14 Reasons Why Each Team Should Win the NBA Lottery Tonight
Before I even get started, please take a moment to drink in the majesty of the above picture…
I played the NBA Lottery Simulator on ESPN.com and got this on the FIRST try. Clearly the Pistons will win the Lottery today. DON’T YOU DARE RUIN THIS FOR ME!
Ok, so the NBA Lottery is this evening, and for hopeful fans of losers, this is our Super Bowl.
In every sport, there can only be one winner. That means about 97% of us end the season on a sour note. Some earlier than others.
But the Lottery is why we keep coming back. Hope is what makes thousands of Sacramento Kings fans spend millions of dollars a year. ”Maybe this will be the year!” “If X and Y and Z happen, and A and B and C don’t happen…we can make the playoffs!”
Will never happen. But today, we don’t care. We have hope.
Hope got Barack Obama elected. Hope made us believe Kendrick Lamar could match good kid m.A.A.d city. Hope is everything.
So in the spirit of spreading hope and cheer on Lottery Day. Here is a reason why every eligible team should win it this evening (in order of their odds to actually win):
Minnesota Timberwolves –
Because the people in Minnesota are super nice. True story…I worked with a woman from Minnesota a few years ago and she signed off every email with:
Smiles! How can you hate that? You smile just reading the word smile. They deserve the #1 pick.
New York Knicks –
Racking my brain here…hmmmmm….
Because it would be truly hilarious to see them mess it up. The schadenfreude of watching Knick fans melt down on Twitter is too good. I’m sorry.
Philadelphia 76ers –
To see if their GM Sam Hinkie is a genius because he is taking the idea of creating a great team to its extreme…or if he’s a genius because he basically made himself un-fireable.
At this point, the owner has to keep him around to see if his “bad on purpose” strategy will work out. That’s seven years of guaranteed job security! I see you, Hinkie.
Los Angeles Lakers –
Again, I’m at a loss. Hmmmmm…maybe to shut their fans up on Twitter. I get it, you guys used to be good. You guys always figure it out.
Your team also sucks right now. Deal with you shame in silence like the rest of us.
Orlando Magic –
Because they have a young fun team. I’d love to see them get younger and funner.
Sacramento Kings –
Because their owner might be insane. Will he poll the public and end up drafting a promising three-year old first? Maybe!
Denver Nuggets –
Because their team is super depressing. They need some good news.
Detroit Pistons –
Because I might ascend to heaven as soon as it’s announced. Earth is cool and all, but I think I’d rather watch from heaven.
Charlotte Hornets –
Because Michael Jordan is the owner, and he gave us the 11’s, Space Jam, and this meme:
Miami Heat –
Because I fux with the Dan LeBatard Show. The Heat don’t really deserve the #1 pick. They already have amazing weather, an ocean and all of the world’s most beautiful people. But the LeBatard Show is dope. And we might get another rant out of it.
Indiana Pacers –
Because they would continue to be the most boringly effective team in the past couple years without it (no longer the Spurs). So if I have to watch them, I’d rather they had another young, exciting player. Just in case Paul George’s leg doesn’t work yet.
No more Roy Hibbert and David West midrange jumpers.
Utah Jazz –
Because drafting Frank Kaminsky first overall could break Twitter.
Phoenix Suns –
Because they hired an inexperienced coach and it’s not their fault they play in the West. If they switched conferences they might still be playing. Let’s see what they do with the #1 pick.
Oklahoma City Thunder –
Because you have to root for them. They have had the absolute worst luck over the past few seasons, and we were all really excited for them to take over the league after the 2011 Finals.
The Harden Debt is paid. Let’s pull that championship window open a little wider.
There you have it. The reason why each team should win the Lottery tonight. Who do you want to win? Who do you think will win? You aren’t one of those people who think this is fixed, are you?
Let me know in the comments below!