Home Advice My Curiosity With A Single Mother Who Is Dating

My Curiosity With A Single Mother Who Is Dating

15

Yes yes! It’s really me and I’ve missed you way more than you have missed me.

But if you’ve missed me more I won’t complain. There are some things on my mind lately. Single mothers who actively date is a subject I don’t see enough written on. I have a fascination with the topic because I think there are two schools of philosophies on it. From my experiences with talking to some single moms, either nothing really changes in how you choose to date men, or whomever you choose to date is taken a lot more seriously.

Once I made this distinction, I began to wonder what having a child represented to all the moms who date. Maybe I should have surveyed some single mothers to add real answers to this post. That would’ve been smart, but I wanted this post to be interactive.  I’d like to know what makes a woman change her dating philosophy if anything.



Is getting pregnant a wake up call for some? Is the reality of single parenting more of a harsh reality for some? Does that revelation cause one to take how they date more seriously? Do other single mothers judge women who have kids but still continue less strict dating practices?

My curiosity stems from me being a single man who has gone out on dates with different single mothers through the years. I always find myself wondering what is expected from me in regards to dating. Should I always ask about the child and how they’re doing? Would that cause things to get deeper than I want too quickly? Are there women understanding of men who may need time to warm up to a kid?

See Also:  The Dating Questionnaire: How To Rid Yourself of Losers and Lames

There will be a variety of responses to all of this.

I think the reasons are obvious as to why a woman would want to not entertain any guy who wasn’t serious about her after having a child. Is there anything wrong with a woman who doesn’t mind not being serious with people whilst single parenting? I personally don’t see an issue with it as we’re free to live how we please. If you’re being a responsible parent then the rest I guess is irrelevant. I still pose this question to get a general consensus.

It’s my first week back so I hope I wasn’t too rusty. Ladies, please educate me. What are your views on single mothers dating? How do you/would you approach it? Let’s get into it.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer and podcaster on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS and @NegroPPodcast . Also, subscribe on iTunes to the Negro Please Podcast and visit our website here!

Comment(15)

  1. Hello! I have a blog site called happilydivorcedandafter.com and have various articles that talk about dating as a divorcee, single parent. Pros and cons of dating with a gent with kids and no kids. And recently I shared an article discussing the woes of dating as a single parent. Where the dates are aplenty. But you have to decipher between those who want to really try and build with you or those that are just want to pursue you sexually because why they are into you do not want the lifestyle of your kids and baby daddy relationship. In my experience, some guys are honest in the beginning and there are those who say they have dated a women with children in the past, but you have to be cautious on the types of dating they are referring to. As an 30 something woman that is divorce, I think the main difference now in my selection of men than before, is in search for other fellow divorcees/ single fathers who understand my schedule.

    1. That’s a great tactic to use, and a great response that satisfies some of my questions. Thanks so much for sharing. Has dating become more enjoyable now with how you currently see things?

      1. Actually being divorced for a couple of years. The optimism has faded. While I do meet men who are divorced and emphathize with my schedule, many are fresh divorced and enjoying post-marriage life. So my focus is meeting people and establishing friendships. Build slowly and truly vet the person out. After being married once you want to make sure that you don’t make the same prior mistakes. You become adjusted without a partner than earlier on as a fresh divorcee. Your not in such desperation to have a man in your life. You also don’t have the biological clock ticking. Maybe for marketability but you are fine with the kids you have and are fine with having another or not through blended family or creating with your new gent.

        1. Being a Single dad I have a similar issue when it come to someone understanding my schedule when it comes to dating. What I encounter is that often times when dating another single parent they will give you the “hey the kids are gone Im free” call but are not understanding to the fact though they may be free from their kids I am not free from mines, See being that they are use to dating men who do not have their children full time 24/7 they are use to having a man that is able to jump and come see them. and after a few times when I am unable to accommodate that i usually get the “you will make time for what you want” speech when I am doing nothing more than taking care of my 1st priority which are my children. Just want to give a single fathers point of view in this world of dating.

    2. I totally Understand what you are saying. Being a Single dad I have a similar issue when it come to someone understanding my schedule when it comes to dating. What I encounter is that often times when dating another single parent they will give you the “hey the kids are gone Im free” call but are not understanding to the fact though they may be free from their kids I am not free from mines, See being that they are use to dating men who do not have their children full time 24/7 they are use to having a man that is able to jump and come see them. and after a few times when I am unable to accommodate that i usually get the “you will make time for what you want” speech when I am doing nothing more than taking care of my 1st priority which are my children. Just want to give a single fathers point of view in this world of dating.

  2. Welcome back Pops. 🙂
    I think it depends on the individual. Various life situations affect everyone differently, there really is not much rhyme or reason to it. It depends on the woman as an individual, what she wants and needs, and what’s important to her. Also depends on her life experiences, upbringing, and how previous relationships, (including the one with the father of her child) have affected her. First thing to observe is the circumstances. Is the woman a single mom due to divorce, death of a spouse, or bf, bad relationship and never married, did she go through in-vitro because she badly wanted a child no matter what, did she choose to be a single parent, is her child adopted, or is the child or children foster kids? All those things make a difference in what she wants, and/or doesn’t want regarding dating and relationships.
    Also have to observe the type of person she is and her personality type. For some women having a child doesn’t change their life much at all. Some women have the support, and assistance of friends and family. Some women have a lot of freedom, despite them being single parents. Some women’s child’s father has primary custody of their child for whatever reason; So they have more free time.
    If the woman has no friends, family, and/or the child’s father to support it will make it very difficult for her to date from a practical standpoint. Also the child’s age can be a factor. Much harder to find childcare for babies and toddlers I think, as opposed to older more self sufficient children.
    You should take into consideration her relationship with the child’s father and his involvement in the child’s life, (or lack thereof).
    The situation could be different with every woman. Just have to know the ins and outs, and details and address and handle things accordingly.
    If I was a single mother I would have no problem dating. I would definitely date much more responsibly. I would be much more careful about who I dated. I would be more aware of what I wanted. I would probably be more relationship-minded and take dating more seriously. Sometimes when a woman already has a child, or children it can take some pressure off of her to have a kid, as opposed to a woman with no children that may be more serious about having a child and on more of a timetable. However, most every woman wants to give a man she’s with and plans to marry, or marries a child. She may feel like this will bond them closer and keep him closer to her, (even though this typically does not work).
    I wouldn’t be pressed to have more kids if I already had one.

  3. I’ve dated single moms and its the greatest! Well wait..its only great because you have a in depth view of the type of mother she is. Its gets no better then that. If you don’t have any kids yourself its definitely an adjustment. Kids come first, as they should. A good (single) parent will always put their child first, I know I do. But truthfully treat her as you would any other woman you’d date. Just go in with no predetermined expectations. Shes human, shes a person, she probably wants what you want. She just happens to be super woman/mom on top of all of that..lol

    1. I can dig that, the main adjustment is just understanding maybe y’all can’t do things on the spur of the moment like you might be able to with someone else.

  4. In my personal experience since being a mom I’ve only dated a couple of guys who just so happened to be fathers themselves. I didn’t plan it that way it just happened. I think it was easier than dating a guy with no kids because there was no awkwardness about how they should treat me and what they should expect. Either way, if the man I date has kids or not, I think the main change for me was taking my time. I became more patient with men and less likely to be suspicious if he was late for a date or had to reschedule. Having a child made me realize that sometimes stuff comes up last minute and sometimes men should be given the benefit of a doubt instead of being cussed out or cut off period. Ultimately, patience comes in handy when figuring out if he could be a suitable male influence in my child’s life. I would also want him to be comfortable with the fact that I have a child and would hope he does not feel pressured to be their father (I’m not sure if guys feel that way or not).

  5. Dating as a single mom is often tricky and the most important thing that women need to remember is that every man that you go out on a date with DOES NOT HAVE TO MEET YOUR CHILD! No one should meet you child until you have decided that you both are interested in something serious. I don’t care what Steve Harvey says! LOL!!

  6. In my case, growing up with six siblings, all within 10 years of each other, I was privy to a front row seat to the enormous demands made on my mother attending to her children’s need, so when my time came, I was sensitized to the issue. My wife and l had three kids in 7 years (BGB), so the demands on my wife’s time and attention were as such that upon returning home, I would insist that she go and get 8 or more hours of uninterrupted sleep because I understood how the disrupted sleep patterns reeked havoc on her energies and how this would at times, diminish the quality of the balance available for me and the kids.

    It helped that as a professional athlete, though I traveled often for games/endorsements,business etc., I did have five months off-seasons, so I was able to be very hands on with the little munchkins. I realized that when she wasn’t exhausted, she was a more loving and attentive wife and mother, so everyone benefitted from the division of labor. I used to tell her that it was important that she had some semblance of a life outside of the kids and I and l would shoo her off with her sister and best friend on a weekend getaway but she would end up calling even hour interrupting our cartoon marathons that she might as well stayed home….lol. We’d laugh about it as she would accuse me of just trying to build up good credit so that I could watch the NFL alone in the man cave.

  7. I have 3 kids. I have been single/left thier father 3 years ago. So when I started to ‘talk’ to guys I was figuring out what I wanted. It wasn’t till my daughter asked, “when is ‘so and so’ coming over?” It kind of broke my heart. That is when I realized my children are a part of the equation. The way I look at dating has changed. I have also formed a relationship with God and a relationship isn’t the goal anymore. I’m patient and selective of who I date. I listen carefully and take my time. I know my worth and what my children deserve and need. There are things that only a man can provide on so many levels. So I would like to end up with my happy ever after Lol. Even I know the sun doesn’t always shine.

  8. I think the way this post is written starts with the premise that there was something wrong with the way single mothers dated thus why they became single mothers. It perpetuates this feeling that the status of single motherhood is because of her actions taking any responsibility off the father.
    Yes single mothers will date for a lot of reasons and a lot of different ways, just like men. Some will date responsibly, some wont. But one thing for sure ( for me) the pressure of the ticking clock to date and make something happen w any dude in order to have a child is off, and it makes dating a little more chill.

LEAVE YOUR COMMENT

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Shares
Share This