Home Featured Confession of a “Church Girl”: Stereotype or Struggle

Confession of a “Church Girl”: Stereotype or Struggle

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Girls-BeLike

“So you’re a church girl,” he said.

I laughed to myself. Here we go.

“No, I’m Christian who happens to be a woman,” I said.

I’m a preacher’s daughter and grew up in church all of my life. Now I’m fully aware of the stereotype and misconceptions that come with being the “church girl”. Let me see if I get this right. We’re freaks. We say we go to church. We shout on Sunday mornings, but get us in the bedroom and we have you shouting “thank you Jesus” and throwing up hail Mary’s. Waiting until marriage is a cute theory but let’s be real, who does that these days!?

I do! At least that’s my goal and I’m striving. For clarification purposes to all men, just because a woman claims to be a Christian but may sleep with you, should not discredit her Christianity or her morals and values. Sounds a bit strange or hypocritical? I’m speaking only from my perspective and experience.

I’m an affectionate person. I love love and I love to display it through hugs, kisses, etc. Blame it on my Capricorn sign or simply just the way God created me. When in a relationship, because of my faith and desire to be celibate, it’s a struggle that gets the best of me from time to time. I meet a great guy. I put my belief and desire to be celibate upfront. He accepts it and states that although that may or may not be his desire, he will oblige. But every once in a while the flesh of passion rises and I succumb to my own desire of pleasure. I feel a bit guilty afterward (that’s called conviction). I repent and strive to do better.

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We have the “talk” in which I explain why we can’t do it again and we must set boundaries for the relationship. But then it may happen again from time to time. I know this drives the man crazy. And I’ve absolutely realized that it’s not fair to the guy. Its a roller coaster ride that is fun at first, but then it just gets annoying and makes you sick.

In defense, for those who may be Christians, the struggle between spirit and flesh Is so real, particularly with dating. Its the same concept between right and wrong. Doing what you know is right and doing what you know will make you feel good for the moment. Its called being human. Just because a woman is a Christian does not negate her desire for intimacy and sex. Sex is great and the ultimate form of intimacy when with the right person. But understand that the struggle is not just about sex, but what are we really saying about God. How is that being portrayed to the guy I’m dating? Am I feeding into the stereotype? Am I giving him a bad view of Christians? Am I drawing him to the church or away from the church? (Like the church doesn’t have a bad reputation already) Did I mention the struggle is real!?

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Speaking of the church. Dating is such an under taught concept that begins and ends with “don’t have sex before marriage.” But what about the in between. How do we do we do the whole dating thing God’s way? Many of us are left to our own interpretations.

Fellas, listen. It’s not our desire to get you all excited and aroused and then leave you hanging with frustration and agitation. It’s not our desire to lead you on or misrepresent Christ. It is our desire to be in a healthy relationship that pleases God. On behalf of all Christian woman who love God but struggle in the area of abstinence, we apologize.

Ladies, we must take responsibility for our actions and our struggles. We must be upfront with our belief and desires and stick with it! The guy will either respect it, challenge it, or go with the flow until he gets fed up. We must develop self control and boundaries. We can’t get upset with a guy who only wants sex when we constantly give it up, praying about it later, then inviting him to church. Wondering why we don’t go out much. We know why. Mr. Right will not only oblige our desire to wait until marriage, but will have his own standards and boundaries that will align with your same belief.

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Fellas, “church girls” are actually great women to seek after. We have our struggles like every other woman, but if she is truly a Christian woman who goes to church and has a relationship with Christ, she will not seek to frustrate you, but build you up and be more of an influence than a hindrance. Besides, the stereotypes of “church girls” may hold a little truth, and from what I hear, most men want a lady in the streets, but a…., well you’ll have to put a ring on it before we complete the rest of that statement!

– Kristen Kimble


Kristin Kimble loves love and seeks to do it God’s way. Transparency is her middle name! 

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Twitter: KKsquared85 
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Comment(31)

  1. I’m a preachers kid too but I’m not super churchy. Christian or not, any woman who tells me she want’s to wait until marriage is not going to last long with me.

    1. Thanks for commenting! Just aquestion: How does being “super churchy? ” equate to being celibate and waiting until marriage. Abstinence until marriage is a key principal in Christanity. If you are not a Christian then I completely understand….. but if you are a Christian do you just negate the principal all together because it’s hard to do….or? Just wondering from your perspective.

      1. I am not a Christian. I see God a little differently than most of the church folks I came up with. Sexual compatibility is important to me. I could not see myself in a life long relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same interest as I.

        1. I absolutely agree that sexual compatibility is important. I guess, I am unlike other church folks……sexual compatibility has always been on my prayer list! LOL…..God’s been taking care of everything else I need, I am sure he will handle that area for me when it comes to sending me my husband! LOL….#faith

        2. That’s where I differ with most religious people. I believe we make things happen and God allows it.

        3. I am different than most religious folks as well. However, I believe we are all a part of God. We are a small part of a larger whole. Our collective consciousness affects each individual. I don’t believe we as individuals “make things happen and God allows it”. I trust that God kindles a fire in us to be who we are. What happens has already happened according to God. Our actions are merely our spirit’s reactions to our surroundings (this world) and meant to teach us lessons about life in the flesh. So this particular “church girl” was purposely tempted so she may correct/perfect her spirit. Remember we are the Children of Israel!

        4. “#faith” My sentiments exactly. Too often people forget what being a Christian really means. It’s not just about church every sunday, bible study every wed, shouting and praising God, and preaching to the masses. It’s about practicing what we preach. If we want other people to have faith and believe in God and his teachings and what he can do in our lives, then we have to believe it for ourselves. The last thing we need to worry about is if we will be sexually compatible with our future mates. We need to leave that in Gods hands.

  2. “Dating is such an under taught concept that begins and ends with “don’t have sex before marriage.” But what about the in between. How do we do we do the whole dating thing God’s way? Many of us are left to our own interpretations.”
    Excellent post. The above quote really resonated with me. There is such a heavy emphasis on sex and marriage when the topic of dating comes up in church that creates such a heavy energy surrounding the subject.

    1. Thanks! I use to be over the young adults at my church and I would always bring up the topic of sex….people would get so nervous! LOL…..its a much needed discussion!

    2. “But what about the in between” This statement is Spot On. Two pretty good books that address this are “No More Sheets” by Juanita Bynum, and “In The Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant. “The In Between” is definitely something that needs to be discussed, because its the very thing that All Christians struggle with on a daily basis.
      And even married Christians. A coworker and I recently discussed the restrictions people (namely women) put on sex within a marriage. Sadly sex is taught to be dirty and it’s only purpose procreation. This creates issues in many a “Christian Marriage.”

      1. I have seen the tape of No More Sheets, and I will have to check out the Iyanla Vanzant book. And you are right, sex is looked at as dirty, I think mainly from a societal stand point. Its portrayed as so nonchalant and a free for all, instead of it being an intimate moment with your husband or wife and coming together as one in mind, body , and spirit…..its a beautiful thing with the right one! (my husband)

    1. Thanks! Loved your article and your perspective. I guess “church girls” have various dynamics! LOL…. I would like to think I have balance. God is an extremely big part of my life, I am actually a minister….lol……but I definitely don’t slam people with the bible……but I just live…..kind of why i started blogging, to share with people the real side and reality of Christians, even being a minister, and particularly being one at a young age (30 y.o) lol….the struggle is real!

      1. Great post Kristin. We definitely need more bloggers like yourself.
        What is your take on so many Christian (men and women) rushing into marriage simply because, “the flesh is weak” and they don’t want to sin, only to later on find out that they’re not really compatible in any other way besides sexually. What people sometimes overlook is the flip side of their opinion on things, and there is always a flipside. Would you really be happy with someone with whom the best part of your relationship is sex?? Something to think about…….

        1. Thanks for commenting! I think many people take the easy road out when it comes to abstaining and waiting until marriage. Its hard!! But I am learning its worth it because God absolutely knows what I need and I believe He will provide. Its a matter of patience, which is a virtue MANY of us lack! lol

          And yes….sex is great….but I promise you….it wouldn’t keep me in a relationship!! At some point I should at least like to talk to you and not just take your clothes off! lol

        2. Exactly Kristin. I agree. The hard road is not easy, but it is definitely worth it in the long run.
          I pray for patience more than anything else probably, because that is the hardest thing to exercise in practically every area of life.

  3. Cool post. I remember when I was a Christian and oddly the ‘no sex’ thing wasn’t too much of an issue. And I will say, at the time, I do think the guy I was with would have waited until the end of time for me. One could argue he was getting it from somewhere else I suppose.

    I am not a Christian anymore, but I agree that the topic is something that could be talked about a bit more in the Christian community, especially for those that feel as though they have ‘fallen.’ The guilt of some Christians seems to hurt more than anything else.

    Thanks for your perspective!

    1. Thanks for commenting! Absolutely agree! The guilt hurts and keeps us quiet, instead of sharing and growing together……some Christians feel ashamed which is a trick to keep us from accepting forgiveness and moving on with our lives!

      I am just curious why you are not Christian anymore, def understand if you don’t want to share….I just enjoy good dialogue!

      1. Hm. I guess you could say I realized I was seeking a truth that transcended what Christianity (or any religion for that matter) could provide. I have come to find that truth, am continuously finding that truth and am happier than I have ever been in doing so.
        I still think Christianity could play an amazing role in one’s life (similarly to any religion). It was the stepping stone to where I am now which is why I don’t really feel a need to attack Christians for their beliefs. I may not “agree” with the religion much but I do respect it. 🙂

  4. “just because a woman claims to be a Christian but may sleep
    with you, should not discredit her Christianity or her morals and values.

    You’re right but it does scream that she’s delusional. For
    instance, you wrote, “Blame it on my Capricorn sign or simply just the way God
    created me.”

    Seriously?

    So we’ll blame the very being ( GOD )that you’re trying to
    please ( by not having sex )on your elevated need for …um…sex. How about
    saying, “I like sex” . It sounds simple but if “church girls” could simply do
    this then it would be off of the pedestal and much easier to deal with. Don’t y’all get tired of feeling “convicted”. Apologize not to the men who choose to date you, they are ( in no certain order ),

    Long Players: dudes that will just wait you out

    Simps: because they allow your choices to be theirs

    Liars: cause they’re getting it by other means

    I get it. Celibacy promotes marriage (in church). Marriage is
    healthier for sex and families. It’s a good model. You church girls (and dudes)are just horrible at execution.

    1. Thanks for commenting! The purpose of me writing the article was to share and expose the trouble some of us have with the execution of staying celibate. I think I stated many times that it is a struggle. I absolutely don’t blame God for my choices to have sex out of marriage, although I know he created me as a very affectionate person, he also instilled self control which I choose to engage and disengage at times as I please. And I believe I stated that sex is great…..because it is! But its just that I Iam past sex, I need more, and I know personally for me, as a Christian, that’s only going to come with my husband, so I’ll wait

      And life is full of conviction, it reminds me that I am not perfect and to rely on God……and yes we get tired of being convicted……that’s why I am choosing to stay celibate….one less thing to be convicted about! lol

    2. High Five I don’t think it’s horribly executed at all. The reality is, we’re all flawed & imperfect human beings, and the flesh is truly weak. So even when we have the best of intentions, it’s very difficult to resist temptation.
      Sort of like dieting. The reality is, it’s not easy to diet when you have to work, you have family, friends and a social life, maybe your expected to host events, or you own and manage a restaurant where they serve all kinds of fattening foods. It’s just not easy to say no to what you want. As human beings we think trying to tell ourselves we don’t really want what we want, and trying to make ourselves hate what we want, but don’t need is the answer, when it’s not. Outside of single Christians, and (non Christians, struggling with premarital sex we all have our struggles and crosses to bear. I’m sure most every man, (and many women) have struggled with being faithful. We struggle with doing right and wrong almost everyday of our lives. It’s human nature. It’s life. But as Kristen said, we have to utilize our ability to resist temptation, our self control and our strength.

      1. Dieting. The perfect analogy.

        Both dieting and abstinence are conscious attempts to skew the extremely complicated biochemical signals that are telling you to do the opposite. It’s why neither of them work.

        You will eat the donut.
        You will have sex.
        Nature always wins.

        I don’t expect the original poster to be (even her definition of) perfect. I expect the poster to admit the delusion of trying to please (by abstaining) the very CREATOR that created and
        continues the urges to do whats “natural”. I also expect the poster to stop claiming that the constant failure of this is somehow progress. It isn’t. It’s just passing time until she gets married.

        But so what, right? I ain’t judging. I used to be her. I grew to understand that you WILL do what you say you won’t. It is about choices in real time. Overall rules NEVER work. This is
        why “spiritual” people appear hypocritical. They’re not, just a little delusional about how complicated they are and how (way too) simple their rules are.

        1. High Five I don’t think it’s cool to down play her doing her best to adhere to the bible and be true to her faith and moral beliefs. She’s not at all delusional. There are probably more people than we realize who are attractive and who are virgins. My old college roommate was a virgin the entire time we were in college. Now if she stayed a virgin or not, I don’t know. She’s married now to the very man she resisted, (even though she wanted him) and wouldn’t have sex with in college.
          I know her struggle because I lived with her and was there. She would literally go to the bathroom to call me when she was out on a date and tempted. She shared everything about what it was like to actually resist having sex when she wanted it as bad as the guy did. But she did it. For me it was like talking someone down off of a ledge who was contemplating suicide, but didn’t really want to die.
          With all the std’s being spread and people dying and women not being able to have children, I see nothing wrong with promoting abstinence. Oh and btw my college roommate was not a devout Christian. She believed in God and that was about it. Her parents never married but stayed together and had her. She made the choice to be abstinent until marriage for her own personal reasons. And at the time I encouraged her to stick to it. Everybody “appears hypocritical” when they don’t keep their word and practice what they preach. Don’t just point the finger at “spiritual people” and “Christians.” Men who want their daughters to stay chaste little virgins, but are manwhores are hypocritical, women who insist on a man being faithful and true and then go out and cheat left and right are hypocritical. I’ve known vegans who eat all kinds of junk food, but actually consider themselves “pure vegans” because they don’t eat meat. Yet they eat chips, candy, mac and cheese, put mounds of butter on bread and potatoes etc etc etc.
          At the end of the day, right is right, and wrong is wrong. We all know right from wrong, religious, spiritual or not. It’s a matter of us being able to do right when it feels better to do wrong.

        2. This statement: “trying to please (by abstaining) the very CREATOR that created and
          continues the urges to do whats “natural”.” is false. God did not create sin, nor did God create within us sinful ways and urges. He created us as human beings in his image, and likeness.
          If you study the bible and properly interpret it, we chose to sin. God gave us freedom of choice. We can choose good, or evil, and we can choose to do the right thing, or the wrong thing. God does not force anything on us, not even his own ways and teachings. It’s not Gods fault when we choose to do the wrong things. We have the power, and ability within us to do right, just like we do wrong. Just like people do wrong all the time, there are people that do the right thing all the time.
          When God gives us instructions it’s up us to follow them or not.
          There are people that choose good over bad most of the time. Abstaining isn’t just about pleasing God. In fact, the things people do in Gods name, when they follow their moral principles are not just about pleasing God, it’s about that persons greater good, and protection. The commandments and laws of the bible were created for a reason. Study the reasons why the bible says that God wants us to abstain from sexual morality. Obviously there are consequences to the wrong things that we do that God is trying to protect us from. It’s not at all about us pleasing God, but God trying to protect us, and save us from ourselves; and God trying to ensure that we live a fruitful, and abundant life, where we’re not just “euphorically happy,” but we have unspeakable joy, and everlasting life.
          God loves us so that he wants the best life for us. This is why it displeases God when we sin, because we suffer. We are his children, and the sheep of his flock, and like any other father he doesn’t like seeing us suffer harsh consequences that could be avoided if we just keep his commandments, adhere to his teachings, and be obedient to his word.

        3. “nor did God create within us sinful ways and urges.”

          That all depends on your worldview now doesn’t it?

          If God creates and sustains us as humans, then God is ultimately responsible for what we feel and want… unless you believe that we control ourselves

          This is what Job ultimately said…and why it’s the greatest book in the history of religious books. #ireadthewholebook #notjustthesundayschoolpart

          We split on this because I don’t believe in definitive right and wrong. Right and wrong are dependent on the situation and only evaluated by the results. She believes that it is a sin, yet keeps doing it. That very fact speaks volumes about her humanity. Her delusion is her un-willingness to accept it.

          You’re calling, what’s natural, “sin”. Maybe it is, (whatever) but she can’t quit doing it. Your testimony doesn’t provide an answer as to why.

        4. “nor did God create within us sinful ways and urges.”

          That all depends on your worldview now doesn’t it?

          If God creates and sustains us as humans, then God is ultimately responsible for what we feel and want… unless you believe that we control ourselves

          This is what Job ultimately said…and why it’s the greatest book in the history of religious books. #ireadthewholebook #notjustthesundayschoolpart

          We split on this because I don’t believe in definitive right and wrong. Right and wrong are dependent on the situation and only evaluated by the results. She believes that it is a sin, yet keeps doing it. That very fact speaks volumes about her humanity. Her delusion is her un-willingness to accept it.

          You’re calling, what’s natural, “sin”. Maybe it is but she can’t quit doing it. Your testimony, (though inspirational) doesn’t answer that.

  5. @Bree
    “nor did God create within us sinful ways and urges.”

    That all depends on your worldview now doesn’t it?

    If God creates and sustains us as humans, then God is ultimately responsible for what we feel and want… unless you believe that we control ourselves

    This is what Job ultimately said…and why it’s the greatest book
    in the history of religious books. #ireadthewholebook #notjustthesundayschoolpart

    We split on this because I don’t believe in definitive right
    and wrong. Right and wrong are dependent on the situation and only evaluated by the results. She believes that it is a sin, yet keeps doing it. That very fact speaks volumes about her humanity. Her delusion is her un-willingness to accept it.

    You’re calling, what’s natural, “sin”. Maybe it is but she can’t quit doing it. Your testimony (though inspirational) doesn’t answer that.

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