Home Advice Does A Man Have To Plan Everything While Dating?

Does A Man Have To Plan Everything While Dating?


Boy do I have a doozy for you all today! I trust everyone had a safe and turnt Labor Day weekend.

I personally took an extra day off. Upon waking up on Tuesday I did what any millennial does, I checked my twitter timeline. What I expected to see would have been videos of excessive celebration on Eastern Parkway from the prior day’s events. Although there was still a fair share of that, I came across some tweets. The tweets I will paraphrase. I wanted to preface this by saying that as a man, we want answers! So this one today is for the ladies. We need your input, because after reading this I was just thrown off.

A lady I follow on Twitter whose ideas I usually am in agreement with got me scratching my head. The basis of her series of tweets was that if a man approaches her then he should be prepared to be in the “driver’s seat” the WHOLE time. Following that tweet she mentioned different scenarios in which the man should expect to be in the driver’s seat. For instance, always calling the woman of interest, always planning the dates, and always paying for the dates.

As far as I can see, the context here is that if a man approaches this woman then he is signing up to do all of this until lord knows when. What I wanted to know through writing this was if you all agree with this. I feel a bit differently about it. As I expound on this I think many of you will agree with me as well.

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More times than not men approach the women they are interested in. In some cases a woman may approach a man.

Most women rather be traditional about this type of thing. I have no issue at all. After a man’s initial approach he either is approved or curved (denied). The result is contingent upon how a man approaches said woman and if she is at all intrigued by him. In the event that numbers are exchanged then obviously a first date should happen.

Without question the man should pay on a first date.

I’ll go as far as to say that even if he didn’t plan the first date it would be fine for a man to pay. But if you seek a woman out, that first date is on you to plan and pay for. It sends a variety of chivalrous messages when you do so without reluctance. So now let’s get down to the brass tacks. Let’s say you guys hit it off. Now there is mutual interest; you guys dig each other.

It goes without saying that more dates will now follow.

Given the young lady’s tweets that were aforementioned, it would mean the man would still be in the driver’s seat. So hypothetically speaking, let’s say you all are 12 dates in. At this point you’ve been doing the good morning text business. You’ve done the call me so that I know you’re in safe business. You’ve done the let’s take a quick ride business. You all are really kicking it. At this point is it still up to me to ALWAYS plan a date? Is it up to me to ALWAYS call or text you first just to check in?

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Where is the line drawn?

Once mutual interest is established why can’t everything else be mutual as well. Don’t get me wrong. As a man, be a man. Be assertive, plan things, show interest, make her feel good. But for that to seemingly be solely a one sided responsibility seems unfair. I’ll speak for all us men by saying that we’d like to be coveted too. Maybe there’s a morning where we forget to send that text, it’s okay for a woman to check in too. If a woman wants to see a certain exhibit that maybe the man doesn’t know about, it’s okay for her to suggest that they check it out.

When exactly do both parties share the responsibility of making sure they’re growing closer together? I say it starts at the point you all both agree that you’re into each other. If you feel differently please comment below. I need answers. Am I going bonkers? Let’s get into it!

DamnPops is a writer and podcaster on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS and @NegroPPodcast . Also, subscribe on iTunes to the Negro Please Podcast and visit our website here!


  1. Ok. I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve always been closer than the men in my family. I’ve always got along better with boys, than girls, and men than women. I almost always “root for the underdog” which is typically men.
    And once again, you have my support 100% on this one. I wholeheartedly agree that women can and should take the reigns sometimes, get in the drivers seat and drive. All things, (and people) created equal, it’s only fair.
    After the first, maybe even 2nd date, sure it’s impressive to said woman of interest if the man takes the lead. Yes we absolutely think that’s very sexy in a man. It shows, confidence self assuredness, and great leadership skills. All qualities we find very valuable in a man. Now after a few dates, several conversations, exchange of pictures, etc etc etc and we’ve gotten “comfortable” which usually doesn’t take very long, then the woman should by all means be more assertive and take the lead. She should take it upon herself to plan the date. At this point, she’s probably suggesting things to do and places to go anyway, so why not. She should also at the very least offer to go dutch. I totally understand how dating can get expensive for guys. Whether you have the money to spend or not is irrelevant imo. It’s the principle. It shows the guy that he’s not being used for his wallet. It shows him that the womans interest in him is Genuine. There is nothing wrong with this, imo.

  2. This woman is absurd.

    The general rule is understood to be “Whomever asks pays” when it comes to dating. The big problem here is that the majority of women either don’t ask guys out that they are clearly interested in or feel the guy is supposed to do all of this stuff, like the woman described in the post. So now you have a situation where men get defaulted to always because the system is rigged.

    If a woman is interested in a guy and doesn’t ask to see him or occasionally offer to “take him out” then she isn’t interested. One thing the anecdotal evidence of myself and the majority of my friends is that our women made us feel like we were desired and that there was mutual interest. If you don’t put forth the effort to do things with someone I don’t see how you can say that you are interested in them.

  3. I do hope that the same women that want a man to always take the driver seat have absolutely no problem with letting a man be head of their household

    I have no issue with a man taking the driver seat but not when it comes to texts, calls and planning dates. Its all about being mutual. I’ll give you the first 2 dates maybe 3 but after I know that we’re both feeling each other I can take the wheel every now and then even as you sit in the driver seat * don’t act like you’ve never asked anyone to grab the wheel while driving so you can grab something* I’ve learned over the years that everyone’s dating strategy is different, but relationships in general is very give and take. Its not all about you, and the deeper you get into a relationship you’ll learn that (hopefully) It just seems kind of selfish for a woman to have a man do everything I mean a man is only going to play that game for so long.

    1. Cosign on this Hustlyn Diva. And as you said, the women who want the man to always handle planning the dates, and paying the bills should have no problems allowing him to be the head of the household, especially if that man is your husband. But many times, that is not the case.

  4. Gender roles around dating have value. They’re a lingua franca…a way for people who don’t know each other to get on the same page. A man paying for/planning the first date sets the context. At the same time, they shouldn’t be substitutes for common sense. Even though men are expected to “perform” and “earn” women, it can get tiring to perform at or be performed at. Women need opportunities to impress us, too. Most relationships truly start when there’s reciprocity and mutuality. It sucks to play tennis when the other person isn’t hitting the ball back.

  5. Both parties share the responsibility of getting to know one another enough to determine if things should go farther, which should only continue once they are definitely into one another. I think many people say things solely for recognition. I don’t believe the individual truly believes 1/2 the BS they spew. The aspect of relationships are give and take not take and take. Her position as passenger will have her silliness in a battered or demeaning situation walking 10 steps behind her “man” with her head down….

  6. Great points, y’all. Ultimately, I think if people can get out of their way with “THE RULES” or whatever you want to call folks’ expectations, the more they may find themselves able to get to know and enjoy others…and possibly connect. But people love to build brick walls with their…stuff.

  7. Whoever asks should be the person to plan and pay. This thinking always begs the response “Women don’t offer/ask as often” This is probably true, but I would caution a man to be suspicious of a woman who freely and willingly goes on date after date on your dime without it once crossing her mind to take YOU out, or to even offer to pay on a date you’ve planned if you’ve been consecutively paying for all dates. Pay attention to the behavior, are you cultivating a partner, or a dependent?


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