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The House Party Commandments

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As we coast through our 30’s the weekends continue to become more of a weekly celebration of our emancipation from the work place. With this weekly celebration, there comes an important decision; we have to decide what else the weekend will ensue beyond Happy Hour. Unfortunately, at this age, the club isn’t the ideal choice due to the human aging process. 83% of us, who are over 30, can’t really kick it like we used to. We can’t wait up until 9pm to start getting ready, and nobody wants to stand in heels all night. It’s just not a good decision anymore. Just don’t do it, reconsider.

Always consider the greatest option ever created, that’s not new, but kinda new, but not for real, only because it somehow was lost in the “things to do on the weekend” list of options when people started buying nice furniture and painting accent walls. My friends, I bring to you: The House Party.

House parties are always a great option. They’re inexpensive, intimate, the perfect setting for a serious spades game, and an overall good time to drink cheap and chill with your crew. With something so easy to throw together, how do people still manage to mess it up? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s so easy for a house party to go south, and to avoid being a part of the problem, let me provide you with these tips on securing your invite to all house parties to come:

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1. When you’re told to bring a bottle, bring something that you actually drink. This is not your opportunity to explore new liquor options. This is also not your moment to be cheap. At this age, taking Popov or Barefoot wine to a house party is just lame. I guarantee that you go straight for the top shelf options, and leave your lonely bottle in the bag and in the corner. I also guarantee that you’re the first one to be pissed, when the only bottles left mid way through the party are the thotty bottles that you brought.

2. Don’t stop up someone’s toilet. I don’t know what it is, but somebody always manages to clog up someone’s toilet, and for what?! What is it that you can’t do in 60 seconds or less, that will allow you to flush, wash those hands, and leave the bathroom in the manner in which you found it? I don’t know why people go to someone else’s house and don’t know how to act.

3. This is for the host. Don’t have a house party, with bad music and bad speaker options. There’s nothing worse then everyone trying to huddle around a Beats Pill to hear your Pandora station + ads. If you are going to have people over, have a respectable speaker, and either make a legit play list, or pay to have Pandora without the ads. Nobody wants to hear about Taco Cabana’s new shrimp quesadillas in the middle of a kick back.

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4. Do not bring your whole goon squad to someone’s house party. It’s socially acceptable to bring a friend or two, but there is no need to have your whole set represented. Nobody has space or food for you +12. Also, be sure that whoever does come with you adheres to #1.

5. If you host, have food. Period. There is nothing worse than having a house full of people that are hot and hungry. Nobody said having people over was free. It takes nothing to order some pizzas, or put in an order at wingstop. Besides, you likely aren’t buying liquor anyway. You should provide more than a friendly meeting space.

6. Make sure you have a well functioning cooling system. If you know your thermostat starts to act funny if you put it anything lower than 75 degrees, consider a different kick it option. Everyone knows people of color create heat in large quantities.

7. Watch your liquor. There is no need to be ‘white girl wasted’ by 11pm off some house made drinks. The purpose of the house party is to chill with good people, not worry about taking care of Drunky in the other room.

8. Manage your guy to girl ratio at the door. Do not have 33 Men and 13 Women at your house party. It may come across as something else, and that’s just not cute at all. House parties are the perfect opportunity to meet dateable people, so provide adequate selections.

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9. Don’t invite more people then your place can hold. You know how establishments post those maximum capacity signs near the front door? Those are there for a reason. You should really consider that if you live in a studio apartment, you can’t invite all your people from around the way. Yes, you may have to deal with some backlash if someone who wasn’t there hears you had a set, but it’s better than having hot, hungry and irritated guests because nobody can move.

These are just some of my thoughts on how house parties go south. I’ve experienced each of these ate east once in my day. I don’t want you to be the one to hear about the house party of the year. I want you to make it there.

 

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