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Still Single? Blame Your Friends.

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Let’s think about it. We all have some friends and while we love them dearly we know that they’re kind of messed up. The secret is we’re not telling them. We don’t want to hurt their feelings because we love them. What happens next is that our friends keep going through life in and out of relationships, some good and some bad, and nothing seems to stick. Or the relationships that do stick are completely dysfunctional and you are certain they’re only in it because they’re afraid to be single.

Why don’t you just tell them what their flaws are? Why not just tell your friends the honest reasons why they can’t keep a relationship? Are we all just going to act like it’s their problem and not ours? Even despite the fact that each time they experience problems in their love life they run to us?

I guess what spawned this thought process was that I have friends both male and female who are struggling to find love and companionship. I get in a lot of trouble for saying this because it’s a morbid thought but some of them are running out of time. Running out of time doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re getting too old to find someone. It could very well mean that you’ve exhausted all your options and your reputation is so shot that there’s little to no chance anyone is willing to take a chance on you.

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We all have these friends too. If you don’t have a friend like this then you are that friend. I have a friend who is bat shit crazy and I should probably tell her that but you know what I do? I tell her that she just hasn’t met the right guy for her yet and send her back out there on the streets looking for love. I have a friend who is a stage 5 creepazoid and I should probably tell him to stop stalking the women he dates but you know what I do? I tell him that women say they want to spend time with the person they dating but then don’t actually want to see him. They both keep on doing the same things over and over again.

I guess what I’m saying is that we’re not helping anyone out by being bad friends. I guess what I’m also saying is that if you’re single and wondering why (something I think that people should spend less time worrying and wondering about in the first place) then it’s probably a good idea to blame your friends.

I can’t count the times that I have been asked by a friend, “How come you didn’t tell me I was acting that way?” and the only response that I have for them is “I figured you had to see it for yourself.” Or I count the times that I finally could see what I was doing wrong and the changes I needed to make and wondered why the people closest to me didn’t point out these blatant flaws.

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Friends, even the best of them, let you live your life. They love you for you. That love prevents them from wanting to hurt your feelings or go through any pain. That’s why we have to take upon ourselves to remind our friends that if they’re really our best of friends they won’t let us fall victim to flaws that we can control. Our friends will be married with families of their own and we’ll still be kicking around rocks in this dating world that’s going to hell. I think it’s time for us to make a few phone calls to those beloved friends.

Comment(15)

  1. I have to agree on this one. I have spoken to a friend or two on things I was seeing with them in the love dept hell in their life and we haven’t spoken since. I think we fear hurting feelings but we also fear losing friends.

  2. I co-sign this one, too. I was that friend during my early college years and I had to see for MYSELF how crazy and foolish and stupid my behavior was before I could change. I also realized venting to friends about a dating situation really doesn’t help in the long run.

    At the end of the day it’s a balance you have to find with each friend. How much do you value the friendship? Will being honest with this person damage the friendship (b/c they can’t handle it)? Are other people telling them the same things?

  3. I totally agree with this. But there’s also that true saying that you become like the company you keep; I was dating this guy for a year and we were fine except for when he got around certain friends he’d start disrespecting me. Last straw was yesturday, I ended it. Just found this blog. ..loving it.

  4. Ultimately, you have some people who just do not see themselves. Period. Everything happens TO them and they have no responsibility in the wreck. So yeah, I kinda get this and that we should be honest with our friends. However, you’re still responsible for your actions and situations you create, not your friends, but YOU. Still, if you are in the company of folks who constantly co-sign your bullshit…I can see how that would be a problem for you. LOL

  5. I agree with one of the realest posts in a while. I’ll be honest. There’s a couple of homies I can’t hang around with, because they’re not going in the direction that I am going personally. Still love them, not afraid to lose them, but I understand my own personal RESPONSIBILITY of being aware of the man that I am and want to be.

    I disagree with blaming your friends, though. It’s not their responsibility. It’s yours, so we need to always take responsibility for our own choices and decisions.

  6. I have no problem asking my friends what are my issues, because I still want to be the best I can be. But there are two parts of these, what type of friends do you have? Some of us have hater friends or misguided friends who will probably lead you down the wrong path. Two know what to take and what not to take. Not all advice will be good for you to take, some is meant for you to hear and figure out how to improve ourselves. If you have good friends they do not want you to be alone and crazy, they want you to be happy too!

  7. It is true that most people spend more time metaphorically looking out of the window than in the mirror. As a, male, I can say what needs to be said pretty much unfiltered with the fellows because most our masculine constructs from an early age (Pop Warner football, boy scouts, other Darwinian competitions) conditions us to emotionally manage criticism; but I had to learn to tread carefully with my female friends who tend to be more sensitized to criticism.

    When I was younger, I was unempathetic to feminine sensibilities to unflattering critiques until l had a daughter myself whom I loved more than life itself; which of course, taught me to take care with my words and tenor because she was hyper-sensitive to my every utterance and facial expression.

    Nonetheless, because of my fiduciary responsibility to prepare her for the future, and knowing that l would have been derelict had I left the truth unattended to, I eventually discovered through trial and error that the trick was in the narrative. The narrative could be real or fictitious as long as it had elements of the truth that needed to be imparted embedded in it. That way, parts of of it could be sanitized or soften, or calibrated according to the person’s tolerance levels. I simply wash, rinse and reuse this methodology when needed.

    1. It can also be the other way around. Where you are meeting men that are really into you and family and friends interfere to ruin things for you out of jealousy. I have learned if i want things to work out for me this time. I need to develop a solid foundation with a new relationship than bring the person around. It is either my sons won’t like him or my family or friends get negative. No one is ever good enough.in their eyes, or are they jealous of the men i date. Or is it they like controlling my life because they are bored with theirs

      1. Yes, there are a plethora of potentially intervening possibilities and scenarios that can come from both family and friends; but maybe I’m just different, in that I have never given anyone a proxy voice or vote in my personal affairs; Including my mother. I have never understood why someone else’s approval or validation external to me and shorty was necessary. .

        I have always trusted my ability to perform my own due diligence along with my ability to judge character, so it never made sense to solicit someone else’s opinion. I understood the emotional motivation for why my daughter tried to run interference in my romantic life (she was secretly hoping her mother and I would reconcile), but I told her that though I loved her with every fiber of my being, she got no vote in the matter.

        And conversely, I never opine, even when asked, on what I think of someone else’s choice because we all must individually negotiate our respective happiness, and I never presume to know the specific formula or ingredients to anyone’s but my own. I love rendering service to others, but I never stray away from the fact that my happiness matters too.

        1. I agree with everything you have written back to me. I come from a large dysfunctional family where is always one that the beat into the ground by the others. Even though i have been there monkey in the on going circus of dysfunction. It has taken a toll on me emotionally. I have allowed others to do the same thing to me. I am now 59 years young and i’ve jumped off the merry go round and love my family from a distance now. Thank God for faith and perseverance i sometimes do not know how i kept going there are 8 other siblings. The ones with the drug addictions, alcoholism sex addition etc etc etc were the ones beating me down and than asking for my help. There is no rhyme or reason is was about controlling nothing more. I pray for people with addictions i am so blessed that is not me. But i takes reprogramming lots of it. This year i am going to hang with healthy supportive people that are secure with in them selves. The only person i can change is myself. Sometime we look for thing we will never get love, and respect from families because they are sick….I can break the cycle if i continue to stay away

        2. I was married for 25 years and divorced for 10 now. I have met men that fell head over heals in love with me. But as i said before family friends always put the negative spin on things. I know the reasons and this year will change that. I am in the drivers seat of my life
          now took long enough. We all seek love for family and feel its needed in our life. But as i said loving people from a distance is whats best for me. Positive energy will bring positive people into my path

        3. I am pulling for you and you can do it! Separate and divest yourself from all that conspires against your happy so that you are not susceptible to suggestion, negative or otherwise. Construct selfishly a paradigm that services only the needs of yourself and that of your prospective gentlemen companion; and relegate everyone else to an outer concentric layer with you two isolated from all the negative radioactive energy, safely ensconced in the nucleus. I get it that we are all creatures of habit, but stay the course and wage this battle on behalf of Susan Klinger….she’s counting on you!

          Buona fortuna!

          :-))

        4. What is evident from my psychologically vantage point is that you are a absolute “Meraviglia” (wonderment) because you have waged a long, exhausting battle against dark forces there were aligned against you and your happiness, and yet, here you stand! Your spirit is a bit tattered and torn, but it refuses to lie down and surrender. Bravissimo!

          Yes, dysfunction, and even evil conceals itself behind many disguises – “it wears the mask that grins and lies.” And it is also true that those that are closes to us (family) has the greatest power to injure us because it is only natural to expect most from them and when they are derelict to this end, it resonates most powerfully with us causing us to question our own value.

          What is great about your post is that you have clearly diagnosed the genesis of their issues. And it is their respective dysfunctions that precipitates their treatment of you. Sick and negative people are by default, parasitic and will always seek to attach themselves to a host body in order to spread their contagion; which is why they constantly run interference with any prospective happiness you may find because you are a nutritional source for their misery in which they do not wish to part ways with.

          You must remember that the first law of nature is SELF PRESERVATION. In within this law lies a mandate for each of us to seek out and ensure our personal happiness because we are each designed by nature with a specific purpose and task in mind; and since nothing….I mean….. absolutely nothing in nature is wasted, you are spiritually duty bound to cast off their pathogenic residue and self-preserve. And when you know and find personal happiness, your “raison d’etre ” (your reason for being) shall burn bright and clear with intense flame revealing the pathway to your purpose.

          One of my favorite axioms is very much applicable in your case: “Sometimes, it is necessary to perform addition by first performing subtracting.” You are a fighter!

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