There’s a funny irony when you’re a writer who enjoys writing about relationships and dating.
How could someone with all these wide perspectives still be a “single black male?” I’ve always thought that if you’re in the business of sharing perspective then it’s all good. Like Charles Barkley says, “There are no experts, only God is an expert.” It’s a question I’ve gotten many times over the six years I have been doing this writing thing. At least I haven’t been single for six years. For the last couple of years though, that’s been my middle name -Single! It’s fun, it’s pretty stress free. But it also happens to be a side effect of knowing what you want and being patient enough for the right situations to come your way.
As many single men know, it’s often thought that we have many “hoes.”
Those Instagram jokes aren’t always too far from the truth. After all, most jokes are jokes because we can relate to them. A lot of guys don’t have a truck load of hoes. Some of us may have had a few at a time but time passes and your goals become more refined. While I’m on the subject please excuse my use of the word “hoes.” I’m simply following the colloquial rhetoric that’s used in these scenarios. To be honest, during the time that you are single you begin to think if there are any things that you need to change.
During the period of time that I have been single I have dated many, and been involved with some. I have had a couple real prospects in the process. Sometimes the chemistry fell off. Other times people may have stopped contact with no explanation for it. The list can go on. The bottom line is that sometimes things sincerely do not work out. It could be bad luck, I happen to just think that’s it’s a part of the process. We take different routes to get to the end goal. It’s just like how we approach life in other ways. There’s certain circumstances we all have to figure out to find what we desire.
With that said I started thinking that there may be some things hindering my quest of finding Ms. Right. I actually think some of my reasons may coincide with a lot of you all.
Work- I’m realizing over the last few months that my job is becoming increasingly difficult. My 9-5 mentally drains me almost on a daily basis. I’m admittedly frustrated with it and looking to leave. That fatigue I’m experiencing affects so much around me. This could also lead to my next point.
Putting Myself Out There- I’m twenty-six years old and I don’t fear commitment not one bit. I have a clear idea of the kind of woman i think I can be committed to and I’m confident that I’ll know who she is once I vibe with her. But my struggle comes with putting myself in places where that can happen. As I just mentioned, I’m more exhausted daily than I have ever been. My weekends are now reserved for furthering my other passions. This includes getting my upcoming podcast off of the ground along other endeavors that has taken up my time after work. Even if those tasks didn’t exist, sometimes my body just wants to rest. I recognize this and also recognize what comes with that. I think a great thing for me to do would be to hit more after work happy hours. I’m just so dog tired at 5 p.m. that it seems impossible to do with vigor.
This might sound like a couple of excuses. Maybe they are; it depends on who thinks so. What I can say is that these are some areas where I fall short. I’m open to making a concerted effort to change these things. If time is lacking maybe I need to make time. These could be reasons as to why I haven’t found that right one as yet.
I wrote this today to ask you all if you have ever asked yourself if you fall short somewhere?
We write (talk) so much about our ideals and what we’re seeking. It could be something within ourselves that we need to tweak. I’m not talking about tweaking for the sake of conformity. I’m talking about tweaking because you feel there are some genuine changes to be made. I’m going to try my darnedest to switch a couple of things up. We’ll see how the shots fall. But I do think it’s important to be introspective at times and do some self diagnostics. These were just two of ways in which I think I may be hindering myself. There might be even more. You guys ever been in this situation? Do you all take the time to see if it really is you and not them? Let’s talk about.
These are my words and I make no apologies.
DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS
Great topic Damn Pops. 🙂
I know for a fact not all single men have hoes in different area codes. Some are going through a divorce and just casually dating, others are wrking like kneegro slaves and just don’t have the time and energy, others are just coolin out doing their own thing, enjoying life with family and friends, and chilling.
Yes I’ve absolutely taken time to self reflect and learn and grow during the times I’ve been single. I think it’s imperative that everyone do that. It definitely helps you be better for when you re-enter the relationship realm again.
I have a different take though regarding time. I think people try to hard sometimes. Of course you can’t be hermit, and/or workaholic and expect to meet people. However, we are not all meant to find love when we’re young and in our 20’s and 30’s. Just doesn’t happen for all of us at the same time and that’s ok. There is no way you can guarantee when it happens unless you try to force create something with someone. Or go on that show where the relationship experts match you with someone and you meet them and marry them all in the same day.
There is no real rhyme and/or reason to finding “true love.” I believe it happens when it’s supposed to happen, when it’s right. As my pastor used to say; we end up at places sometimes not by accident, but by divine appointment. And all of our experiences hopefully, help us to grow and be better.
Pops definitely making more time to meet more people will help you. That’s a great start. But it won’t guarantee that you will find the love or your life right away. Best thing you can do for yourself is to let patience be your bff.
Best of luck to you Bruh 🙂
Hey salute to you,thanks for the insight. You hit the nails all over the damn place lol
well said…I completely agree with this!
You’re right Bree. There’s no rhyme or reason to finding true love because it CANNOT BE FOUND. It has to be built. I would suggest people find a good partner then build true love with them. The notion of “finding” true love is like wanting “instant oatmeal”. However, building true love is more like slowly cooking rolled oats: much more tasty and nutritious:) Trick is how to find the patience…
For a good 6-8 months now I have been trying to tap into my femininity. It really helped me leave my previous relationship. I have learned that I can’t deal with a man who is hyper than me because then I too will reach such hype levels…
I’ve also been reading topics on “The Red Pill.” I find the information for women to be extremely helpful.
The current “situation” I’m in though doesn’t seem to be going anywhere so I’ve decided to cease contact and focus on weight loss. I have always been academically successful and good with work too… But I feel that I have never lived up to my “beauty” potential, so I am focusing on weight loss and style. I’m entering my late 20s, divorced, and I have two children. If I want to get married in the next 3-5 years to a “great catch” my looks need to be worked on because I don’t want there to be any space for resentment. I want to look better than most childless women.
The guy I’ve been dealing with for several months now hasn’t caught an attitude from me nor an eye roll, and has actually received a pretty nice gift! I even have two tickets stashed away for a show this summer that I hoped he and I could go to together but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen…
So i would say that I have really matured in terms of attitude when dealing with a man. I’ve been calmer, nicer, more feminine, and less worrisome.
So again, im going to focus on my physical appearance along with my career and see what I may attract by the end of summer (i think I’ll be ready to date again by then).
I can dig that there!
While working on an outer appearance is great, your need for achieving it should be health based and not solely for the aesthetics to please and find a man. There’s undoubtedly a man who enjoys every body type. As a fellow single mother of two I am not the primary focus of my life but I do feel it’s important to feel good about oneself with a bit of self pampering. However you want to meet the man who is most compatible to you (life experiences, and ability to resolve) as opposed to just finding a man who will like your “assets”.
Good luck on your weight loss and self improvement. If you haven’t tried Atkins it’s great. It’s doable. You can plan and prepare your meals in advance and find much success with weight loss. I’m not a favor of food substitutes such as meal bars or frozen foods but the plan does work and my kids participated by force as well….they had no choice. LOL!
Self reflecting, IMO, is a must and it’s something I do all the time. I’m very observant to others and equally aware of myself. I think before I speak or react because personal awareness and self control are very important to me. I’m most bothered by disrespect and tend to dismiss/ignore others based upon their lack of respect and ability to control themselves. Nonetheless, I’m single and happy. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything simply because the right person has not entered my life. I believe in time it will happen as I’m open and receptive to it, but I am not willing to accept any relationship solely for the purpose of being in one.
I believe there are certain dynamics that must be in place in order to explore another relationship; been there, done that, and need something a little more fulfilling. I’ve had my share of experiences enough to know what is right for me and what will work. As a man you’re young and still finding your way. Do not allow the influences of others, or the self imposed pressures to “have it all” become a distraction to you.
It seems you’ve set some personal goals that you’re well on your way to attaining. Remember to think every action through as thorough as you can. If you can define a purpose for your goals then it’s worth your efforts to explore. In reality you will meet people in the darnedest places, if that were really your main concern. Don’t try to force it but do acknowledge it’s probably not your current priority which is the only reason tiredness is keeping you from extracurricular activities. As a man you probably need to attain a certain level of progression prior to fulfilling the need for woman, wife, or kids, anyways. When you’re mentally and emotionally ready for a relationship I suppose you will find/make time for one. Take care and meanwhile enjoy the ride! Best wishes of much success to you.
That was damn good! I
appreciate your insight. And yeah it’s not something I lose sleep over much.
But it’s something I acknowledge is not the hugest priority. If it happens it’s
fine and dandy and I’ll govern my time and efforts accordingly. But I also had
to be a realist which is what we all should be right. As for the goals? I’m
certainly trying,and making things as fun and as interesting as I’m allowed to.
Those were great words of encouragement though that are seen and felt, good
Now in my late 20’s and mother to two children, I am only recently able to focus on myself and pursuing my goals. Going to my 10 year high school reunion, I see many of my former peers with multiple degrees and great careers and I feel like all I have are my “mommy” memories, (not that I’m not proud of bringing two lives into this world). Getting to the age where I feel like I’m ready to get married, I want to actually accomplish something for myself, as sometimes I feel I had kids too young and therefore missed out on a lot of opportunities that were presented to me right out of high school. I feel like I can do better going forward and I should take the actions necessary to make my possibilities a reality. Even when I try to date now, I have guys that want to be with me and shut them down because I feel like I want to do more to establish my own identity before being in “mommy” or “wife” mode again.
I certainly can respect that there.
I admire your honesty on this post, it resonates deeply. Sometimes we have this list of things we want, but really do not put up any effort to prepare ourselves for the role..by switching things up. All in all, we all need to do better!
DamnPops, yes, you are young and this is an important time to build the foundation of your career with work and projects. But, you may very well need to change jobs (please don’t change your career!) to allow for more “me” time. Once you’ve done that, please be careful about the kind of relationship you seek. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you need a “serious” relationship since you haven’t yet mastered balancing work with down time. When you do date, be very clear and upfront with women about what you think you can handle right now. No matter how much you want to find “the one” what’s more important is living in your truth and going through a process where you’re at peace with yourself and your decisions. A few years from now, your desires and level of comfortability will change and, because you tread carefully in your earlier life, you’ll be more comfortable landing in “serious” territory. And it won’t feel like such a huge weight!
Great great insight here, I thank you.
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I think this was a great choice of a topic…especially so close to this summer season (Cuffing is seemingly over, lol). I don’t believe that you have to be in a relationship or a whole lot of relationships to speak on them. I know countless people who are in relationships and by the looks of it, really shouldn’t be. They know nothing about relating to or partnering or respecting others. I believe that we can learn how to be in healthy “love relationships” by the lessons we learn and values we hold true to in our other relationships (family, friends, employee strangers etc). Why? although the relationship you are speaking of is an intimate one, there are abstract ideas that help strengthen these kind of bonds…abstract ideas that we adopt in our connections with other people we deal with on a daily. I find that people like you, make the best partners because instead of jumping from person to person to fill a void or a bed, you are wise enough to analyze yourself as being fit for someone instead of just thinking whether someone else is ready/fit for you. Great article.