12 Surprising Facts About Unfaithful Men

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Keeping with today’s theme, I came across an article on WomansDay.com (don’t ask) explaining what they claim are 12 “surprising facts” about cheaters. They primarily focus on unfaithful husbands. I’ve highlighted the list of these 12 facts below, with a few of the more interesting paragraphs as well. You can read the full article and a more detailed explanation of each fact by clicking here.

Fact #1: Most men are still in love with their wives when they cheat.

Fact #2: Men usually cheat with women they know.

Fact #3: Men cheat to save their marriages. “Men love their spouses, but they don’t know how to fix their relationship problems, so they go outside their marriages to fill any holes,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Susan Mandel, PhD. Men want it all and have the skewed notion that another woman will make the longing for something more disappear. Then, they can live happily ever after with their wife—and their mistress—without confronting the real issues.

Fact #4: Men hate themselves after affairs.

Fact #5: Cheaters often get friskier with their wives when affairs begin.

Fact #6: Women cheat just as much as men, and their affairs are more dangerous. An Indiana University study shows that men and women cheat at the same rate. But “the reasons the sexes cheat are different,” says Orlando. He explains women are more likely to cheat for emotional satisfaction. “Online cheating—without any physical contact—is the most damaging type of infidelity,” says Orlando. Becoming emotionally invested in another person means you’ve likely checked out of your marriage. But if it’s just sex, it’s less about attachment and more about a hurtful mistake.

Fact #7: A wife often knows her husband’s cheating.

Fact #8: A couple will never work it out when the husband is in the midst of an affair.

Fact #9: Affairs can often fix a marriage. Is infidelity the kiss of death for a couple? Not always. Although a new relationship is exciting, “an affair can rekindle the marriage,” says Orlando. “Men realize who they want for the rest of their lives and that the new relationship isn’t as perfect as they thought.” But think hard before returning to a cheater. “Flings can highlight how little self-control someone has,” explains Orlando. Still, if it was truly a one-time slip, it’s possible to get back on track.

Fact #10: Even after rebuilding the marriage, a husband may still miss the affair.

Fact #11: A cheater knows he’s hurting the woman he loves, tearing his family apart and sacrificing his honor.

Fact #12: The wife’s not to blame if her husband cheats on her. Realize this: If your husband is unfaithful, it’s not your fault, no matter what people say. “When a man cheats, he’s making a conscious choice to do it,” says Dr. Brosh. “The idea of being pushed into the arms of another woman is an expression, not a reality.” Orlando echoes this sentiment: “Men don’t cheat because of who she is; they cheat because of who they’re not,” he says. “The ‘fault’ is that the signs of disconnection have been ignored by both parties.”

I disagree with “facts” #3 and #4. I definitely don’t think men cheat to save their relationship. A man, however, might justify cheating if he wants to stay in the relationship, but this still seems like a selfish pursuit seeing as he is the only one that gets to fully satisfy his desires. It also assumes the woman is happy simply because she is faithful. As the full article notes, this allows a man to step out of the relationship without ever addressing the true issues; issues which might also contribute to his wife’s unhappiness and the demise of the relationship as a whole. Once discussed, it’s possible these issues could be resolved without justifying cheating as a means to that resolution. Lastly, as I explained here, I strongly agree with fact #12.

Which facts listed above do you agree with the most? Which facts do you disagree with? Are there any “facts” you think are missing?

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  • cynicaloptmst81

    “Men don’t cheat because of who she is; they cheat because of who they’re not,”

    The sad part is that these men…and some ladies…are cool with who they aren't.

    Character?! Who cares about that?!

    *shrugs*

    • ava

      I think men cheat because they are looking for validation from external sources. A lot of these men are psychologically damaged, either from prior sexual or physical abuse in their past.
      Many black men will not talk about about their self esteem or their lack thereof. It is a conversation that needs to occur in order for many of these relationships to grow and be repaired.
      When men don't feel good about themselves they make bad decisions, and in turn when they make these bad decisions, we as women internalize it and say, what did I do wrong?
      Nothing, you just have to know when you are dealing with a man whose issues are much deeper than cheating. The cheating is just a symptom a larger overall problem.
      Just my opinion. I could be totally wrong though.

  • BlueSteele

    "Fact #10: Even after rebuilding the marriage, a husband may still miss the affair."

    Begs the question: Is the marriage truly rebuilt?

  • The Suburban Thug

    3 & 4 sound like some bull men will tell themselves to make themselves feel better. It's akin to dudes who want to confess. It's not about the need to tell the truth to their S/O; it's about needing to clear one's own conscious. The root of it is pride and selfishness.

  • Keisha brown

    I don’t agree that the rates are the same. But will admit one can find stats to back up an argument.

    • Larry

      Uh oh…lmaooo.

  • Bree

    I think all these apply to some people at some point in time. We may not personally know anyone who all of these apply to, but they do apply to some. I think men cheat simply because they want to and because most times they can and they can get away with it.
    Two facts that are missing:
    Not every man that cheats is sorry for it.
    Some men were liars and cheaters before they got married and the women deep down in their heart of hearts knew this and many times they were warned about it by family and friends. Some women believe marriage will make a man be faithful, it doesn't. So some men continue to cheat after marriage because thats who they are.
    Some men do indeed have an addiction to sex.

  • Merica

    aww *sigh these are so true but I dont agree with #3 or #4 either!

  • monique

    I can actually agree with number 3. Some wives may see it as one less thing she has to do, i.e. sex. With kids, careers and the mundane, plenty of wives just want to make it to the next day without being hassled for sex. If there is another woman out there who is willing to be the designated lotus flower bomb sans commitment and emotional investment, what’s the issue? I am not in agreement with this logic, but some of my married friends have made a strong distinction between sex and love. Fidelity being compromised is not the be-all-end-all for them so to speak when you have so many other facets to concentrate on in a relationship.

    • SimplyBeingMe

      Interesting. I think the issue arises when one person believes he/she is in a monogamous relationship but later on it is found out not so much. Although with the percentage of cheating being so high it leaves me wondering are we as humans meant to dedicate our lives to one person and only one person for the rest of our lives? And if so how is it possible for someone to enter into another relationship with claims of this person being their "soul mate" when they had already made that claim with the previous person they were with. It's all very interesting to me.

  • Liz

    Fact #7….i would not say that most women know their man is cheating. Sometimes it really is a surprise.

    I am happy to hear that a man agress with # 12. Many men still blame women for their cheating. My wife didnt do ______ thats why I cheated. Its just a way of making the cheater feel as though they were right to do what they did.

  • greg

    Ok. i am a husband that has wrong my marriage terribly and even before we got married. things that i know my wife should have left me for but found another guy instead. i understand this is life and karma sucks so bad i dont know how what to do. we even have a daughter. i dont know if i have a right to say anything at all but the emotional and physical affair hurts more then just an emotional one. ive done wrong and i new it would catch up to me. i just didnt know how to say what i felt cause im so closed in but i got what was coming to me. im a liar, im closed in, and we are tryin to work on our marriage now. but to me, people who cheat in a marriage need to be honest no matter what. i was a coward and that led my wife to fall in love with another man WITH MONEY. Honesty is the key no matter what. thats all i wanted to say. thank you

  • True

    I agree 100% with #12. I have been cheated on and my husband told me that it was because of me. That hurt a lot but I knew it really wasn't me it just hurt that he didn't show remorse and instead put chose to put it on me. I felt my husband was cheating for a while. I just wanted the proof of it before I left.

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  • http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/10/22/12-surprising-facts-about-unfaithful-men/ Amy

    All this is very confusing. i am dealing with a habitual cheater as we speak. I feel trapped in my marriage which makes this whole situation allot harder since I am a very outspoken and honest person. I am not really sure about any of these facts, they may apply to some but not all.
    this is my second marriage. My first marriage I completely trusted and was very happy until his co-workers decided the right thing to do was to inform me of his double life. This angered him and he became abusive. My current husband has been caught several times and I would like to leave but I am losing hope of finding someone who is faithful. Not saying that they are not out there, just saying that they are hard to find and that I simply do not have the courage to try again.
    My recent post Five Things You Need to Know (4/16/2013)

    • mrsj

      My husband is an habitual cheater with the same woman. I’ve been .going through this since 2010. I’m ready to just leave him a your marriage. He works with this woman. I’ve had several covetsations with her about my husband and their relationship. I’ve even had a physical altercation when I initially caught them together. I’m humiliated, angry, fed up!

      • SimplyBeingMe

        Sorry for what you have been going through but I'm curious to know if he's been cheating on you since 2010 which is quite a bit of time what is keeping you with this man? Am I understanding correct when you say he has been cheating with the SAME woman since 2010 or cheating repeatedly with multiple woman? You also said you have spoken with the woman who he has been cheating with but have you actually spoken with your husband? A man who is in a relationship knows he's in a relationship when he steps foot out the house so it's his responsibility to honor his vows and if he's unable to do that then there's no telling how much longer he'll continue to cheat. If he's gotten to the point of being comfortable with cheating at this point after all this time then it's no longer of IF he'll cheat again but WHEN he'll cheat again in my opinion. Good luck to you though in what your future may hold for the relationship.

  • mrsj

    Please excuse the spelling errors.

  • samantha

    I was heartbroken that my boyfriend decided to leave the relationship, so I had the Retrieve A Lover spell cast. Within three days of the spell casting, my boyfriend called "just to talk." After some pleasant talks and catching up, he asked to see me again.I felt he had started to turn around. I decided to date someone else just to see. He is absolutely crazy about me now and does see the good in me that I had hoped he would, all thanks to [email protected]………Samantha