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Another Dysfunctional Dating Story

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I will be the first to say that dating is difficult. It’s stressful. As the woman, you have to make sure your hair is on point, nails done, and that what you wear is flattering. You have to worry about what to talk about, how much to disclose, and depending on what city you’re in, if you are prepared to pay if “date guy” tries to pull a fast one. Don’t get me wrong, men have it hard too. I mean, you all have to decide how much effort you really want to put into a woman and if you are going to use that Groupon you bought last week. I would suggest you don’t.

Over the past eon, men have done their best to make a case for the amount of money that is spent on women while dating. In my opinion, there are two groups of men: Men that bitch about spending too much money on dates, and men that don’t bitch about spending too much money on dates. I like to think that since I began my dating life here in Houston, I haven’t had too many run- ins with group “A”, but I have had my share of bad dates.

Back in the day I had a personal trainer, and he was cute, real cute. Of course this meant we were supposed to be something more. After a few work outs and some flirting, he asked me out. I should have known up front that something off because when he approached me about the date, he gave me a choice between two activities. We could either go bowling, or to the movies. Maybe it’s not weird, but it was weird to me. So I sang eeny meeny miny moe and chose to go to the movies. On the day of our date, I asked if he wanted to meet up for happy hour before to get some drinks and apps. He responded that he wasn’t hungry, but agreed. During that same conversation he asked if I could drive. I paused, and asked him where his vehicle was. He told me that it was “down.” To this day, I don’t know why he didn’t just say he didn’t have one, but whatevs.

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For some reason I obliged, and got directions to “his” house. I swear when I got there, I saw his mama wave us off as we drove away, but I could be making that up. At this point, I’m turned off in more ways than one. We go to the restaurant, I order but he doesn’t. I offer him some of my Thai chicken strips of which he indulges, and we chop it up. When it’s time to pay the $20.62 bill, it sat on the table for what had to have been 37 minutes, easy. I finally asked him if he was going to pay. Obviously caught off guard, he says yes and pulls out $21.00 exactly. I offered to leave the tip, since I didn’t see one.

The theatre is across the street. Now, it’s a Sunday, and when we walk up to the box office, there is nobody in line. This means, it was just him and me. We stood there; both looking up at the marquee for what had to have been 56 seconds, easy. I finally walked up to the window and asked for one ticket for the movie. At this point, I was real confused and irritated, and looking back I was petty for that. He obviously had spent his last $21.00 at the previous location and didn’t know how to tell me. I ended up buying his ticket and the movie was what it was. Everything about the date was awkward. From me picking him up at his mama’s house, to him asking me to purchase his movie ticket.

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I label this as a dysfunctional date because dude wasn’t up front about his situation from the beginning. Men can sometimes let their pride get in the way of a good time, when they can easily just lay things on the table. Give me the choice. Nobody is asking anybody to spend their entire rent check on a date. However, if you are going to date, you should be able to afford it. Be creative if you have to, but don’t have me picking you up to fund my own date night.

Keita is a Houston based blogger with much more to say, check her out on twitter @keitathejedi or at www.keitawheats.com

Comment(30)

  1. I can understand the dysfunction, but both of you were wrong in not talking enough beforehand. You initiated extended the date by meeting earlier, even though he stated he wasn’t hungry… You picked him up, followed through with earlier meet, ordered apps, and assumed he should cover the costs. There should never be any assumptions made about people you don’t know. Pride can be an issue but assuming is an equally dysfunctional contribution. Ladies you too must do better.

    1. Who’s to say they didn’t have a discussion prior to the date. People lie or leave things purposely vague all the time.
      At the root of things, Keita should not have had to ask 21 questions about the date prior to the date. The pertinent info is typically; location, (so you know where to meet and how to dress), time, an idea of what you will be doing, (so you know how late you will be out and you won’t make other plans if it’s more than just lunch), and if your being picked up or driving. The day of the date she knew she would have to pick him up. I would have asked him to meet me somewhere, car or no car. On a first date I would not have been picking him up at his house, or whomevers house. At any rate, she rolled with it like a champ, and kept it classy. I give mad props for that. Unfortunately you can’t always help it if people don’t communicate with you. You shouldn’t have to ask so many detailed questions. You think most people have basic common sense and know certain things. Nobody is wrong for thinking thinking this.
      A friend of mine who is recently divorced said the first time she took her ex to meet her parents he rudely did not engage in much conversation with them. He stayed to himself and ignored them. When the lawyer asked why she didn’t tell him to talk more, she replied that she was not aware that she had to tell a grown azz man how to conduct himself around her parents. And she’s right. Nobody should have to tell a grown person things they should already know.
      So I don’t blame Keita at all. The dude obviously did not know how to communicate and was scared to be honest. It’s life. People do it all the time. She got through it and learned. Mad props for handling that situation with such class 🙂

      1. I know guys who have been prepared to pay but won’t because of feminine assumption. Many women assume normality is a given or that common sense is common. Those women are grossly confused….

        The reason I feel there should be communication prior to a date is to feel each other out. People show you who they are, if we’d just pay attention. I only learned this through experience. So many people, men and women, feel as if one shouldn’t have to explain to another adult how to act. The reality is that statement is partially true. However we selfishly assume the way we act is proper, when it necessarily isn’t. I respect everyone within reason and accept them as they are. Acceptance does not mean I will date them or deal with too much of their BS, but I try to understand them and relate to them. It’s a sure fire way for me to discern whether I will or won’t do whatever. I have a lot of friends who blame bad dates on jerks like this guy was, as if they had no part in the foolishness. While I agree he was a jerk, I must also acknowledge it takes a certain type of individual to accept this behavior. Both behaviors are questionable, IMO. I personally don’t waste a lot of time on unworthy people; no free meal is worth it.

        1. I totally understand where your coming from Gray. And your right, common sense isn’t always common, unfortunately. However, many times you really don’t know what a person will or will not do in any given situation or circumstance, until your in that situation with them. Also, a person can tell you one thing, and then as your having that experience with them, you realize that what they say they will do, and what they actually do are 2 different things. Either way, I’ve had miscommunication regarding dates several times.
          I didn’t get mad or feel any type of way about it because after the fact, what does it really matter. Once your in the situationm, and it’s not what you expected not much you can do. You just adapt and do whatever you deem necessary at that moment. Just because people communicate, doesn’t mean it’s effective communication. Which i believe is society’s biggest problem to date. We talk, but not necessarily communicate. Effective communication is a learned process. And anyone not taught how to effectively communicate won’t. Someone will have to teach them. So when dealing with people who are clueless on how to effectively communicate, there will almost always be miscommunication.

        2. I can agree with what you’re saying. I know people lie about who they are. I am very direct and to the point. Jerks just say stupid stuff; they can’t help it or hide it for too long. I’ve dated men who sucked and recognized I took part in that date too long, just for the sake of taking the high road. Never again, will I accept. I have friends and sisters who have higher expectations than what they should, solely based on experience. I always feel like I am talking to them and trying to help them not repeat the madness.

  2. We all know pride gets men in effed up situations. Let the church say amen. I don’t see this as a pride issue. The assumptions that accompany introductory dates are what cause the game to be on Hall of Fame level. Not taking the responsibility off dude for not putting his money where his mouth is, but the fact that you assumed he could pay for it all after you added an addendum to the itinerary is on you. Plus we all know personal trainers get paid $8 an hour anyway. Cold World.

  3. so fellas, don’t let your pride get in the way. if you can’t afford the date, don’t date. but if you low on funds, put it out there, if you dig her, you’ll find a way, and if she digs you, she’ll understand

    is that the lesson? or am i horribly off?

    1. lmbao….yeah right. That will be the day that men don’t date. Not dating means no chex. I’ve never met a man that went without chex for too long.

  4. This post makes a caricature of the convo of “how much a
    date should cost. The writer prefaces the story with the debate, and then
    spends 3 paragraphs on a story about a guy with no car, lives with his mother, hungry and less than $30.00 total for the date.

    That doesn’t make any sense.

    I’m assuming we’re, post college, grown folks. This conversation of “to spend or not to spend”, hinges on the assumption that a man CAN afford but CHOOSES to spend or not to spend particular sums of money on a date. Inserting the “broke brotha”, at best misses the point and at worse is a distraction to the discussion. The “broke brotha” in your story is a non-factor.

    Thanks for the “Tyler Perry” style cartoon story though….I guess.

      1. This post was disjointed because the FACTOR in this
        particular conversation (the amount of money that is spent on women while dating) is CHOICE. If a man is broke then he’s not CHOOSING whether or not to spend on a date. He simply cannot. He’s broke.

        Many factors play into both sides of this conversation. However,
        the conversation cannot be had without assuming that a man has more than $30.00.

        The author poorly attempted to insert a story about a BAD
        DATE into a, “how much to spend on a date” conversation.

        Your question was broad…I hope I answered it.

        1. yes High Five and thank you for replying. I think her reason for the date being bad was moreso because the dude wasn’t Honest about being broke. I think that is what Keita had a problem with more than anything else. Many women date broke men. Many women are in relationships with broke men. Many women are married to broke men. Imo that’s a bit of a non issue. The bigger issue is how you handle not having enough spending money for entertainment purposes.
          Granted on a first date no woman wants to feel like just a cheap date. However, imo not being honest about being broke is actually worse than being broke. Your taking away the other persons right to choose whether to deal with you or not. My dad told me that he took out a loan for thousands of dollars to court his wife while they were dating. I laughed at him, and told him that was dumb as hell. By then he knew it and unfortunately for him, he learned the hard way. Inevitably she grew accustomed to how he courted her. So after marriage she expected to go on several trips a year, go out to eat more often than staying home, go to concerts and shows etc etc etc. My dad couldn’t keep up and he became destitute because of her. Bottom line is, if you don’t deceive people and you keep it 100 from the very beginning, everything will be everything and you won’t have to worry about any drama.

        2. I personally didn’t see this post the same as Dr. J’s. To me it was not a “to spend or not to spend or how much to spend” post.

          Her last paragraph sums the post up nicely – “I label this as a dysfunctional date because dude wasn’t up front about his situation from the beginning. Men can sometimes let their pride get in the way of a good time, when they can easily just lay things on the table. Give me the choice. Nobody is asking anybody to spend their entire rent check on a date. However, if you are going to date, you should be able to afford it. Be creative if you have to, but don’t have me picking you up to fund my own date night.”
          Main thing most every woman wants more than anything else is Honesty. If you want to take a woman out, but feel like you can’t “afford” her first find out about her. Talk to her and find out what’s important to her. Get to know who she is as a person. Ask her what kind of first date she would like, and go from there. You never know, she may be willing to go out with you regardless of how much you can afford to spend. All women are not golddiggers, or will only date men who can afford to lavishly court them. If nothing else, most women will respect your honesty, and straightforwardness. Plus remember on the flip side of this discussion, a man can start off balling, and something happens and he loses it all. So whatever you start, be able to maintain it, or date the woman that will still love you, and stay with you literally for richer or poorer.

        3. I think possibly what intended to do was to use her personal experience as an example of why men with no money, and/or who are in bad financial situations should probably not date.

        4. “I personally didn’t see this post the same as Dr. J’s.”

          Yeah…but it was a continuation as the first 2 paragraphs addressed.

          “I think possibly what intended…….why men with no money, and/or who are in bad financial situations should probably not date.”

          Funny, how you stated that better than she did.

          “dude wasn’t up front about his situation from the beginning.”

          Look, Keita went out with a scrub dude. It happens. But, don’t try to turn this into a PSA about being honest. This is bad writing and I aint buying it.

          We are intelligent here, so stories about scrub broke dudes and hood-rat chicks aren’t worth the read. We can all catch a TV show for that.

        5. lol @ that catch a tv show comment.
          I don’t think not having much money at any given time makes anyone a scrub or hoodrat. We’ve all been broke. I’m sure we’ve all had times where we had no money and had to stay in the house watching cable and eating oodles of noodles or hotdogs and baked beans or whatever. Most of us weren’t born with silver-spoons. Even our current president grew up semi poor.
          It’s not the situation, and/or circumstance in and of itself that is the problem; how it’s handled or mishandled is the real issue.
          I don’t believe that you shouldn’t date, and have whatever fun you can afford to have just because your not balling or unemployed, if you want to.
          I’ve dated in my early 20’s with not a lot of money. I’ve dated men who were just starting out and didn’t have much spending money. At the end of the day, if you meet someone you really like, and they like you, your both completely honest with each other about your current situation, you enjoy each others company, and you both choose to ride with each other despite your current financial situation, and it works for you, then go for it. I don’t think there should be posts telling people not to date if your broke..lol. Unless your homeless and out on the street.
          I think the message should be, Be Honest about your financial situation, whether it’s good or bad.
          Men, if you want to date, and you want female companionship, but can’t afford to spend hundreds of dollars on a woman on dates, or $50.00, tell her that.
          As I said before, a man can start off balling and lose his job. Doesn’t make him a scrub. A man’s business can fold, and he lose everything. A former male coworker of mines house caught fire. He’s a single dad. He met and dated a woman months after this happened. They got into a relationship while he was in transition and dealing with the after affects of losing everything. His girlfriend had no car and lived 30 minutes away. They’re still together to this day 4 years later and doing better than before.
          Money comes and goes all the time. It’s life. The key is to be able to handle your finances in such a way that no matter what, you can still have some fun and do some things that you enjoy. Your financial situation should not define you, nor should it make or break you. It can change in the blink of an eye.

        6. To be clear, I would never paint “scrub” and “broke” equally. Broke is relative and “scrub-ness” is not. However, the author constructed the man as dishonest, hungry and not even willing to give up the $21.00 that he had. She wrote him as the one expecting to get paid for. I think that we can all agree that this is scrub behavior.

          This however makes my point that of all the dates Keita has had, she chooses the most cartoonish scrub date to make a point about dating, finances and finally, honesty. #amateurhour

        7. ok. I’ll leave that alone and bow out gracefully, beings that I don’t know Keita and haven’t read all of her posts. I agree that the guy exuded “scrub tendancies” lol, because he wasn’t honest and upfront about his finances. And because he didn’t suggest something he affordable for him, like coffee or lunch at Ruby Tuesdays or something. I wonder whatever happened to whomever asked whom out, is who pays……..

  5. It’s Important to have ‘getting to know you conversations’ before the money starts flowing. Start with some conversation time to get some background, and by all means do not assume anything.

    1. Nothing wrong with having 1 bad experience. It’s life. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Long as you don’t repeat the same bad experiences with the same people.

  6. Closed mouths, open expectations, bad combination. In the event that you both had talked about the dating finances, I get the vibe that you wouldn’t have wanted to go. Maybe this is more about the money than the date itself.

  7. Interesting how the author frames her inquiry about the guy’s transportation. From what I can tell, she asked him about his car, thereby assuming that he had one in the first place, instead of just asking whether or not he had a car..then blames the guy for not being upfront. If I knew that I was being judged openly, I would probably withhold information as well. Still, I guess I get the point. He was broke, he should have said something. After all, the difficulty in dating for men amounts to Groupons and whether we should use them or not. Bad men are bad, obviously.

  8. My mother always told me if a guy asks a woman out, he should pay. No question. If a woman invites a man out, she should be prepared to pay for herself. He asked this woman to the movies and was prepared to pay for her movie. She asked HIM to happy hour and still expected him to pay even after he told her he wasn’t hungry. Definite mistake on her behalf. Instead of bashing this guy for not paying, let’s think about the fact that he was willing to spend his LAST $21 to take her to a movie. A man who only has $20 and is willing to spend $15 of it on someone else is much more of a sacrifice that should be appreciated than a man with a large amount of money taking you out.

    But that’s just my 2 cents…

  9. Good article, had me drawn in and actually thinking I was following you all.

    Now I feel that if ANY man asks a woman on a date he is obligated to pay. Now if something unforseen financially happens before the date he should tell her and either you guys reschedule or make accomodations such as one venue as opposed to two (or more) or a place that’s cheaper. He was wrong for that. And you were wrong for going to the movie booth by yourself, or should have asked what to do next that way you could have gauged how much money he had. You guys simply could’ve gone for a walk and sat somewhere and talked it would have spared him the embarrassment and you a dysfunctional date.

    just my humble opinion

    opinionatedmale.com

    1. What were you thinking, Keita. You seriously didn’t expect a personal trainer to be well-heeled did you? But it sounds like, in the back of your mind, that’s exactly what you were expecting. What gets me, is you then placed all the blame on his shoulders. In reality, you need to look past a date’s wallet and his looks. So why not give the poor guy a break. Otherwise you are only showcasing to everyone here the depths of your shallowness. I don’t mean to come across as being harsh, but you may want to look at why you are still single (unless of course your intent was to get a reaction from us).

      Sorry, my post is meant for the Keita and all those supporting her view.

  10. Ok, so I read a few, scanned some of the comments, and saw no one mention the “Golden Dating Rule” – Thou Shall Not Ask For A Date If You Broke…as hell. I mean come on yall..seriously? Keita was not wrong at all for her assumptions nor do ladies need to step up on their game because another lacked in their dating skills. Everyone knows that whomever sets the date pays. That’s how it is in modern society today. Keita would have been wrong only if she asked ole’ dude out then expected him to pay. But if I read correctly, he not only asked her but gave her a choice like its her world
    and he’s a squirrel…

    So Keita girl, I feel you!! But as I read previously I’m sure you learned
    your lesson 😉

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