.
Have fun writing to that wall… I’ll be finishing my dissertation and trying to cultivate my relationship with my loving non-Black man that takes me seriously and only dates for marriage. 😉
Yet you felt compelled to respond… wow!
Actually, I never participated long enough to get played, just long enough to ALMOST get played. As long as they didn’t get a kiss or anything worse, I don’t consider myself as having been played. I’m probably one of the only ones here that can say that I’ve never given into a game enough that it became physical.
Um, okay. They wanted something different, and you wanted something different. You identified that and moved on. To me, the tone of your posts hinted at some really bad outcomes. So out of curiosity, are you just p.o.’d that the black men you’ve dated tried to have s!x with you in spite of knowing your rules or that they fronted as if they were about that life? If so, you’ll be aight. Just keep on keepin’ on.
I never said that I HAVE a Ph.D., I said that I am working on one. Nevertheless, I never said that ALL Black men do anything, I simply said that a lot of them treat women badly and I speak for myself as well as family and friends. A person is only a product of their experiences, and giving an opinion is not being rude but specifically singling someone out to make comments about their s-x life is rude, and the original poster or writer of this article should not tolerate it. Furthermore, the experiences that I had were the result of Black men chasing me down – men that I had not even noticed until they opened their mouths to ask me out.
Generally speaking, I find men of all races attractive, so it really does not make a difference to me if a Black man selects me or not. It’s just nonsense that all of the same Black men that played games and other people that I know are quick to call me a sell-out when they see me taking offers from men of other races as well. I also mean no disrespect, but because I don’t listen to hip-hop, barely watch BET, and usually have my head in the books when everyone else is out at night doing the dirty tango, I really have little in common with most Black men – and I definitely cannot fall in love with someone that I can’t understand, so I honestly don’t expect to end up with a Black man in the end and although my family might be upset, I’ll be happy with my White or Asian man that shares my interests of poetry, classical music, fine arts, and eating healthily. 🙂
I think it’s because I’m rather soft-spoken so they think that they can just run over me 🙁
We’re in here…we’re supposed to be educated black people and we’re talking bout a meme. We’re talking about a meme! We’re talking about a meme right now.
We ain’t talking about a BOOK, not an ARTICLE, not a THESIS. We’re talking about a meme, man!
I mean, how silly is that?
I know I’m supposed to get married and I’m not shoving it aside…like it doesn’t mean anything. I know it’s important…I do…I honestly do… But, we’re talking bout a meme.
What are we talking about…a meme? We’re talking about a meme man. We ain’t talking about a BOOK. We’re talking about a meme right now…
Look, I hear you…it’s strange to me to..but we’re talking bout a meme. We’re not talking about a BOOK…that matters. We’re talking about a meme…
How the hell can I make my relationships better by a meme.
Best. Comment. Ever.
Shout out to young Ivo lol
This sounds like the saying “if you Aren’t Having Chex for Procreation, why are you Fornicating”??? It’s redundant .
Shoot, you could sell your cattle or have sea shell currency in exchange for a Wedding and there was Zero Dating then; there are Arranged Marriges going on still in 2014!!! It’s a Dumb Meme to me Personally
In my opinion you have to choose your words wisely, some people have different meanings to what dating and relationships are. To me dating is two people getting to learn one another. I know of someone who thinks dating is boyfriend/girlfriend. Relationship to me is boyfriend/girlfriend, therefore while I’m dating anyone, marriage is not my goal. My goal is to learn you and see if you are that someone that I can possibly get into a relationship with one day and learning how you really feel about marriage. If you and I are not on the same page while dating, the relationship will never happen.
At the end of the day communication between both parties needs to happen. I wish women would speak up more and if a titled relationship and marriage is what you want then say that. We women spend a lot of time showing some men what great women we are on some men who were honest and up front with us stating that a relationship is not what they wanted.
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Here’s my two cents worth…
After about two years of dating, a man knows
exactly whether he wants to take the relationship to the level of
marriage. After about two years and the idea of marriage is not on the
table, he’s looking to “better deal” you. Let me explain. You probably
have a lot of qualities that he likes. He’s comfortable with you and in
the present state, in his mind, things are great, just like they are. He
will not upset the “apple cart” by bringing up the subject of marriage;
but you will. No matter what you think of yourself, and although he
likes you, you are not quite what he wants. He has all the benefits married men are entitled to but because he’s not married, he can “saddle up” any time he pleases. He’s keeping his options
open for a “better deal.”
The two of you will exist in the current relationship until you realize that he has no intention of marrying you. Although you may have sneaking suspicions, you will hesitate to bring up the issue. When you bring it up he will convince you that things are fine as they are. You will rationalize that it’s better to have him this way than not at all. Right?…… WRONG ! If you issue an ultimatum, you will get an answer…it just may not be the answer you wanted. So to avoid hearing something that you don’t want to hear, you stop asking.
Moving forward, you “date” this guy for 15 years (you met him at 25), by the time you figure out that the relationship has hit a permanent snag, you are now 40. You have basically let a man who never intended to marry you, consume some of the best years of your life. Assuming he’s now 40 also, he will have options that are really not available to you. You are aging and he is becoming distinguished. That’s right…a 40-50 year old brother, who has a good career, no legal problems, and didn’t create babies in all 50 states, is considered distinguished.
At this point, the brother I described is considered to be “a catch” and he knows it. He can easily date someone 10-12 hear his junior. On the other hand, a 40-50 year old black women, regardless of accomplishment, is considered to be OLD. If she began dating someone 10-12 her junior, she’s is considered to be a desperate cougar/jaguar, willing to pay for the attention of young men, cause GOD knows, if it wasn’t for the money, who is looking to date a 40-50 year old black women?
So…you will loose your mind when you finally issue an ultimatum and you discover what you should have discovered years ago; he likes you but not enough to marry. To really take the cake, one month after you break up, you hear through the grapevine this brother married a chick within two weeks of meeting her. Why…because she’s what he wanted.
Life is too short to spend decades with someone who can’t or won’t commit to you.
hey hey……stay out of my playbook!!!!!
Oh, but but see, that’s where you are wrong. It’s not your playbook. That game is as old as the hills…men have led women on for as long as the world is old. My point is like Johnny Taylor said, “Have you ever been in love with someone that don’t love you…well that’s a damn shame!”
Most of the time men play this game but the game ain’t just for men… some women have been known to pull this crap too.
People lie everyday or are less than honest to get what they want. You know damn well if the person you are with is marriage-minded. If you disclosed your true intentions, it may take a while, but in most cases that relationship could not remain as it had previously existed. So to maintain the status quo, you ride that train until you are forced to get off. Sometimes we have to get old to realize how we have hurt other people or have someone close to us get hurt to really understand the emotions tied to the feelings of other people.
I am a true believe in karma. You can play games with people’s feelings, but if you are human, you have feeling too. So imagine, when you run through as many women as will allow you to do so, you find what you think is the perfect woman. After all the games you have played, she is “Miss Right.” Now that YOUR emotions are tied up with this women, imagine her looking to “better deal” you!
It was a game before, you didn’t care how other people felt, but when it’s your turn to hurt, maybe you’ll see it differently.
whoa…that was a whole lot of… a lot.
I guess this is the “no joke zone”. I shoulda known better.
Futhermore this piece isn’t about stringing someone along. My real goal was just to higlight other reasons why people date. We know people get strung along. People get strung along with people they’re not even committed to lol. The meme was just too generic for my liking is all. Like there are couples out there who don’t want to be married, they count too.
Apparently ma##*age is a trigger word in here…It causes folks to read things other than what you wrote.
Sorry High Five…I didn’t mean to ruin your most excellent attempt at humor and yes, you are correct, it was a whole lot of…a lot!
this was so true it hurt! I love it! Women, don’t stay in a place and not know the outcome. Hopefully ladies will learn this before it’s too late
So, I agree and disagree at the same time. I am one who firmly believes in dating to lead to marriage. I just personally believe in a commitment that includes a lifetime covenant between you, your partner and God. Knowing that this belief does not apply to all people, I will say this: I believe in a dating life where both people have a common purpose and a common goal. So if you are just looking to have casual sex, find a partner but don’t marry, have children and build a family or get married…then the both of you should be on the same page from the jump about what it is and where it is going. That way, no one is led on and there are no surprises down the line. (PS: Good read as usual).
I often wondered if people who said they were only bed partners or that they only wanted to be bed partners really wanted a relationship, but settled for the modified commitment of sex.
People who do not want to get married do not have to be void of romance; but many of them are void of integrity. If the person they’re interested in wants to get married, they will say and do all the right things to get a person who wants to be married to spend time with them.
Experts advise talking to find out values and such, but if you are talking to a person who is a professional at doing pat answers and smooth moves, the only way to tell is by spending time until something happens or until something is said to reveal the true nature of the person.
Men in this day and age are still very comfortable about lying to get what they want from a woman. They lie, get the sex and then dump the woman. She was lead to believe he wanted a relationship but in the end, she realizes too late that she was lied to. Men have got to start being honest about what they want. No woman likes to be used for sex.