Home Featured The Decision to Marry Is Not About You

The Decision to Marry Is Not About You

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Recently, I’ve been having a lot of conversations with women who are ready for marriage and family. As crazy as it is that people make the decision about marriage by themselves instead of as a couple is weird to me but I’ll set that aside for now. Later in the conversation I always ask these women one simple question, “Why should he marry you?”

Their answer will usually tell me everything I need to know about whether or not they’ll be successful in their goal to get and stay married. The most likely answer, “Because I’m [insert] and [insert]. Also, because I’m [insert] and [insert].” You can put any quality or characteristic that people think is important in those inserts; independent, educated, or pretty. Any of those will do.

As soon as they answer that way I know that almost always they’ll be unsuccessful.

Why? To me it’s very simple and it’s ironic that women haven’t realized this in the past years. As many of men have penned posts about their failed marriages due to the fact that they didn’t love their woman for who she was the same applies to women. Most men marry women for one of two reasons. Either you let him be him or you inspire him to be a better him. That’s the answer to the question.

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If when asked the question a woman said, “Because I love him for who he is.” I’m almost positive that a marriage is in her future. Of course, there are women who do not speak up and they let their man “be themselves” when it means they don’t have to get married or contribute. However, one could argue that isn’t letting him be himself but rather letting him be less than himself.

If when asked the question a woman said, “Because I want the best for him.” I’m sure she’d find luck too. I guess the whole point that we should take away from this post is that when thinking about marriage, think about the other person and not yourself. If you’re not a point in your life where you can do that, then you probably aren’t ready for serious commitment.

That’s the key to any friendship, relationship, bond or marriage. All your qualities may seem to make you an attractive partner but it’s really tangential to the larger point of the need to think about the other person more than yourself. And if you should notice that the other person doesn’t think about you as much as you think about them then maybe you’re not in a good relationship.

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I know both men and women are absolutely fatigued with watching our social media timelines filled with single people talking about how great they are but they can’t find a mate. Maybe it’s because if you were great you wouldn’t spend so much time talking about yourself. With that said, before we get too far ahead of ourselves, I wonder how many of you will answer the question, “Why should he marry you?” the next time you’re asked.

Dr. J

Comment(15)

  1. “Why should he marry you? – 1st thing that came to mind…I didn’t try to change him 2nd thing that came to mind…..I let him be a man 3rd…..I accepted his past, I accepted him for who he was

  2. Great post and it’s true I’ve talked to ppl who believe they are Gods gift to the world and they feel that they deserve to be married. They don’t understand it’s a two way street.

    1. Sometimes, I’ve found that many people are delusional. The more delusional, the more vocal they tend to be about how fantastic they are and why someone should be so fortunate to be with them. You’re correct, this thing is a 2-way street…most folks are just on the wrong street, in 2 different states, in 2 different countries and 2 different cities. LOL.
      Honestly, I’ve learned to just really tune out folks and their…stuff. LOL

        1. Necessarily is the key word. People will string you along for personal pleasure and fulfillment while coaxing the delusions.

  3. There’s nothing wrong with marriage nor feeling as if one is ready for marriage. A woman wanting or desiring marriage is no different than anyone aspiring to accomplish certain things in life. Afterall, marriage is a personal decision first, as we must individually asess a relationship for suitability.

    Getting married for wrong reasons is by far a troubling situation, but why are we listening, so much, to the people who got it wrong. They’re usually blaming the other party without any responsibility for their own actions. We allow one after the next individuals screw up to become the basis of justifying single life as opposed to honestly making a commitment. It seems the ability to opt out is more beneficial and women are complying with every desire a man may have. He’s on the winning end. Tell me, who is really being selfish in the scenario posed?

    Don’t mislead people by about them along. People need to learn to be honest with themselves about the individual they’re dating. I don’t care how “good” an individual is if he or she is not right for you, move on.

  4. Good post. I agree with your points Dr. J. But there are 2 sides to this. Many men choose women for very superficial reasons. They in turn, also contribute to their own unhappiness in their relationship/marriage, as well as the inevitable demise of their marriage/relationship. For every woman who desires to marry for wrong, and selfish reasons; there is a man who will marry her if she’s beautiful, successful, and he feels that they’re compatible. Trophy wives exist for a reason, as do older men who desire a young, sexy, fertile and beautiful wife, ie the Ron Isley’s and Hugh Hefner’s of the world. It won’t do much to resolve these relationship issues to address one side, and not the other. Men have to start requiring more of women than just being eye-candy a beast in the bedroom, well put together, successful, a “boss” chick, and maybe knowing how to cook. A lot of today’s hip hop encourages men to want and chase after too many superficial qualities in women. Meanwhile, they’re not looking out for the qualities that matter, like the ones Dr. J mentioned. So it should come as no surprise that women have this mentality.

    1. Bree this certainly isn’t my experience nor most people around me but this has been going on forever. Many people like the idea of a pretty or handsome mate above determining compatibility. Most men aren’t looking to be inspired more than they’re seeking personal pleasure… in my experience women need to set better standards and require more from men. We all claim to be able to handle all types of “nonsense” but then we whine about not attaining the mate who loves us as unconditionally as we love them. To be honest the whining gets on my nerves too, but I don’t see a link in whining validating lack of marriage. That’s nonsense to me.

      1. I agree Gray. Imo, Both men and women who are seriously quality and truly “good” men and women need to stick to their standards. I know most everyone has standards, however the root of the issue is we don’t always stick to them as we should. We let things slide when we’re “in love” and/or when we’re faced with the person we love, and are so “in love with” doling out excuse after excuse that sound good on the surface. Then, there are also some wonderful people out here who are dealing with self esteem issues, and simply don’t realize, and/or apply their worth. If your a 2015 Aston Martin Vanquish, but act like a 1998 Toyota Tercel, and accept being treated like Toyota Tercel, then regardless of what you truly are, you will be treated like a Toyota Tercel. However, you can be a 2012 Honda Accord, and have the mentality of, and carry yourself like a 2015 Alfa Romeo, then you will be treated as such. You have to set the tone for how your treated.

  5. Reality is if we’re asked a personal question, such as “why should he marry you?” We will all think of our personal attributes first. It doesn’t mean we are selfish or inconsiderate of our mate. I have a male friend whom at one time was frustrated with his relationship & felt him being a good man was enough to trump what he wasn’t doing; which included quality time spent together. This is a display of selfishness, IMO. The other is answering a personal question. I understand the final point being made but I got lost somewhere within the nexus.

    If one is in a job interview and asked why should said company hire you, one would answer from a personal perspective.

    In addition I’ve personally experienced the opposite of his suggestions: Loving, accepting, giving, inspirational, blah, blah, blah. It’s ALL irrelevant if he doesn’t want the same.

    1. Right, I know men who think women should want to marry them because they have an advanced degree, a good paying job, a nice car and money in the bank. It takes more than that…….I have to like you and we have to be compatible and want the same things etc.

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