Home Advice Why People Can’t Stand Relationship “Experts”

Why People Can’t Stand Relationship “Experts”

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The man above is the well known Tony Gaskins.

He recently sat down with Madame Noire for an interview. Madame Noire is a site that I frequent because of all the thought provoking content. This time around was no different as the subject matter got  the people buzzing. Feel free to watch the full interview here to formulate your own opinions as well. You can also watch the video below.

Gaskins made a number of points during his interview.

One of which was that he would not marry a woman with more than 5 sexual partners. He also mentioned that he had a checkered past which included dealing drugs, womanizing, and being verbally abusive towards women. With all those powers combined the comments section went on tilt! You could imagine if a woman wasn’t a feminist before, she might have become one after watching that interview. People went on to make a variety of great points. Some were in favor of the speaker’s views but most of them were against.

In all of this there was one glaring thing that stood out.

At the most fundamental level, we are all imperfect. This isn’t late breaking news. Hell, right now I’m preaching to the choir and I HATE being Captain Obvious. No one wants to be that. Allow me to go into some detail here. I write. More times than not I share my thoughts on dating and relationships. You all have certainly seen this over the years. When you all read my material, I really hope you see it as just my thoughts. Sometimes I give advice. The last thing I would like to be thought of would be an expert. I’d like to be thought of as intelligent, or well read, or articulate. But as the Philosopher Hall of Famer Charles Barkley would say, “Only God is an expert Ernie.” So with that I bow out gracefully to the expert title. I write about my highs while dating and my lows and the lessons I gain from all of it. I’m still practicing like many of you all out there. I just want to continue to say what I’m inspired to say.

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Mr. Gaskins however, at least according to his website would be considered a relationship expert. He may modestly deny it, but his website pretty much spells that out. If he considers himself an expert I think that’s fine. If other people consider him an expert then they are free to do so as well. The problem in this is that many women could see this interview as Tony Gaskins throwing stones whilst living in a glass house.

Again, the common theme here is imperfection.

Mr. Gaskins was forgiven by his now wife for the transgressions he made early on in their relationship. His wife also forgave an ugly past of which he is very transparent about. I applaud that transparency. With that transparency it allows intelligent people to make a choice. They have a choice to take this advice to heart or to ignore it. As I see it, Gaskins had the opportunity to be forgiven . He essentially was allowed to make those mistakes, grow and enjoy a fulfilling and successful marriage. According to Gaskins’ experience, most men won’t marry a woman who has been with 10 or more people. He includes himself in that bunch. I actually think that is subject for debate, more on this later.

Numbers seem to mean a whole lot in this discussion. He went as far as to say it was because his wife’s “number” was 1 , he made her his wife. He makes no note of any other attributes that would deem a woman as eligible. I guess that’s what annoys me the most. We are all more than who we sleep with. Furthermore I always believe you cannot find out how many people everyone has been with. People can tell you anything. So without those Gameshark codes, what do you rely on? You rely on yourself and your own morals and beliefs. But to shame women who may have already been past the number of eligibility that you have set is wrong.  So from the outside looking in, unfortunately, it looks like you’re preying on a certain group of women.

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I don’t think there  is an official number of people a woman has to be with for a man to not be interested. I actually think men are more worried about who knows the number. If no one knew a woman’s number guy’s would probably be dating all kinds of women. We’re too caught up with public perception. And thoughts like this doesn’t necessarily push us forward as a people. I actually think this divides more women than anything else.

This interview could easily rub women the wrong way.

It still speaks to the phallic mentality that runs rampant in our culture. It strips women of their sexuality. And it continues to perpetuate this idea that men can fuck up but women can’t. It’s not right and it’s also not popular opinion. Going forward, to anyone reading this, think for yourself. Do what you want. Someone will come along and appreciate that. But do not think your value as a woman is less as a result of watching this. And fellas feel free to chime in too. I’m honestly tired of this archaic way of thinking. If you don’t want your woman to be with a certain amount of men I get it. But putting all women under an umbrella, and all men for that matter is just wrong. Like a friend of mine once told me, every bread has its cheese. Damn, I’m hungry. Leave your thoughts below.

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These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer and podcaster on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS and @NegroPPodcast . Also, subscribe on iTunes to the Negro Please Podcast and visit our website here!

Comment(7)

  1. It is not fair. It is horribly unfair (all women think so), but it is true. Just like men don’t have to be that attractive and women don’t need as much money. Men historically have been allowed a higher “number”. You find exceptions who don’t care, but they are snatched up quickly.
    Just don’t be that girl men run through. Have a number of partners and types of relationships that you are proud of. don’t be the person having sex with 2-3 different people a year. In 10 years, that’s 20-30 people! If your end goal is to get married, keep this in mind. If you think it is untrue, ask 10 more guys and see what they think. Also, you don’t have to TELL someone your number. Guys guess by what you wear, how you act, what you say, and who you hang out with.

  2. It doesn’t strip women OF their sexuality. It strips us of all other attributes TO our sexuality.

    Thankfully, I never took any of his “expert advice” too seriously. How can you be an expert at a race you haven’t finished yet?

  3. I find it incredibly sexist and speaks to the same old tired narrative which says a woman’s worth is in her sexuality, the purer she is the more worthy she is of being made a wife. When its framed in that context its really about ownership not partnership. My number of sexual partners has no merit on my character or morals. Tony Gaskins or anyone else doesn’t have the right to determine my value based on how many men I’ve slept with. Honestly, if my “number” is more important than who I am as a person than that man isn’t worth being with. I refuse to entertain a man that subscribes to such atrocious double standards and thinks he’s upright in doing so. When you know better, do better. I refuse to chalk that ignorant, sexist mindset up to being “just the way it is.”

  4. Can I rant? Thanks!
    First, people make me sick because they are so quick to call someone a relationship expert just because they always have some philosophy about something. Relationships is one idea that I don’t believe a person can be an expert in. The complexities of emotions and human interactions does not allow for that. Even those who have successful marriages may give you some words of wisdom but never claim to be experts.
    Second, this ties into my comment on your post about Safe Sex Buzz Feed. The double standards of casual sex leave women with the short end of the stick. So a woman who has a checkered past can’t be forgiven and seen in the light of her present self, but is expected to overlook the ugly truths of a mans? That actually shows the weakness and insecurities of some men. They can’t handle the weight of a women’s world/past but expect her to be strong enough to handle his.
    Third, that is Gaskin’s wife’s business if she loves him despite his past life and accepts that he chose her for her 1 partner past. Those were his standards, she met them, they got married. But please take note Gaskins: how do you know she’s telling the truth?

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