Home Featured You’re Alone Because You’re Alone

You’re Alone Because You’re Alone

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A lot of people shutter at the thought of going on vacation alone or having to live without companionship. There’s a host of things that people want to do but they don’t do simply because they feel they can’t do them without the presence of another individual. After having this conversation with a friend of mine earlier this week about a friend of hers, I determined that the simple answer to why people are alone is because they can’t be alone.

Let me explain.

Imagine you’re going on vacation. You want to go to an exotic beach in a faraway distant place but you have pause for concern because you know that you’ll be going alone. You’re not wanting to spend a week on the beach in Jamaica alone. Heck, let’s scrap the beach and imagine that you’re going to Paris. Paris is a very romantic city but you don’t want to go alone. What ends up happening is that you put off these great adventures until you have a significant other to travel with you.

To be honest, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It also might be the reason why you’re still single.

Walk with me.

What I find to be true very often is that people who are single are single because they aren’t ready to be in a relationship until they figure out how to be single. Relationships are not about dependency but more about interdependency which is very different. There are people whose relationship defines who they are as a person and they need it to exist. They need to be in a relationship to feel motivated to do anything in their life. They can’t even make it to the grocery store alone because without a companion they feel empty. I know this feeling, I’ve been there before.

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I had to change that behavior because it was putting me in a horrible place when I was single. I would get in ruts that I could not get out. The problem was that when you’re in a relationship and you depend on another person in the wrong way, it’s impossible to stand alone. The inability to stand alone then makes you unattractive when you’re single because it’s going to come across as needy. Earlier in the post I talked about a friend of a friend who is single only because she doesn’t know how to be single and happy.

When people find ways to be alone they begin to find themselves. They begin to show all the beautiful things about themselves that are hidden when you are living to conform to someone else’s liking. That’s what you need if you intend on finding a mate. I’ve never been attracted to anyone who I felt like was just a mirror of myself. I needed to see the person as an individual who was separate from me but I appreciated being with. That’s my recommendation, be a person that someone wants to be with and choose as a companion. What you can’t do is be a person that needs the other person to tell them how to be. It just won’t work.

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This means that you’re going to have to get used to being alone. You’re going to have to build courage to do things on your own. You’ll have to stop being lonely to stop being alone. If that doesn’t make sense to you, then I’m not sure your single status will ever change.

Comment(15)

    1. I plan to take a trip by myself as well Mr. SD.
      My only concern with doing that and going out of the country is my safety being a woman alone in a foreign country. So I plan to meet up with a friend of mine from St. Kitt when she goes back home. Since that’s her home country, I will feel much better being there with her. I’ll still go when I want, and leave when I want. She’ll be there for almost a month.

      1. That’s always a concern for those travelling along, especially women travelling alone, but even men rolling solo can be easy targets as well. I always strongly suggest rollilng with a travel club. There is one in particular that usually has a large group that goes ALL over – check out Mahogany Vacations. They aren’t the only ones. I don’t like living in fear but being cautious is always wise. Live your lives, people….and be safe while doing it 😉

        1. Thanks for the info J2daT. I’ll definitely check that out.
          I know a few travel meetups that travel as well.

        2. My bff traveled to France alone and had no issues and enjoyed herself very much. Maybe she looks more intimidating because she’s very tall, almost 6 ft, and over 6 ft tall with heels.

    2. I went to St.Croix and Costa Rica by myself and it was fun and relaxing. I met a lot of nice people too. Enjoy!!!

  1. I really dig this post Dr. J and give it A+ 1000. I guess because I grew up an only child, (my siblings are all step and we have different moms and they’re much younger than me) I got used to being alone. In fact, I revel in my solitude many times. I’m that person that has no qualms about going places alone. This first started to happen to me by default though. My friends and family didn’t always like the same things I liked, enjoy the same venues and activities I enjoyed. My mom and grandparents ingrained in me to be self motivated, a self thinker and independent. So I started going places by myself, determined not to miss out on anything just because I didn’t have anyone to accompany me.
    I found that I enjoyed venturing out alone. I met more interesting people, attracted cute guys, got bought more drinks, and got to do leave when I wanted without having to consider anyone else. I also didn’t have to wait on anyone who may be running late. Then I found that I quite enjoyed being at home alone, because I got to do what I wanted, how I wanted, and when I wanted. I actually enjoy going to the movies alone because nobody is in my ear talking to me when the movie starts. I hate when people talk during a movie I really like and am into. Inevitably for me, my enjoyment of solitude came slightly from a place of selfishness..lol.
    Unfortunately though, this has hurt a few of my previous relationships. I got so comfortable with my solitude, I almost forgot how to be with someone. I found myself wanting to be alone, more than with the other person. Had nothing to do with me not enjoying their company, just wanting to be alone to do my own things that I did when I was alone. Being alone started to become necessary for me, probably much like being with someone becomes necessary for people who always need someone around, and feel like they can’t function alone. I had to learn to enjoy being with other people, and spend time with other people, instead of just myself all the time. The ironic thing is, I’m very much a people person…lol (Go figure).
    So I guess I must be the polar opposite of people who always need to be around other people.

    1. Kudos for sharing, I am cut from similar cloth especially the only child thing and being comfortable in solitude to a fault sometimes.

  2. Nice article but there many reasons why adults find themselves alone and want either a friend or a significant other to share times with. While being alone is great at times there is nothing wrong with someone acknowledging they are lonely and is interested in actively looking to make new friends or date.

    1. Very true. Lonely is a state of mind. Alone is a physical state of being. I’ve known many in relationships that were quite lonely so being coupled isn’t necessarily the answer either and can be misleading to some. One should be able to enjoy their own company regardless and fearlessly explore the world [safely and within reason that you can by yourself if possible].

  3. Madrid dan Ramos Masih Belum Sepakat

    http://www.football-images.net/2015-07-30/d09185decaff038c8b016611463df294.jpg

    Agen Bola Terpercaya indo11.com melaporkan, Usai mengadakan pertemuan di Tiongkok, pihak Real Madrid dan Sergio Ramos mencapai kesepakatan mengenai kapan mereka akan mengadakan pertemuan berikutnya untuk membahas masalah kontrak baru.

    Menurut laporan, pertemuan tersebut akan digelar usai klub menjalani turnamen pra-musim Audi Cup, yang akan dimainkan di Munich pada 4 dan 5 Agustus.

    Pertemuan di Tiongkok, yang diadakan di Ritz Carlton Guangzhou, dihadiri oleh Florentino Perez, direktur Jose Angel Sanchez, Ramos, dan sang agen Rene. Dalam pertemuan tersebut, sang pemain mengungkapkan bahwa ia merasa amat kecewa terhadap sikap Madrid, yang membuatnya terlihat sebagai pemain yang semata-mata hanya mengutamakan uang di hadapan media.

    Rapat di Tiongkok sendiri tidak menghasilkan kesepakatan apapun, kecuali yang sudah disebutkan di atas. Situasinya masih tetap rumit. Ramos tetap ingin hengkang dari klub, meski Madrid percaya diri bisa memperpanjang kontrak sang pemain.

  4. Tak Pikirkan Uang, Tyson Fury Hanya Ingin Taklukan Klitschko

    http://www.football-images.net/2015-07-30/4d90db53b36336a9236a60345c7e0d69.jpg

    Agen Bola Terpercaya indo11.com melaporkan, Tyson Fury membeberkan target yang ingin dicapainya kala menghadapi Wladimir Klitschko. Petinju asal Inggris itu hanya ingin sukses menaklukan Klitschko, bukan untuk mencari uang yang banyak dari pertarungannya tersebut.

    Seperti diketahui, Fury bakal melakoni duel melawan Klitschko di Dusseldorf, Jerman, pada 24 Oktober mendatang. Pertarungan itu juga disebut-sebut bakal menjadi duel kelas berat tersengit untuk beberapa tahun terakhir.

    Pasalnya baik Tyson maupun Klitschko memang sudah terlibat perang komentar, bahkan sebelum jadwal pertarungan keduanya dirilis beberapa waktu yang lalu.

    “Saya hanya ingin membuat Wladimir merasakan hangatnya kanvas ketika pertarungan nanti berlangsung. Jadi, apabila ada yang mengatakan saya hanya ingin mencari uang dengan jumlah besar itu merupakan kebodohan,” ucap Tyson.

    “Lagi pula saya sudah memiliki rumah, mobil, jam tanggan yang bagus, serta jumlah uang yang banyak di Bank. Jadi untuk apa saya melakukan itu. Yang belum saya miliki adalah kenangan membuat Wladimir merasakan kesakitan, dan itu akan saya raih di pertarungan nanti,” tuntasnya.

  5. Abdennour Tagih Janji Presiden AS Monaco Untuk Pindah ke Barcelona

    http://www.football-images.net/2015-07-30/3b78c8d08b10a4d7ccf92f6f6916582b.jpg

    Agen Bola Terpercaya indo11.com melaporkan, Aymen Abdennour sekali lagi menegaskan bahwa ia amat ingin membela Barcelona, meski ia sadar bahwa keputusan akhir terkait nasib dirinya ada di tangan presiden AS Monaco.

    Abdennour masuk dalam radar transfer Blaugrana di musim panas ini, usai ia tampil apik di Ligue 1 musim lalu. Sebelumnya, pemain Tunisia tersebut sudah secara terbuka mengatakan ia siap bermain dan menjadi bagian dari skuat Camp Nou.

    “Presiden berjanji pada saya bahwa saya bisa pergi jika ada kesempatan seperti ini datang. Saya percaya bahwa ia akan memenuhi janjinya tersebut. Namun saya tidak akan memulai konflik dengan klub atau semacam itu,” tutur Abdennour.

    “Saya mengatakan bahwa saya ingin pergi ke klub. Itu wajar, namun saya kini masih berstatus pemain Monaco. Saya terus berlatih dan merasa baik-baik saja. Saya ingin terus fokus dan semua keputusan ada di tangan presiden. Saya masih terikat kontrak hingga 2019, saya tetap tenang,” pungkasnya.

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