Look, I love Robert Griffin III. I really hope he figures it out and becomes a productive quarterback once again.
So I’m not here to criticize his play (which has been bad since the end of his rookie season), or figure out what other teams should try to get him (been done to death). I’m here to coach RG3 up. Thankfully, all of his on-field problems can be solved off the field…which is where he’ll be for the foreseeable future.
Here are the ways RG3 can get back on the track to greatness:
Cut your hair, bruh.
Cornrows have been over with.
Dusty cornrows have never been at all.
Bragging about hangtime ended like 10 years ago.
WHAT IS HE DOOOOOOOING?!?
At this point, there are too many injuries, interceptions and other bad memories tied up in that hair. Time for Griffin to go Reverse Samson and cut that shit off to regain his power. Those dusty braids are an anchor.
Also, he should get rid of the durag that he wear with the flap out. I can’t prove that RG3 owns one, but he really seems like he does.
Have you tried being less Black?
Years of observational research have shown me that white quarterbacking is the way to go.
This is Dan Orlovsky:
Here he is running out of the back of the end zone unknowingly, while leading his team (sadly also MY team) to an 0-16 season.
Now, we all know if RG3 had done this, he’d have been cut at halftime and would be perfecting his Andre 3000 sidewalk act in Vegas.
He’s BACK ON THE DETROIT LIONS!! RIGHT NOW!! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK!!
So the moral of the story here is…if RG3 wants to continue quarterbacking, he should do so without being quite so Black.
Go the Tiger Woods route…double down on “meh”-looking white women.
RG3 recently welcomed a daughter (congrats, btw) with his wife Rebecca.
Let’s first chuckle under our breath that he actually married a Becky…
Now I am in no way trying to clown the looks of anybody’s wife. That’s his soulmate. Hope they stay married forever. But if we’re being real, we can agree that she’s regular, right?
Well this brings us to Tiger Woods.
Ole Tiger was famously busted by his wife for sleeping with a ho-hum white woman. After that revelation, a dozen more came out of the woodwork, and we realized Tiger (A) was a serial cheater, and (B) definitely had a type.
So what I’m suggesting is a roster of Denny’s waitresses, cocktail servers and generally unremarkable women in the rotation for Griffin. Not to break up his marriage, but to save his career.
As Tiger proved to us all, it could make you one of the greatest ever at your job.
Show no self confidence…ever.
One of the reasons I love RG3 is that he makes old white sports reporters upset. As (soon to be President-Elect) Kanye West once said, “They want to throw me under a white jail, cause I’m a Black man with confidence of a white male.”
So, for RG3, things like holding his head high, even insinuating that he think he’s the best quarterback in the league, or waking up with a smile on his face will all be (ironically) frowned upon for the next little while.
Next time he’s asked a question, Griffin should begin his answer with “Aw shucks, [insert name of reporter], I don’t know…”
This will ensure Griffin is relatable and otherwise not threatening to the media. They’ll start writing about why he deserves another shot, and how it actually made no sense that Kirk Cousins was drafted two rounds after Griffin was.
See? Four perfectly reasonable solutions that RG3 can implement right now to get back on track.
I should look into becoming a life coach.
What’s your take on the situation? Is RG3 done? Can he do these (or any other) things to get back to that 2012 feeling?
Hit the comments and let me know!
Lol this was silly. He’s probably done in Washington unless something happens and the redskins are forced to start him again. The only thing he needs to do is play his azz off (really well). His first season seems like it was 10yrs ago. He has to prove that he still has that type of impact in the Nfl. If not he’s a backup QB
1 of RG3’s problem seems to be (based on snippets from his teammates) is that he’s not very likable…a lot of underachievers in sports (not saying he is 1) get by and stay relevant to teams bc they’re liked by their co-workers…to see him get 0 protection from his Oline, then watch that same Oline protect Colt McCoy spoke volumes…he’s done in Washington, but maybe he’d fare well w/ the Texans, good young team that hasn’t had a real QB in like 3 yrs
First off, he has braids not cornrows. That said, he should cut it or dred it.
Here’s the thing, RGIII isn’t that bad at all. He has the worst O-Line in the NFL. He’s asked to be a mobile QB who stays in the pocket. The Skins need to own up to this pick. They wanted a mobile QB with a cannon. Now they want a pocket passer but they don’t want a pocket passer. You know why that’s confusing? Because the QB isn’t the problem, it’s the O-Line.
The Skins and their imbecile fans are going to rue the day they ever let RGIII walk out that door.
#3 should be amended to say, never let your vices go. All those ultra successful athletes have vices. Those vices drive excellence. Jordan (gambling), Tiger (periods), ARod (cheating), Drake (buying raps), I can keep going on but you get the point, let them have their vices. RGIII has his, it’s the Lord. He should really get back into that if that makes him happy.
He needs to stay healthy but most of all he needs to leave the Skins and start fresh somewhere else, he’s only what…24? 25? he’s still young enough to get it going again. Look at Kurt Warner came into the league at 29 had a successful career with the rams but floundered, went to the ginats floundered some more then finished up in Arizona where he went to the playoffs tice including a superbowl. Shaq needed a change of scenery, he went to Miami and won a ring 2 years later. There have been many athletes that needed a change and did it. There’s plenty of teams with bad QB’s right now. Why not go somewhere low key and start the resurrection from there.
The big issue for him was being hyped from day one. When that happens you have NO margin of error.