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Who Decides What “Making Love” Is?



It’s Monday night, and we are in the midst of a big time snow day here in the northeast.

That’s right, if you reside in a city in this vicinity then your city will be cuff city for a couple days. What better time to have a little fun with this topic. F****** vs Making Love was the original title of this post. I thought it was just a “likkle” crass. I decided to be a gentleman and go this route instead. Check out the video above taken from Eddie Murphy “Raw.”

We all have these different ideas of sex and sexuality.

Some people, maybe even some of you all  may think that there are fundamental differences that come with just straight sex and making love. I have often said (to those that know me) that the only difference to me for the most part are only the feelings involved. Granted if you’re really into someone then everything you do with them feels that much better. I just seem to think that when we get down to brass tacks we’re talking about almost the same thing.

There are certain acts and behaviors synonymous with making love just as there are with straight sex. Check out the following, and feel free to add some of your own in the comments.

Making Love

Caressing – Caressing is seen as a pretty intimate thing. There’s this feeling of attentiveness that comes with caressing. It’s the feeling of almost “you care.” That doesn’t hurt with someone you have real feelings for.

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Eye Contact – Eye contact is another form of intimacy whether it be  in the bed or just cooling on the couch. This is another catalyst to building strong chemistry.

Sweet Nothings – Saying cutesy stuff to your interest is something that I suppose would come with love making. It’s something most people would see as a sensual thing you do with someone you find special.

Slow Strokes – This seems to be a big deal when referencing love making. Apparently faster paced rhythms aren’t as synonymous with love making. Slow strokes seem to build that intensity and again speak to taking your time and being attentive.

Music Playing – Music can certainly add to those special moments. A person who is looking to make love probably plays smooth tunes to keep the mood afloat through the night maybe in between rounds. The music is a conduit for conversation as well. Those moments  help build the intimacy further.

Straight Sexing

No Music – Usually in casual sexual encounters  some would say music isn’t played. Music may not be necessary for some. Some might feel that if there is music the actual act would be taken a bit more seriously than one might want it to be.

More Aggressive Strokes – I think a huge difference many people think sex and making love have is the actual pace of the act. Making love is seen as slow and sensual. whereas f****** is seen as fast paced goodness that would leave someone panting needing a fresh wash and set.

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Ass Slapping & Hair Pulling – To piggyback on the theme of aggression; smacking ass and pulling hair is seen as just stuff you do in straight sexing. It’s probably seen as a low key form of a fantasy. Some might see it as acting out some things you might’ve seen in a “movie” once.

Louder Dialogue – Or talking shit for lack of better terms. Casual sexing seems to lend itself more to crazy dialogue. At least I think that’s what a general idea may be. It might be just another way people try to differentiate these two different versions of sexual acts.

I can’t for the life of me understand why we must marginalize everything.

We all like different things. If we are to divide these different acts then that means that people would be giving up some things they enjoy for the sake of it. If a woman loves her hair pulled then why can’t she get her hair pulled by the man she loves? If a woman wants to be aggressively handled then why must she need to think about if she’s making love or not? To me, if you’re doing what you want to do then who the hell cares?

If you are doing things with someone that you want to do, and you love them then I say call it making love. No one should have to limit the things they enjoy because it isn’t seen a certain way. There are obviously more explicit examples I could use; examples of what women love to do to men and vice versa. But I write to an uber intelligent audience so I know you can do the math. The bottom line is, if you dig something, don’t stop doing it for any reason. You enjoy that with whomever you want to. It’s you and only you who decides what making love is. Quite frankly it’s no one’s business but your own. Have fun y’all and be safe. Do you think there is more than an emotional difference between having sex and making love? What else do you think is the difference? How were my lists and what would you add?

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These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS


  1. There is certainly an emotional difference between having sex and *ucking.
    I don’t understand women who call themselves “making love” to a man they just met last month. That’s not love, it’s lict & your *ucking.
    However, let’s remember that women are emotional beings and their feelings get caught up quickly, so some may believe that they are in love.
    I think that people use the term, “making love” because it clearly sounds better than *ucking but if you aren’t IN love, how can you MAKE love?

  2. “Making love” is having sex, but the dichotomy between “making love” and “*ucking” should be thrown out, because its really only useful if one is talking to said partner in the bedroom (“make love to me”, “*uck me). They both just mean you had chex, and chex takes many forms; it’s more nuanced than your list portrays (although we all tend to separate them so). He can be aggressive one round or one song and gentle the next, caress one minute and then smack your butt the next, and even fwbs can caress each other depending on the terms they set. Some porn stars make love very well according to your list. I think sex is sex, and the dichotomy just helps people justify casual sex as if it has no emotional consequences. Not bashing casual sex but it does have emotional side effects.

    1. But if I was sticking with the making love vs *ucking framework, I would not limit *ucking activities. What a sad sex life that would be 🙁

      1. Well the lists aren’t how I view it necessarily but more so how the general public view each description once you mention sex or making love. I agree with you that excluding anything from the other can make things boring at the end of the day. I was just trying to make that connection in the piece. Thanks for reading!

  3. I’m only one way…i’m passionate, I’m attentive and whether you’re my girl or a neighbor in the moment i can’t separate the two. After the act well, that’s a different story.

    1. Tristan you are dangerous. You probably have stalkers… LOL! You better learn to differentiate or refrain because I can see just how messy that can get.


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