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Do Men Need To Show More Affection?


Men and affection will always be a topic of conversation.

The relationship between how we show affection and our age group plus societal influences will always have it’s relevance. Recently I read a tweet from a young lady I follow on Twitter. I consider her to be a pretty sharp girl and I value her thoughts. In so many words she exclaimed that she was tired of guys not being more affectionate. It seemed as if she wanted to say that she wanted more men to drop the macho persona. She made it clear that she along with other women desire to have their hand held and to be called beautiful.

After reading this I began to examine myself. Who was I as a seventeen year old or a twenty-one year old? Who am I now at twenty-six? I know that over the years I date differently. How I express myself with women is night and day between then and now. So this whole statement started making me think about why a man in my age group would not be as affectionate as a woman would like them to be. Frankly, there are a few reasons as to why this may happen.

Different women like different things.

Allow me to give you an example. There’s a young lady I went on a date with a couple of years ago and we had a good time.  We no longer date now but we still touch base. She recently told me that she was upset that I didn’t bring her flowers on our first date. I had to explain to her that it wasn’t until recently that I began meeting women who actually liked flowers. So back then it just wasn’t something I checked for as much. Maybe I didn’t want to go too overboard on the first date. Sounds silly because it’s a very sweet gesture. To me, I didn’t want to run the risk of getting them and having her not really be into them.

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As it pertains to showing affection, it could be similar. Some women don’t want to see too much affection in public. So when a man meets a woman who does appreciate it there has to be an adjustment made. Some guys may not be comfortable making that adjustment quickly. Another issue that can arise is that some men simply don’t know how to be affectionate. I’m not saying that women should tolerate that either. Feel free to dipset if you  want to feel a certain way with someone. How we’re raised and what we see growing up shapes a lot of how we interact with each other.

That leads me to another comment that the young lady I follow made. She said that she knew all men weren’t like this but too many seem to jokingly be not funny. In other words they show you they dig you by somewhat acting like an ass. She basically thought that more men should cut the malarkey and be themselves. Be  more sensitive to a woman’s needs. she thought men should be more honest about their feelings and it didn’t hurt to share them even if it was still common knowledge. Women still want to feel coveted as a relationship goes on. They want to be reminded that she turns your pages. They want you to hold her hand while you walk to Urban Outfitters etc. I get her sentiment. It’s a sense of pride in public, it might make her feel closer to you and vice versa.

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As I’ve gotten older I’m certainly more affectionate than I was  as an undergrad.

My good friend Shanel seems to think that men are affectionate in high school years and less affectionate during college years. Magically after college she thought guys finally throw the rulebook out and are more affectionate again. I tend to agree with her. I relate to some parts of that. Lately if I’m really digging someone, the hand holding and all that good stuff comes without asking. At the same token guys may have experienced doing all of those things and still not end up happy in the end. We’re very results driven as men. So a man will operate throughout life in the ways that has brought him success. It’s why many men think nice guys finish last. They find themselves being very nice and not getting the result they want in return. Then they might be nice but they put some stank on it and then they get the result they were looking for. So the lack of affection  could be from them not connecting it with “success” in the past.

You don’t have to be overly affectionate fellas.

But if you have a special woman in your life just do things to remind her that you’re into her. Don’t argue that you buy this and that. Sometimes she might just want her favorite flavor of Talenti. Maybe she needs to be tickled after work. Your woman might want you to watch “Bring It!” with her on lifetime. You owe it to yourself to be cognizant of what really makes your lady feel happy. Cater to those things. If it is as simple as holding hands headed to brunch then just hold her hand.  This goes out to the guys who need to hear it. Obviously some of us could show a little more affection. Get comfortable with the idea that things may not have gone how you wanted in the past. But at the end of the day the past is still only just that. Leave your comfort zone. Feel the joy of genuinely making someone else feel good for their sake. Ladies, what are your experiences with affection with men? Has it changed with age? Guys, are you comfortable being affectionate with women? Why or why not? Let’s rap about it.

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These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS


  1. For the first time, I am dating a man older than me. He said he was romantic and very affectionate. I’ve yet to see any of this. I have to ask him to hold my hand, hug me, and kiss me. The men I’ve dated in the past would be 5 -10 years younger and there was never a shortage of affection. Affection is a big factor for me. It makes me feel cared for and loved and without it – we might as well be homies.

    1. Would you be open to him expressing why he doesn’t share all the affectionate traits he claims to have had? I mean truly open to hearing constructive criticism… If this guy was really affectionate in his past, then you are the only element that is different. My intentions aren’t to be mean but cause you to self-reflect. The alternative is he lied.

  2. I’m very comfortable being very affectionate (corny and goofy like), but its not really appreciated so I keep that aspect of my personality under wraps.

    1. I stay true to me, and weed out those that I don’t or those that I refuse to relate with. Stay true to you and never pretend for anyone. I’m unexpectedly goofy, silly, witty, and love to laugh. I try to understand people individually…so I really pay close attention to details. It makes it easier to weed out the insignificant’s.

  3. Eh, lol. Is it just me…or is it totally unrealistic to expect a bunch of affection and extras from someone who isn’t even sure exactly what you ultimately will become in his life??? If it’s very early on, I just expect respect and a pointed effort to have a nice time. If we’re progressing, vibing well, and really getting closer…looking like we might actually be on to something, then I can understand affection and extras. The deeper you get, the deeper the interactions should become. But, early in the game…if I were a guy, I’d hold off on all that, LOL.

    I’m not built to be affectionate with folks I don’t really know like that and have zero feelings for. Now, if y’all are months in, dating regularly, and you’re getting no affection or extras, you probably should just let him know that you like affection/being affectionate and would like him to do a bit more to show you how he’s feeling about you. If he does it, cool. If not, you may need to bounce…cause if you’re unhappy and not getting what you need, why by there? *shrugs*

  4. “…some men simply don’t know how to be affectionate”

    I’m not sure that this is true. Affection is inherent in any normal human. What I am sure of is that some men don’t know how to be a woman’s flavor of affectionate. Men other than Keith Sweat don’t gravitate to the word “affection” so women take ownership of “affection” and teach the rules to it.

    I blame myself and other men for that. We men have done a horrible job training a woman’s receptors for what a man’s affection looks like. This results in both sexes being expected to show and receive affection in the same form. When anyone, man or woman fails at this, misunderstandings abide.

  5. Affection is a funny thing depending on who you are dealing with. I have had experiences where men have not learned to be affectionate with their mothers and therefore do not know how to be affectionate with other women. Then there are people who do things thinking it is affectionate because that’s how affection was received or sufficient to be called affectionate by someone else they dealt with. The solution to almost all of these kinds of issues is communication. Me personally my affection is on reservation when I am not sure exactly where I stand with a guy I do not want to put myself out there too much when signals are not clear. My actions are dependent on his to an extent.

  6. Although it wasn’t stated, I get the impression that affection is sought after from a mate, to whom a relationship is established. With that being said, I feel people leave too many words left unsaid. Learn to express yourself, EFFECTIVELY. I find many people are far too selfish and uninterested in relating to one another, yet want their mate to totally understand them. I feel this is true for both sex.
    I say express yourself and don’t be afraid to go for what you want, while considering and respecting your mate. I do agree with the desires of the ladies written about, but feel any man who feels you’re worth it will graciously attend to your needs. If I want to be close, I’ve gotten close, even if it meant sitting in his lap just to talk. Actions have to be appropriate for the occasion. However, I prefer a level of deeper intimacy above random or repetitive sometimes habitual affectionate moves.

    I am a female and I shy away from too much affection too soon. That completely changes if I’m in love.

    1. Maybe I should’ve added that my response was mainly regarding the young lady who was mad she didn’t get flowers on the first date, LOL.

      1. I understand completely. There are individuals with unrealistically high expectations that I agree with you on.

  7. Gray you hit the nail on the head. We must be able and willing to relate to people and gain understanding of how their life experiences shapes who and how they are. When we effectively do this, we can better gauge how affection and intimacy are to be displayed.

  8. Affection is simply the art of “emotional” communication; hence, when expressed, it should come from a place of authenticity and not just as a ritual courtesy of dating, Most of human communication is non-verbal and demonstrable affections (in the early dating stages) will naturally occur when both are communicating on the same emotional frequency.

    This “affection” of course, is emotionally distinct from my protective gesture of guiding her with my hands in the small of her back, away from the street, so that she is walking on the inside as we are on foot. Also, some people are naturally austere in their emotional and romantic communication, so, until such times that a certain threshold has been crossed; not wanting to be intrusive upon her space or be guilty of faux communicating what I feel, I confine my affectionate gestures to mostly the eyes and my smiles.


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