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Can You Upgrade from an Ex?


Is there ever really a such thing as an upgrade or downgrade in dating and if there is what is the criteria for an upgrade?

Of course when you break up with an ex, most of us don’t want to see them move on with someone more attractive, more accomplished or with more money- that’s considered an upgrade. You stalk an exes social media in anticipation inevitably of when they move on and find someone else, better. We’d all like to believe that “they’ll never find any one better than me?” I sometimes wonder, if we’re so fixated on what our exes are doing outside of us, we might as well get back together. Obviously, the past isn’t in the past if we’re worried about an ex’s new swag.

Then you could say there is no such thing as an upgrade or downgrade, there are only different experiences. Someone might just have other things to offer that an ex didn’t possess. Good people are just good people, and you may have found a more suitable match, which doesn’t make an ex worse or of lesser value. One objective with every relationship should be to inherently upgrade yourself and your decision making. Each experience should be a lesson, a lesson in learning to love better. You should have the ability to be a better version of you, to be capable of not making the same mistakes you did in the past and to bring wealth to a new relationship.

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The talk about upgrading or downgrading is also tricky, because you can get back with an ex and upgrade/downgrade. What if your ex had other experiences in-between your last foray or learned from the mistakes you guys made in the past? Would it be an upgrade if they were able to love you better the next time, the way you always deserved, the way you wanted them to love you all along?

I think you can upgrade or downgrade. But an upgrade is dependent upon the success or potential success of the new relationship. Attractiveness, money or superficial things can contribute to this but more important factors are kindness, wisdom, love, communication, commitment, care, etc. It’s not the things that you can see(usually shallow) that make the next relationship an upgrade, but pillars of the emotional and spiritual connection are the deciding factors. Your ability to pick a better match for you is moreso an upgrade in who you now are as a person, than an indictment on who your ex was- you’ve upgraded yourself.

What’s your opinion can you upgrade or downgrade? If you can what’s the criteria? Has a rekindled relationship with an ex been an upgrade or downgrade for you? Do you believe Ciara upgraded? Are we too concerned with what our exes think to find true love?

-TheSUNK.com(the Sh*t U Need 2 Know)

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  1. Of course there is a such thing as a dating upgrade. I think the intent is to always TRY to upgrade. Whether or not that’s possible for a given person is debatable. I would think the worst case scenario is when you realize you maxed out previously and you’re having trouble getting close to that prior peak. Lol

  2. I guess its a matter of semantics, as I just don’t see a more compatible partner as anything more than that. Every encounter is an experience, and we should learn from those experiences. An upgrade makes it seem as if there is a need to draw a comparison. I feel once a relationship is done its done. I don’t go backwards nor do I find the time to keep obsessing over my ex. If one is doing that then he or she needs to heal before moving on to the next relationship.

    1. Gray you must have ESP…N. LOL….cause I swear I was thinking the same as you…its just semantics. Its all a matter of how compatible you are and more importantly what works for you. I also never really compare present to past, at least not consciously. Since we’re using the word ‘upgrade’ I read it more as trying to get as close as possible to whats best for you.

  3. “One objective with every relationship should be to inherently upgrade yourself and your decision making. Each experience should be a lesson, a lesson in learning to love better.”
    “It’s not the things that you can see(usually shallow) that make the next relationship an upgrade, but pillars of the emotional and spiritual connection are the deciding factors. Your ability to pick a better match for you is moreso an upgrade in who you now are as a person, than an indictment on who your ex was- you’ve upgraded yourself.”
    Couldn’t agree with you more on this Sunk. This is the stuff that needs to be in these relationship books and articles.
    It’s a shame that not enough people realize that the time that your single, is the time for you to “upgrade yourself,” and work on making yourself better for the next person, (and for you). It’s not just about finding a better person than your ex to “one-up” them, and gloat.
    And it’s definitely imperative that valuable lessons are learned. Even if your still unsure about what to do, you know what not to do the next time around.
    People upgrade and downgrade all the time. However, many times, people upgrade for all the wrong reasons.
    The criteria should be: making sure the same mistakes are not repeated with the new person, finding a better match for yourself after working on yourself to be a better you, not carrying baggage from the old relationship into the new, forgiving your ex, and forgiving yourself for any past discretions, and being able to completely move on. Downgrading should only be applicable if you initially chose your ex for superficial wrong reasons. For ex, you realize that being with the finest, sexiest mate, and/or one who is very wealthy, and can only offer you material things isn’t everything. And your future choices are more practical and sensible, especially as you mature and grow as a person.
    I know nothing about Ciara’s new love. But I hope she did upgrade to a man who doesn’t lie to her and cheat on her, (if that was really the case with Future).
    Yes we do get to concerned with what our ex’s are doing initially after a break up. This is natural human behavior though. Most people can’t quickly and easily turn off feelings of deep love for someone. If you were truly in love with that person, and loved them, you will still care for a while.
    Eventually though, you should care less and less. Each individual has their own timetable regarding how long it takes them to “get over” an ex. However, the passage of time should, using your time wisely, and focusing on yourself should make the transition much smoother and easier. I think we all take some time to stop caring as much as we used to about an ex, (even if they’ve wronged us,) but after a while we don’t care anymore and can move on to better things, and better people.

  4. I am in my first real relationship because due to my refusal of intimacy before marriage, most of my other instances were ‘situationships’. That being said, I think that an ex can upgrade – maybe not so much as in appearance but in motivation and treatment. In my situationships, I was treated horribly – insulted, told that I’m ugly, mind games, etc. However, now that I am in a real relationship, many of those guys act obsessed with me (especially one of them).

    I believe that it’s okay to not like someone anymore, but if that person ‘upgrades’ – PLEASE do not become obsessed over it. Let it go and move on.

  5. Wow, I feel so bad for you. Even worse that you had someone to “cast a love spell” on him. I’m a believer that marriage is once,til death do you part, but no way would I pine for a man that walked away from me, disrespectfully. Not even like a man to sit down and say it face to face. I don’t think that I would want that back. But hey, that’s just me and how I esteem myself.
    No way am I judging you, but you should have picked yourself up, prayed about me, asked for strength and moved on. And when the time came (because it would have come) that he approached me….for whatever reason, I would have taken the opportunity to tell him how I did not appreciate abandoning me, his wife and the vowe “we” took.
    I hope no one breaks Dr. Malaa’s spell. You’re going to be back at square one.


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