Home Featured Why Does It Seem Like Men Have Relationship A.D.D.?

Why Does It Seem Like Men Have Relationship A.D.D.?

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Women are constantly struggling to understand the disappearing man, the reappearing man, the catch him if you can man, or the man who just doesn’t seem to get it. I understand. It’s frustrating. Why can’t he just sit still? Why won’t he just follow through? Why did suddenly stop calling or texting?

It’s simple. Some men really do have A.D.D. when it comes to dating. They seemingly can’t pay attention long enough to follow a potential relationship all the way through for some reason or another. It causes everyone in the situation pain and frustration because it’s not that he lost interest, he just didn’t have the attention span needed for it to pan out.

There’s a handful of reason that I’ll discuss later in the post today why this can potentially happen. I’ll be the first to say, “maybe he’s just not that interested” is not the best reasoning. It could potentially be that but it’s possible that it isn’t. Also, be careful not to think anything is wrong with you when a man has a wayward attention span. (Keep in mind, it may be you but still…) It’s always possible that you’re perfectly fine but just not for him. It’s also possible that the timing just wasn’t the best.

  1. He’s too busy to date – Let’s get this one out of the way first. It really is possible for someone to be too busy to date. Men and women alike run into this situation. Sometimes, dating/marriage may be a priority for you but it isn’t feasible for him at the time. It would be nice if these men would remove themselves from the dating pool but we can’t force them.
  2. He’s not sure exactly what he wants – Everyone at one point or another in their life is not sure what they want out of a significant other. Their mind can change very quickly and drastically. One day he wants a fun girlfriend, the next day he wants the woman he plans to marry. It’s really hard to tell. If this is the case, he’ll spend only a few moments in one situation before hopping to the next.
  3. He has too many options – I’ve been preaching this for a long time. It’s really hard to make a decision and follow through on it if you have too many options to consider. It takes some men their whole lives to realize that having a stable is the most unproductive practice in the game. It’s best to have a small handful with clear delineations so you can make the pick on what’s best for you. However, some men dare to be different.
  4. You’re easy to forget about – Some women consider themselves low maintenance and laid back. They prefer to say that they go with the flow and don’t need a lot of attention to be happy. Be careful with that. If you go too far with that you’ll end up in this zone of being forgettable. You shouldn’t be attempting to stay all up in his face but don’t seep into darkness.
  5. He actually has a short attention span – There are some men who can’t focus on anything in their lives longer than a short period of time. If this trend permeates itself through multiple facets of his life then it will most likely affect his relationships too.
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I’d like to have a handful of recommendations to share but I don’t. I think that it will really come down to whether you want to have the patience to work through it or if you want to move on sooner than later. I wouldn’t fault anyone for doing either. In the end, if there’s anyone who knows that he has A.D.D. when it comes to relationships, it’s him.

Dr. J

Comment(27)

  1. I second that Gray. A few other reasons I think men choose not to be consistent with any one woman are: some men are not the faithful type because they simply don’t want to be. They choose to always have a variety of women to “play” with. They know they can’t ever really be faithful to one woman, so they never commit to any one woman; (at least not until they feel absolutely ready to). Another reason is that men are afraid. Some don’t like to admit it, but falling in love, being vulnerable, and giving your heart to and committing to one woman is scary as hell for many men.
    It took an ex boyfriend of mine several months to admit that he was in love with me, and getting him to say it was literally like pulling teeth…smh. You would have thought it was something major like he was married or had AIDS.
    But for him, it was really difficult to admit because made him feel very vulnerable and open to getting hurt. And nobody wants to get hurt or played, including men. Number 4 I can’t see being very likely, unless he has, and is exercising all of his options. Or unless the woman does a bad job of keeping in touch and being present in the courtship, in which case she may not be all that interested.
    There are also men who don’t want the responsibility of the “good woman” who has high standards and expectations. I’ve experienced this personally, and my uncle is this type of man. He admitted to me many years ago the “real” reason why he never married the woman he knew was the best woman for him, and that he loved, was that he knew he wasn’t the type of man who could meet her expectations. He had no desire to be the man she wanted and needed him to be which was: highly successful, consistently responsible, mature, and conscientious.
    He just wasn’t that dude and had no desire to be. Granted my uncle has always been a “good guy” who treated women well. But there is a certain type of man that certain types of woman want. Not to mention they have certain expectations of that man. Some men don’t want to be held to these expectations and do not want that kind of accountability. They are content to do whatever it is that makes them happy and that’s all. They have no desire to be anymore that what they are, or give anymore than what they give.
    I think the biggest reason why men go in and out is simply because they can. I’ve learned that no matter the age, there are a many very immature people out here who have the minds of children and teenagers.
    I’ve also learned that people will do to you exactly what you allow them to do. So if you allow a man to come in and out of your life as he pleases, then he will do just that; simply because he can.

    1. I definitely agree with most of what you’ve stated. I initially wrote a post that stated awaiting SBM approval, but it disappeared….keeps disappearing uggh! Any-who, men act like that because they have too many options, and women are more easily to bend to meet their needs as opposed to upholding her own. There are women who claim to have a similar mentality, yet desire a deeper connection…. The reality is women and men typically look for the serious relationships at different points in their lives. When you’re young you’re simply learning and evaluating experiences as you go. I actually prefer that a man not find it easy to say, “I love you”. When he does say it I’ll know it’s genuine. That’s more of my method as well. However, when a man wants a relationship he will offer that woman her desires and then some. He will most definitely defy every A.D.D option above.

      Most of what you described were men with selfish intentions. These men probably mislead desperately seeking love, women who end up being on an emotional roller coaster. Follow his actions not his words. When he shows you he is not serious, why would you take it seriously? Move on or learn to just enjoy without expectations. LOL! I have yet to master this.

      1. The reality is women and men typically look for the serious relationships at different points in their lives.” Gray that’s nothing but the truth right there. I agree with moving on, or learning to enjoy without expectations. Yes this is easier said, than done. I am able to do this more often than not. Not sure that I mastered it, but I can do it fairly quickly, and easily when necessary. However, I’m not so sure that it’s a good thing. Based on what I see from people who have been together for close to a decade, or longer. They have all been through some pretty serious stuff together. They went through a lot to get to the point they are at now. I do not have the patience and tolerance to go through too much “stuff” for too long. Granted I know relationships aren’t easy and take work. I’m willing to do my fair share of the work. But I have less than zero tolerance for bs. So I have yet to make it to even a half a decade long relationship.

  2. This post was over at “maybe he’s just not that interested”.

    That was it.

    Nothing more.

    Finished.

    But no, then the author had to go and soften the truth… (which is just a long way of lying.)

    The author and I both know that the woman we are interested in will never have this “ADD” complaint.

    Once the author waxes on with this “list” he only leaves the
    gate open for comments about male commitment-phobia, immaturity, playas, blah, blah…ehhghghg

    But, hey, a “He’s just not that interested post” might not get the clicks…I get it.

    1. >>>>This post was over at “maybe he’s just not that interested”<<<<<
      I would have to agree with this but it could be argued if he is just not that interested, why is he tying down someone in a relationship to begin with?
      I honestly believe that a lot of people in relationships should probably just NOT be in a relationship either at that time…for a longer period of time…or whatever. But due to people being 1) codependent 2) socialized/coerced/pressured in to relationships, you find a lot of people in them who ACT as if they really do not want to be in them.
      I think it is important to recognize this instead of trying to get people to act like we want them to act. It sounds simple in words, but not always in practice, I get that.
      I think people need to really comprehend and accept that it is OK to not be in a relationship; it doesn't mean 'something is wrong with you, if you aren't' – it just means that a relationship may not be the thing for you at that given time [or ever].
      But its a hard pill for folks to swallow because we are taught and expected to want to be mated up, if you will.

      1. “why is he tying down someone in a relationship to begin
        with?”

        You ask this because the title and the actual content of the
        post are disjointed.
        The post is about dating, yet the title has the word “relationship”. I think you saw that word and instantly went into defense mode. I don’t blame you, I mean look at @Bree’s post….sheesh!

        @Gray had the right idea. A man has dating “ADD” when he doesn’t care or as the author put it, “not interested”.

        “Why can’t he just sit still? (hilarious) Why won’t he just
        follow through? Why did suddenly stop calling or texting?”

        …cause (lil mama) you ain’t the one.

        The post is about dating and the inability to “pay attention long enough to follow a POTENTIAL relationship”.

        1. I don’t see actual relationship in this topic. I see a man looking for fun at his convenience… The only person to have an issue with this is the person looking for a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one with them.

        2. “I see a man looking for fun at his convenience” I concur Gray. I also concur with Dr. J’s list, however I think it goes much deeper than just a short attention span. I think everyone makes great points. The simple, short answer at the end of the day is simply, he’s just not that into her. Because if he was, he would show it. Also the man may not be interested in a serious relationship at all, but he still wants to hit. Of course he won’t share the truth because that could jeopardize his chances of hittin it. So he plays the part to get what he wants. Simple as that.

      2. J2daT cosign on all that right there bruh.
        Many, many, many, many, people need to just stay single for a long while.

    2. High Five there are many many reasons why a man is in and out of a woman’s life, and/or never really fully commits to a woman.
      I don’t think “he’s just not that into you” applies to a man who is with a woman for many many years, yet never ever marries her. Or a man who is married for more than 10 years, cheats or leaves and divorces for whatever reason, then fairly quickly gets with another woman.

      1. “I don’t think “he’s just not that into you”
        applies to a man who is with a woman for many many years, yet never ever marries her.”

        The post is about dating.

        Even more, it’s about why he’s not seeing you as an option
        for a “potential relationship” Reasons #1,2,3 and 4 are ALL LIES…and #5 is just some made up BS.

        You women really live with this idea that we REALLY like you
        but …1,2,3 and 4. No. It’s not true.

        If you are a victim of 1234 or 5…he don’t really like you
        like that…sorry

        Remember, Hitch said this about women and it’s true for men
        as well.

        If he’s really into you…

        He will make time/ he will be sure /you’ll be the only option/
        he’ll think about you all the time.

        1. High Five, I would like to think that intelligent, educated, handsome, and fairly decent men have better things to do than to mislead a woman for any length of time just to get some azz.
          I can’t see a man who has his valuable time to lose, and nothing to gain dating a woman indefinitely on and off. I can’t see men spending time with a woman in any capacity, even if it’s just sitting at her house watching movies, or her at his place, if he has no interest in that woman. This makes no sense. The only reason I could see why a man would spend any amount of time with a woman, if as you stated, he is seriously “not into her at all” is that he is getting something from that woman, and using her. I don’t personally know any men who are that pressed. Most all of the men I know seriously value their time. The last thing they will do is waste a second of it with a woman they have zero interest in. This is why I see such a huge hole in your theory of a man not being into a woman that he’s dating, even if the contact is “inconsistent.” It begs the question, why does he continue to be around her, and why does he waste his time with her? Why does he even bother if he knows for sure there is no future with this woman, because he has zero interest in her, (beyond some possible superficial reason like looks).
          So please help me understand, and make sense of your theory.

        2. “I would like to think that intelligent…men have better
          things to do than to mislead a woman…just to get some azz.”

          Yet it happens all the time. It’s the content driver of all dating blogs.

          Stop arguing it and just accept it as fact.

          This is just the cycle of dating. The point is to find the
          one (who thinks that you’re the one) at the correct time, mutually. Until then, we all (men and women) potentially waste each other’s time.

          You understand my theory; you just conveniently act like you don’t. And if by chance you have never accepted a drink, date or gift from a dude that you knew you were not that into; well congrats. You’re the exception and not the rule.

          “The last thing they will do is waste a second of it with a woman they have zero interest in.”

          Why is everything so black/white with you? Zero interest doesn’t exist. There is always some, just not as much on the level of “the one”. Until “the one” comes along, I’ll take sex, attention, dates, phone calls, etc. from the “not quite the one”.

          Another thing; why do women argue against my theory? It’s a sure fire litmus test! But, no, you’d rather make it murky and convoluted.

        3. High Five I’m not arguing at all. And yes men do mislead women for sex, but if they don’t get what they want, typically they bounce. It’s not that serious, and there are too many fish in the sea. Where one says no, there are five that will say yes. If your taking sex, attention, dates, and phone calls from someone, that pretty much constitutes as a relationship; especially from the womans point of view. I think you may be confusing people who get into relationships with the wrong person or at the wrong time, and later on down the line, the relationship ends. Sometimes the best relationships end for one reason or another. It’s life. That’s not what I’m speaking of. I completely understand why some men, (and women) seem to have “relationship A.D.D. And the reasons Dr. J listed are accurate, and I know people who they are applicable to. However, let’s be clear. Most people will only date someone they have minimal interest in but for so long, unless they’re getting something out of it.
          Now if that person is getting some benefit from spending time with that person, that’s a different story. For ex, a friends with benefits situation; “benefits” being the operative word. We all know what the “benefits” are. I don’t know anybody who gives something for nothing. In most every relationship there is give, and take. One or both people are getting something out of that relationship. It’s not that it’s necessarily black and white, it’s common sense. Imo it’s beyond pressed to continually waste time with someone you have minimal, or little to no interest in whatsoever, and your getting nothing from spending time with that person, and you would rather be doing something else, possibly with someone else. Of course there are “scrubs” out here who don’t have a life, and have nothing better to do than be with just anyone just to have some company. But the good, decent, attractive, educated, quality people out here with good sense, definitely have better things to do than waste their time on anyone they don’t have much interest in for very long.

        4. “accepting a drink, date or gift from a dude that you knew you were not that into;” is completely different than dating someone for a period of time and hanging out with them. One date is one date. Sometimes the first or second date is the last, but to say you’ve dated someone for several months that you had very little interest in beyond sex, or something superficial, and your not having sex with that person or getting anything from them besides their time, makes one question your reasons why.
          Many good relationships sometimes have an expiration date. So if good relationships can expire and run their course at some point, then definitely dating someone your not that into should expire much more quickly. Therefore there shouldn’t be very much time to be wasted. Time is a very precious commodity, and at the end of the day, sometimes that’s all we have.

  3. So we’re just going to ignore the obvious here huh?
    The truth is, most women (people in general really) are rather boring once you get to know them beyond a surface level. There is quite a bit of group think and collective behavior. The things you think make you unique really aren’t all that exclusive. Ultimately, you end up being just like the last girl (or five or whatever).

    1. Or Cory maybe the problem is flighty people who get bored to quickly and easily, and don’t know how to be content with just one person for a long period of time.

      1. “Bored too easily” is a relative term. What’s interesting to you might not be interesting to others. That was included in the statement. If people around you find you to be dry and uninteresting you can’t really just say “you’re wrong”. Well I guess technically you can but you would ultimately be talking to yourself because they would have exited your boring presence by then. You walk a fine line when you start trying to dictate what other people should find interesting and/or attractive.

        1. I see your point Corey. I was like this as a child though. I lost interest as soon as the newness wore off of my toys, clothes and jewelry. I was constantly asking my grandparents, parents and anyone else in my family willing to spoil me for new things.
          My interest waned fairly quickly. It was almost as if I wanted what I didn’t have, then once I had it I enjoyed the newness of it, more than the thing in and of itself, then after the “newness” wore off and the new thing became and old thing, I could care less about it and was on to something new that I saw and wanted. Imo, with regards to dating and relationships, this is comparable to people who are more in love with the “the idea” of being in love and having a significant other, or “the idea” of being married, than the actual person they are with.
          This is the theory I was referring to when I said people get “bored too easily.” Keep in mind, anything in excess is typically never a good thing. So if you constantly lose interest in relationships fairly quickly and easily, then it’s probably safe to say that it’s you, not the people your dating. And imo, this is not a good characteristic to have. How do you expect to ever have a lasting, and fulfilling relationship with anyone if you can’t maintain an interest in any one person ever…….?
          I’ve learned from the married people that I know, (and people who have “common law” marriages) that the key to staying happy in your marriage is to learn to “reinvent the wheel” so to speak. Learn to keep the spark alive, and find creative and innovative ways to keep things fresh and new in your relationship. To me, that’s the fun part that I would enjoy the most. If this is something your unwilling to do in your relationship imo, it’s a sign of laziness.

        2. Corey, I completely understand that we are not everyone’s cup of tea. However, the idea is that you date the people your most compatible with; people with whom you have common interests. You get with and stay with like-minded people. Even if that person is your “opposite” in some ways, the differences complement one another. For ex, in area’s where your weak, the other person is strong, and vice versa. Or that person brings out the best in you, and vice versa.
          So having said that, if you’ve chosen to be with someone that your truly compatible with, and that is the best match for you, then losing interests in that person should be the least of your problems.
          Personally, I’ve never lost interest in any ex-boyfriend or man I’ve seriously dated. There were other reasons why those relationships ended, but losing interest, and general compatibility was never an issue.

    2. Even if you did manage to find “the one” you want to spend the rest of your life with, forever is a very long time. Sometimes, you have to take the initiative to keep the spark and fun in things, and keep things from getting monotonous.

  4. Such a irritation ugh….. “he’s just not in to you” & “he’s not interested” and its as simple as that….in the beginning of the “dating process” you may meet a man or men who will fall into each one of those points above. My thing is for women, continue being and doing you and if he’s interested all of those points above will disappear. Let him make the choice to change in order to be with you. Accept him for who he is & let him or them know that you truly accept them and remain un-bothered.

    Im not trying to be rude and or sound disrespectful but lets be honest men are idiots when it comes to “dating/women/relationships” once you understand that and accept that it will make dealing with these men soooooo much easier.

  5. I think that a lot of young men really don’t care about women until they feel that they’ve been ‘put down’ for an upgrade. I’ve had this situation several time in which a man acted interested in me and when I finally showed some interest, he disappeared. When I am seen talking with another man (even only as a friend), then the ‘disappearing’ man shows up or texts me “who were you talking to? Is that a boyfriend?” even though I was never officially in a relationship with the ‘disappearing man’.

    The worst case was when a very educated man, who happened to be Black, stated that he was interested in me but he did everything that Dr. J’s article says. Concluding that he was not interested in me, I moved on (luckily, I don’t intimacy before marriage, so the only thing that I lost was time). All of a sudden, when I ended up with an actual boyfriend who happens to be White and even more successful that my Black ‘ex friend’, all of a sudden, he kept asking questions about our relationship. Eventually, I told him that it was inappropriate for him to keep asking personal questions because our relationship was serious (the new boo is planning marriage and has even began to apply for promotions so that he can have money for a nice house for our “marriage and future children” – his words exactly). My Black ‘ex friend’ became enraged for a little while and then began to constantly call and text me as if he were interested again and complimenting me on my appearance (sometimes in a vulgar manner – talking about my curves) and everything. Again, I told him that this was inappropriate and that, if we were going to be friends, he needed to treat me as he would treat a married woman. The last straw was when he said “are you saying that I’m a threat to your relationship?” I felt that he was purposely contacting me at odd times to try to make it appear that I was having an affair and for that reason, among others, I cut off all contact and blocked his number. The creepy thing is that, blocks fall off every six months with my service, and as soon as the six months were up, he began texting me literally on the day that it fell off and tried to call me but I did not answer. It seems that he became obsessed with me simply because he thought that I “upgraded”.

    I’ve experienced mild forms of this situation, but this was the far worst.

    I agree with the writer of this article that a man might just not be interested, but why the sudden interest when a woman moves on?

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