I’ve been thinking about Us, the story of us. How the fuck do I sum it up? Has it been perfect? Hardly. Any story with me at the center of it will never be anything less than a big smiling mess. But here’s what I know for sure—our time in the sun has been a thing of absolute fucking beauty. The nightmares, the hangovers, the fucking and the punching. The gorgeous shimmering insanity of the city of ours. Where for years I woke up, fucked up, said I was sorry, passed out and did it all over again.
As a writer, I’m a sucker for happy endings. The guy gets the girl, she saves him from himself, fade to fucking black. As a guy who loves a girl, I realize there’s no such thing. There’s no sunset. There’s just now, and there’s just the two of us, which can be scary fucking ugly sometimes. But if you close your eyes and listen for the whisper of your heart—if you simply keep trying and never ever give up, no matter how many times you get it wrong, until the beginning and the end blur into something called until we meet again — and that’s it.
I didn’t know how to finish it, because it’s not over. It’ll never be over, as longs as there’s you, and there’s me, and there’s hope, and grace.”
That’s a quote from one of my favorite TV characters, Hank Moody.
Stories we were told as children seem to teach us that in the end everything will have a happy ending but as we live our lives we soon find out that isn’t the case. We will love, we will hate, we will experience enjoyment and then we will experience disappointment. Many of us will always search for something we can never find; the decision to acknowledge that everything you desire resides in you is a hard decision to accept. We force decisions, we force situations, and we end up disappointed because we have forced others into a situation that benefits us.
We will always have an eagerness to know. We hate uncertainty. We’re always looking for ways to categorize everything in our lives: people, places, things, events, situations and circumstance. We’re looking for ways to protect our feelings and our emotions. We’re searching for a way to circumvent life which is inevitable. Life wasn’t made to be an absolutely happy experience. Life is beautiful but it doesn’t mean that each node along the way you will enjoy.
Let’s get right down to it, I don’t believe in happy endings. I hate closing chapters. I hate closing doors because I never know when the right time to put the pen down is. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m immature but I just can’t do it. I never say, “never” and I mean it. I don’t think all of us actually believe that to be true. Many of us think that you have to master delete the people from your past; I differ I don’t delete anything because I think the story isn’t over. There’s only one story that ends and that’s life. For all intents and purposes what you should take away is that I don’t believe in endings. I believe that life is an ongoing experience that has much in store for all of us.
Let’s be more specific.
None of us are over our past; it makes us who we are today. None of us are comfortable with uncertainty and not knowing where we stand in our relationships with the people we love or like; but that’s the way life works. You’re never going to have all the answers. What we have to understand is why we want to know the answers to those questions we have. The need for many things in a relationship is not about the relationship but about what we desire as individuals. Honestly, we’re all just trying to find our place. Find our place and a place that accepts us for who we are. We struggle with understanding that the only place that will accept us is the place that we create for ourselves.
We have to stop asking for someone to define our circumstance. We have to stop trying to force the ending because we need to know where we stand. There are no happy endings; it’s just a defense mechanism that we have created. The need to know needs to die. What we need is not the ending but to know that we are still in the race.
Maybe this makes no sense to you. Maybe it does. Either way, stop believing in happy endings. They are as common as unicorns.