Home Advice NetFlix And Chilling Tells A Small Story In The Book Of Dating

NetFlix And Chilling Tells A Small Story In The Book Of Dating

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We are in 2015 and the world is as trendy as it has ever been.

Everything seems to trend. The creation of memes and starter packs trend. The increase of people wearing joggers trend. The amount of grown men wearing wigs to impersonate women trends!! That’s who we are right now. Another trendy activity that has now taken the center stage is “Netflix and chill” sessions.

Netflix and chilling isn’t new to me (or any of us millennials for that matter). I was fortunate to live on campus as an undergrad and Netflix and chilling was your go to Kyrie to the basket move many times. It’s been a few years removed from my days on campus but Netflix and chilling is still as relevant as ever. So relevant that some feel it is now having a legitimate affect on how much effort a man puts in to gain a woman’s affection.



Talented writer Deja Jones wrote a piece on Madame Noire recently where she clearly stated that the overuse of Netflix and chilling has led to laziness on the man’s part. Read that piece here. She states that Netflix and chilling or at least it’s prevalence has lessened our creativity when it comes to going out on dates. I wholeheartedly agree with her. She’s right but Netflix and chilling is only one ingredient in this lazy ass n**** cocktail. There are some other factors that play a role. At the end of this post I think ladies will have a better idea of why things are happening the way that they are.

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First off, Ms. Jones made it a point to say that Netflix and chilling should not be the first thing you suggest to a woman as a date idea. In short, I agree. As a woman you can pretty much tell what may be on that guy’s mind at that point. If that is what’s on your mind with him too then by all means, cut through the chicanery and just Netflix and “chill.” This post is primarily for those whom this is just not enough for.

If Netflix and chilling isn’t enough for you then you probably shouldn’t tolerate the suggestion.

Here is why it has become such a quick suggestion these days. Badu says “we’ve been programmed ” in The Healer. I say this often, but we live in a viral world. People see the things that you do, the food you eat, the shows you see and they want to be a part of it. As men we have to be cognizant of that. Also, know that women see it all around them as well. They might figure, hey I’m trying to get down with some of that stuff too.

On top of that, I think that texting was the beginning of laziness in all of us.

Texting , and the increased conveniences of technology have led us to this point where Netflix and chilling is reigning supreme. It reigns supreme for a couple of reasons. For one, there are women who are not opposed to Netflix and chilling. As long as they exist there will be men still using that as a first date option. Another reason as to why men are approaching women with this stuff is because he might not want to date you seriously. A guy who really wants to build with a woman will not think twice about being imaginative or wooing her. He sees these acts as building for the future. The time he takes, the money he’ll spend he thinks is a real investment. Men don’t see casual relations as a reason to do a bunch of dates. There may be some men who don’t mind. I don’t mind once in a BLU BLUE. But it’s certainly not  something prevalent on my mind in that situation. This comes down to two people simply being clear about wants and expectations, nothing more and nothing less.

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With women wanting to go out and do more, you’ve got to deal with the guys who want to do that with you. If you want a boyfriend, you have to find the guy looking to set up that date. Don’t ever ask for that first date. I was speaking about that with a friend recently. If a guy wants to take you out, he’ll hint to it or he’ll ask you. If a guy doesn’t want to take you out then he just doesn’t want exactly what you want. I can’t say it any plainer than that. And if that be the case, then you know you can just move on.

Men are very deliberate whether it be do our benefit or our detriment. Either way, it’s through our behaviors that you can see what we’re trying to get at. There is no real way to get a guy who does not want to put forth more effort to put forth more effort. It is now up to you as a woman to say when enough is enough.

This Netflix and chill chapter will be known as a trend.

A microcosm of what dating was like in 2015. But the fundamental issues of increased technology and many women simply not demanding more may continue as we go into newer chapters of this dating story. Do men have to do better? Yes. But many of these men do do better with the people whom they want to do better with. That means that if you believe Netflix and chilling has stunted men’s imagination in dating then you’re right. it also means that it’s time to wait for the guy who has something different on the agenda. Start a new chapter of your own….if you will. Shout out to Dusty Rhodes right there.

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Has Netflix and chilling weakened the dating process?

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer and podcaster on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS and @NegroPPodcast . Also, subscribe on iTunes to the Negro Please Podcast and visit our website here!

Comment(29)

  1. Great post, like you stated earlier it shouldn’t be a 1st date option. Now if you have been out a few times it’s cool. Texting is so bad now that ppl in high school and college don’t even talk on their phones anymore, which is why some can’t even have a full conversation and actually make eye contact.

    1. Texting is great as long as its not a substitution for verbal phone conversations. Example: texting during the day to stay in touch and then speaking on the phone in the evenings. I actually told a guy to call me instead of texting me once and I never heard from him again.

  2. Great post! I think that it is definitely a trend also, but I like how you pointed out that it’s a clear hint into ones intentions early on. Definitely not a first date suggestion, and if it is, then I think that predicts what the “relationship” will consist of. It could potentially grow to more than that but it has to be understood what their intentions and expectations are ahead of time, or going forward from there after that Netflix and Chill session. The dating game has changed, and due to technology, I don’t think it will be getting better. To follow up with the idea of it stunting a guys imagination, I also think that it could be more “comfortable” for the guy to just chill first, rather than being out in public because maybe he’s not ready for that. Or perhaps, not mature enough for it. Just some thoughts. Great read tho Khalil! Keep it up

    1. Black men as whole just do not know how to properly date. It all goes back to how they were raised. Look at white kids in high school. The white boys ask girls out on dates, properly ask them to go to proms and formals, bring them gifts, take them to breakfast, take them on family vacations, etc. You don’t see a lot of black high school boys asking girls out on proper dates and spending the proper time with them/money. Black parents need to show their children how to date properly. It starts at home.

      1. Irony huh? Most of these black men that you speak of are raised by single black women. This is not a trend in 2 parent households where the man-child sees how to treat a woman.

        1. Very true. I have dated black men from single parent homes and two parent homes. The ones from two parent homes were aggressive, decisive and always planned the dates/asked me out on regular dates (if they were truly interested in me).

        2. “if they were truly interested in me” are the operative words. Regardless of upbringing and race, if and when a man is truly interested, and if he’s a good, and decent man, he will show it. Simple as that.
          The only thing I can attribute to black men suggesting cheaper dates is having less expendable income than their white counterparts, and men of other nationalities. Making less money in the workplace, not getting raises, and promotions as quickly and easily.

      2. I disagree with lumping black men into this category of not knowing how to date. I’ve dated a variety of races of men. And at the end of the day, men are men. If a man namely wants some azz, and wants something casual, regardless of his race, or nationality, he’s going to give you the “why don’t u just come to my place and chill” okey doke. I’ve heard it from other races and nationalities besides black men. I also don’t think it necessarily has to do with men being raised in a 2 parent household or not. Let’s be mindful that typically, the woman sets the stage for how she will be treated by men. For the most part, I’ve been treated with the utmost respect by men I’ve seriously dated and been in relationships with. I believe that has more to do with me. How I carry myself, and what I will and will not tolerate.

        1. A man does not develop his dating style on his own, he learns it from the way he sees his father treat his mother. Same goes for young women. When I was growing up, my parents had date nights on a regular basis. I learned from a young age that men taken women they love out…. to dinner, the movies, a concert, etc. And then when I started dating, I expected that and demanded it. I even got that treatment from boys with single mothers but it was because I had to tell them exactly what to do…. take me out, pay for it, buy me a gift, come over to my house, call me, etc. And they followed suit. But overall, a lot of young black girls don’t demand that because they don’t see their fathers doing those things for their mothers. It all starts at home.

        2. Pretty South, I see your point. But every individual person is unique. We all learn from a variety of sources. Some men don’t have parents, they learn from grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers, sisters, or the street.
          I dated a drug dealer in hs who was a perfect gentleman. His mom was a single mom. He picked me up for all of our dates, he came to the door, he opened my doors, he was very chivalrous. Now I will say that age may play a part in how chivalrous a man may be. Older men in general do tend to be more mature, and know more in that respect. But there is much more that plays into how a man treats a woman besides how he was raised by his parents. If a man doesn’t respect the parents he was raised by, he may grow up to be an inconsiderate, selfish azzhole. My uncle was raised by a hardworking loving father, and a churchgoing mother, my grandparents. My uncle saw my grandfather spoil my grandmother with jewelry, clothes, and date nites. He took her on trips, cruises. And he was still a player and not chivalrous at all, and to this day he still isn’t the chivalrous type of man. As every child grows up we all have our own minds and make our own conscious decisions. Regardless of who raises us, who we become as adults depends on our level of respect for the people who raised us, and how we use our own judgment, and make decisions, and if we listen to and follow in the footsteps of whomever raised us. Not everyone does what their parents or grandparents taught them, and listens.

        3. Pretty South….if u talk to men of other races, you will see that it’s more a matter of maturity level in a man, not necessarily race. Trust me there are white, indian, latino, multiracial, African, Asian and a host of other nationalities of men who are lazy, and trifling. As I stated before, what category the man puts the woman in also plays a part. If a woman is naïve and allows a man to treat her any type of way, regardless of race or nationality, men will do just that. Women of other races and nationalities have the same issues with men that we do. But I guess u will say, if that’s the case, then those “other” men were raised around a lot of black people, probably have a lot of black male friends, and learned those bad dating habits from black men, right….lol.
          I bow out gracefully.

  3. Netflix and chill is to me only acceptable in the commitment stage. I’m not “dating” anyone who just wants to netflix and chill. Sounds like FWB.

  4. This is nothing new, back in the day for me I would sometimes get the come over and lets “watch movies” invite. I think that women and men have failed in the dating world, some men don’t put in any effort and some women expect too much on a date, especially the first one. How does netflix and chill even become a option, because men were doing it and women were accepting it.

    1. Black women and men fail in the dating world. The only people I see having problems dating properly are blacks. White boy start properly dating in high school and it continues on. It starts at home. Show your children how they should treat/be treated and to demand that.

      1. I can actually agree with you. I have dated outside my race and there is a big difference…lets just say I’ve gotten alot of “You ready, I’m outside text” vs my doorbell ringing

        1. LOL! I have never gotten that before. One thing about black men is that it’s to figure out if they want you or not. The ones that want you will ask you out on a proper date. The ones that want sex will suggest coming over. The best thing you can do for yourself as a woman is NEVER let the first time you spend time with a man be in your home or his. It must be a date. I have been following that rule since high school unless all I want from the guy is sex.

      2. Again, part of that has to do with how much money a man has to spend on “women” or a woman.
        if a white boys parents have money to give him to take little girls to the movies, proms, rent limo’s and whatever else then of course he can do that. Money is no object. In our community, many kids don’t even have the money to go to prom. They don’t have the money for tickets, and young ladies don’t have the money for dresses, shoes and accessories. In fact, I donated my bridesmaid dress I wore in my cousins wedding to a local program where they gave inner city public hs girls dresses, shoes and accessories to go to their prom.

        1. I grew up in a community with a healthy, black middle class. And those middle class black boys with cars of their own and money to spend STILL did not date properly.

    2. “because men were doing it and women were accepting it.” Exactly Hustlyn Diva…..this right here.
      So don’t complain now when it’s been the accepted “status quo” for so long.

  5. Wait A Minute! So if a guy says he wants me to set up a date and he’s waiting on me, does that mean he doesn’t really want me? Is this what you’re saying? BTW, I’ve done it a few times but I mostly refuse to be the one planning out the date when the guy expressed interest in me.

    1. It depends if you two been on a few dates its acceptable for you to set one up but if it’s the first date then that is just being lazy on his part. I’ve always had the mindset that if I ask you out then I’m planning the date and paying for it.

  6. A man that wants to date you and be in a relationship with you will set up a date. A man who wants sex will simply ask “to come over”. Netflix is the new “let’s watch a movie” which is keyword for sex.

  7. Ok, first off, why is chick watchin Netflix, and chilling in high heels dressed like she’s going to the club. That’s probably why she has a tude…lol. She expected dinner at Fago De Ciao or some posh DC spot and a nice posh lounge afterwards. ijs. Forreal tho, For a first date, definitely not. It’s not even about the fact that it’s Netflix and chillinin and of itself, it’s the fact that you really shouldn’t be going to anyone’s house on a first date.
    It’s in part a safety issue beings that you don’t know the person, unless you met through a mutual friend or a family member, or it’s someone you’ve known professionally, or just as friends. Once you’ve hung out and been on a few dates, nothing wrong Netflix and chilling at home. In fact, why not let your manfriend cook you a nice home cooked meal, dress comfortably, and watch Netflix.

    1. Probably this is a turn-off for many women because it makes them feel that the man is being cheap, and, they assume that it’s a means to an end to get some azz. Of course this is Not always the case with every man. I’ve hung out at guys houses, and had a great time. They kept their hands to themselves and were gentlemen the entire time. Even when I was in college and hung out with my guy friends or guys I was dating in their dorm rooms or apartments, they were perfect gentlemen.

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