Home Featured Part 1: 10 Things Black Men Look for in a Wife

Part 1: 10 Things Black Men Look for in a Wife


Happy Newlyweds in Front of Mansion

Are You Wife Material or a Wifey happens to be my third most read post to date on theSUNK.com. Not only do women want to be successful in their careers, but ultimately they want to be boo’d up, to find a man, get married, have great sex and have beautiful children. The last post was said to be vague, and it left some readers more frustrated than they were before they read it. So how do you know you’re a Wife-to-Be rather than just a Wifey? If you want to know what things black men look for in a wife, then read this:

Independent, Interdependent, Dependent

Will you self-destruct if he’s not around for a day or two? Is your existence dependent upon him? Equally, do you shun his assistance? Can you take his help or do you want to be the man? Have you been doing for yourself for so long that you’ve forgot how to be taken care of? Answering yes to any of these questions isn’t good. Men want a woman that is balanced, a woman that possesses her own interests, yet wants (rather than needs) her man to be around.

Family Ailments

Men, like women, think about what hereditary issues their boo might have that can be passed to their children. If you have lupus, asthma, or glaucoma that runs through your family, that’s something of importance. Even the small stuff like the men being short in your family could turn a man off, because they don’t want to have short children.

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Do You Make Sense

When you bring an issue to him about some discrepancy with a friend, family member, etc., does your argument sound coherent or do you just assume that he will always take your side? Can you be unbiased and admit when you are in the wrong or have jumped the gun? Or are you a woman that can’t take being wrong and would rather be right than fair? Sometimes women would rather when the fight or verbal spat, than actually solve the problem that they are arguing about.

Worst Day

On your worst day, that includes no make-up, no weave/recent do, and even when you’re not feeling yourself, How do you look? Men often can be turned on or turned off by the after sex you. Most of the time in marriage you won’t be all dolled up. On those days, men decide if they are still as attracted to you as they were the first time they saw you.

Problem Solving; Handling Adversity: Step In

When you’re stressed out, how do you handle it? Do you panic? Do you remain calm? Or you have a breakdown? Men want to understand the load they will have to bear when it comes time to console you. The way you handle stress may impact your partner just as much as it impacts you. No one wants to end up with the worrier.

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No man wants a woman that is hard on forgiveness, yet no man wants a woman that is too forgiving. Men need a balance of backbone and leniency. They need a successful relationship. If you make him pay for a mistake, don’t continue to bring it up; that shows you haven’t truly forgiven him. People make mistakes, but no decent man will stay with a woman that lets him turn mistakes into habits.

The conscience of Self and World; Volunteer

You don’t have to be Angela Davis or some activist crime fighting soul sista, but please be aware of the social conditions around you. Please be aware that though it is hard being a Black woman, it might be even a little tougher being a Black man, even though we all have our own struggles as people of color. Be empathetic to his condition and hopefully he will reciprocate and understand your struggle. Men pay close attention to how you treat others and this is one of the things black men look for in you as a wife.

Nurture/Potential to Be a Mother

Does he respect you? Do you respect yourself Can he see you being the mother of his children? Potential husbands usually want to be fathers and they want a respectable woman to raise their children. A man’s weakness is a woman that is kind to every human being.

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Get It, Spend It

When we first meet you and during the early dating stages, men do their homework and notice your spending habits. They’re trying to figure out if you’re high maintenance, frugal, and/or how much you may cost them in the long run. They are also trying to see if you are fair when it comes to spending habits, e.g.,“Sometimes I pay, sometimes you pay,” or some other method. A man will not wife a chick with bad spending habits, especially if he doesn’t believe he can foot the bills. Money will ruin any good relationship.

Wit vs. Intelligence

You graduated from college with a 3.6 and you were in the top ten percent in your class, so you think you’re hot sh!t…nope you’re not. There’s a difference between being intelligent and witty: intelligence gets you a job and wittiness gets you a husband. Wit is when you can jokingly tell your boyfriend to get his sh!t together without him feeling attacked. Wit is when you can talk slicker than he can and make him happy rather than just make him smile. Wit is the difference between a nagging girlfriend and a woman you don’t want to disappoint.

Do you believe you any of these points are valid? Do you understand us better? What did I say that you weren’t aware of? Do you also have some marriage expectations? Would you share this post with your friend? 


  1. My goodness were you on the pulpit this morning! The last three points in particular are spot on. The bakance of wit and intelligence is everything and is a great catalyst to building chemistry in my opinion. I pay very keen attention to a woman’s spending habits as well. A nuruting woman, a kind woman is necessary. If we want to build I have to know you have a genuine and generous spirit. And a woman with great problem solving strategies is a big help as well. I could still use help in that area.

  2. My issue was the “Have you been doing for yourself for so long that you’ve forgot how to be taken care of” because the men that I chose to date at one point and time couldn’t take care of me, possibly didn’t want to take care of me and or didn’t know how to….and I’m talking bigger then “financial”. After going through this for 6/7 years my mind became conditioned with “I gotta do it, I gotta take care of me” I’ve gotten a lot better over the past couple of years I guess due to age/maturity, so now I happen to date someone who can, is, and wants to take care of me and I now know how to sit back and let that happen.

    I appreciate this and it looks like I may make the cut one day 🙂 I would love to share this with friends but how many times have some of us women received information straight from the horses mouth and still go out there and do the exact thing you told us not to do lol

  3. The problem I have with this is the sentiment that Black men have it harder than Black women. Absolutely not true. Black women find ourselves at an intersection of discrimination one based on race and the other based on gender. This also seems to forget that there happens to be a lot of sexism that goes on the Black community. Black women are expected to support Black men above all else, but those same expectations aren’t placed on Black men.

  4. This is a great list…it really is. Family Ailments may be a bit tricky…cause most families have something in the mix. You def can’t avoid everything. But this is def true to the discussions I’ve had with men. I’ll be passing this along. 🙂

  5. I think people are over-standing, over-stating, and over-complicating what it takes to be a future Mrs.
    Every single man as an individual likes a variety of things in women. Not to mention, every man is different, so what some men will allow and put up with in relationships, others won’t. These differences don’t make any particular man a bad man necessarily, just makes them different and unique. They have their own ideas of what they like, and what they want, and what they don’t like and don’t want. So imo, these lists can be irrelevant and obsolete. They also become redundant after a while. A woman can be Everything on this list and still be single and not be a wife for another 10 years, or the particular man she wants to marry doesn’t want to marry her. There may be something not on this list that a man wants. Some men are very well off and want to be care-takers. They’re very traditional and want their wife to be a housewife, and take care of the kids and the house. Some men don’t want their wives to work. Doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them; just their preference. Not every man wants children. Some men want a wife to be a partner and bff and that’s about it. They could care less about the kind of mother she would be.
    I truly believe that for every woman, there is a man for her. There is a man that will love most Everything about her and he will love her unconditionally, just as she is. He will accept her faults and all, just as she will accept his. Many men have told me for them marriage is all about Timing. That’s it and that’s all. We all know a man can have the seemingly “perfect” woman in his life, however, if it’s not the right time for him, and he is not ready to be a Husband; then it won’t happen. I know many many men who dated their now wife for many many years before finally settling down and marrying her. This doesn’t make these men bad, just not ready. And ladies the worst thing you can do is try to force and rush a man to marry you before he’s good and ready to. I’ve read many articles where men have married women simply because that woman came at the right time, and she wouldn’t settle for simply being a gf. So just as timing plays a part in men not marrying a woman, it also plays a part in when they decide to marry women as well.
    I highly suggest more men refocus these articles on advising women on how to recognize a man who is Husband Material, and how to recognize a man who is ready, willing and able to be a husband.
    Even with myself, since I was young the type of men I generally attracted and were in relationships with were mature men who were ready to settle down and be husbands. Most all of my ex’s are married to this day, (just not to me).
    In my much younger days it was me who wasn’t ready to settle down and be a wife and mother. I was the one that told men no to marriage and children. I was the one who wanted to wait until I knew I was ready. I was the one who wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure that marriage was the right thing for me, and that it was the right time.
    So I completely understand this mentality in men, because I share it.
    I believe this is a healthy mentality to have because typically the common denominator in failed relationships, and marriages is the 2 people, not the relationship, and/or marriage in and of itself.
    So regardless of whether you feel your ready for marriage or not, and/or how great of a husband or wife you will make; if your not with the right person who will be just as great of a spouse as you will be, it’s a recipe for disaster.
    The right person at the right time, is what makes all the difference in the world.

  6. Although men are not monolithic in our wants and needs, the article did a good job of covering many of the basics. Tis true that a man’s first obligation to his unborn progeny is to be circumspect in selecting them a worthy mother.

    For me personally, her conflict resolution skills, her emotional IQ, her willingness to acknowledge and accept when she is wrong (at least a 1/3 of the time…lol) are fundamental requisites. It is important that her femininity radiates powerfully and that she doesn’t burden me with her EVERY insecurity or believes that my mental and social mobility should be confined within those subjective borders.

    A woman that understands the distinction between “an education” and “wisdom” ( One gets you a job and the other gets you a life.)
    She doesn’t have to be intellectually brilliant, but must be curious about the world that we live in and she must intuitively understand when I just need her to be a friend. That she not simply be a woman that wants a man, but rather that she be a woman that a man NEEDS.

  7. I was in agreement with every aspect of this article sans the “black men have it harder” sentiment. In my own relationship, I’m a bit concerned with 1 or two of these listed, but then we’ve only been together for a bit over a year. Everyone needs time to grow, and many of these aspects of character won’t truly manifest one way or another until you and your mate have been through some things that reveal WHO that person really is. As a man who pretty much follows this list to the T, I can say from experience that its truly disheartening when you realize that the woman you are in a relartionship with is just severely lacking in an irreparable way in one of these categories and you have to let her go, because it could take years of trial and error to reach that level of certainty. Still, marriage is forever. Choose wisely.

  8. Most black american eople do not understand that marriage and family is a business. We are pretty much the ONLY people on the planet who do not approach it with this mindset. As a man ypu should not ejaculate in a woman if she is uncouth, loose, untrustworthy or is quick to use her tongue to combat you. These are simple rules that virtually every man of other ethnicities live by. As a woman, you probably shouldn’t allow a man who has no ambition, is a criminal, multiple kids he ALREADY does not provide for, etc. Now some of ypu will say this is common sense but when ypu look at the mating and reproduction habots of most American blacks it’s clear that this is not common practice

    1. “Most black american people do not understand that marriage and family is a business. We are pretty much the ONLY people on the planet who do not approach it with this mindset.”

      Have to disagree with those two statements. First, marriage isn’t a business, or wasn’t intended to be. It was intended to be a union. The Red Light District in major cities is a business. Second, African Americans are NOT the only group of people you spoke about or alone in that way of thinking. This post is about keys and things to look for in a wife, that’s all. We should stop comparing ourselves with other groups and focus more on solutions.

  9. Part of the problem is some of the very things some BM say they don’t want in BW, they accept in any other woman.
    Generalizations get tricky in that what anyone wants depends on where they are in life. A 45 year old female friend with 2 grown children recently broke up with a 50 year old, very nice man who had a 3 year old child with a 30 year. Two very nice people but he himself was stressed with this toddler and “baby mama” at this point in his life so…
    Also, IMO, black males need to be more patient with black women. Black women have been patient with black males through unemployment, underemployment, children by different women, lost diabetic limbs, etc. But somehow a BM can’t understand that if you encounter a BW who has been doing it by herself for a long while – it may take a little time for her to feel that she really does have backup now. Too often black males get caught up into the myth of them having it worse – rather than differently – that they dismiss the real state of black womanhood at this point in time. There’s only one Oprah and even she ain’t married and ain’t twiggy either.

    1. I’m a Brooklyn boy born and raised..and finding a good quality woman in NYC is pretty difficult. And I’m a good guy, with no baggage, and no bad reputation…and I have a ton of good qualities about me that stands out. But I admit, I can be very picky. I always have been.

      1. What do you mean by “good quality woman?” and “very picky?” One of the complaints by many black males is that black women are “too picky?” Talk to me.

        1. Well, there is NOTHING wrong with being a little picky. You have your standards, and you know what you like and require in a man/potential mate. Guys that get on you all for that, are men who aren’t fully confident in themselves to get a good woman, they feel they are lacking in a certain department and/or insecure in a department…so they will get on ya’ll for being “too picky”, in hopes of lowering your standards so you can pick them.

          For example, a man that’s 5’2 might want to date a 5’5 sister…but most(not all) women want or rather a tall(er) man, so they will tell that 5’5 woman(if she has a preference for a man at least 5’6 and taller), that she’s too picky. Understand? Now, a man who is already tall dark and handsome like me, who is very confident, and don’t have those insecurity problems, and is tall(6’5 btw) and very built, I wouldn’t deflect those feelings on to other black women…especially since I’m very picky my damn self. Lol

          There are other things as well. Basically, it USUALLY reflects a mans insecurities, and deflects it onto you. Whether it’s his finances that he’s not secure in or whatever. They tell you to lower your standards, so those guys can get a shot. MOST of the time, it’s not a problem with you…it’s the issue with them. Understand?

        2. Totally. My husband cracks on those guys all the time. Pretty funny with the Trini accent and all.

  10. Great list, no doubt. I think women want many of the same to varying degrees in a man. But my question is how do you explain the b**chy women who end up marrying really nice guys? At dinner with friends the other night, a conversation on this very topic arose. Someone posed the question: what does it take to actually go from the dreaded 3-6 month trial period to getting married? We came up with many things on this list, but thinking about women we know who are straight witches and volatile and needy etc. etc. who are married, the list didn’t seem to hold the same amount of weight. Maybe it’s just a phenomena here in Atlanta, but it seems like black men largely prefer drama- (and ass-shot) filled women over the nice girls who have the qualities outlined above. Are we now in the era of nice girls finishing last?

      1. Unfortunately that’s often not true. Lots of good men confuse good looking women with good women – or they pursue “good looking” women hoping they will also be “good girls”….then they badmouth ALL Black women when that doesn’t happen.


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